Losing my mind. I have had a poor 2 hours of sleep in the last 2 days and I have spent since about 1am yesterday in a high alert of worry and waiting. Just sitting here..waiting, reading, waiting. My Guy went into surgery at 3:30 pm after arriving at the ER at 1:00am. He is fine but the emotion, the exhaustion, the frustration is really getting to me and I feel myself becoming unwound, emotional, and anxious. I tried to eat but the food was awful and took a few bites and threw it away. My mind is ready to explode and implode at the same time to lay down and pass out versus standing up and screaming and demanding this to be over. I am so very thankful that we have available health care, that the doctor he saw was very good and that he was able to get immediate help, and that I was able to be here for him. Although honestly I am not sure how much I did given that we both just waited together but at least he was not alone - I guess.
I look around the room and exhaustion is the prevalent visible emotion. A few are pacing back and forth with fear all over their face. We all stare at the update board as if it is changing more than once every hour. We are bonded together and yet no one says a word to each other. We guide the newbies through the process and then resume our silent vigils. Those with friends are chatting, those alone trying to figure out some way to fill the time. The doctor finally comes and tells you about the surgery. I haven't seen anyone appear to have bad news. You think that means your waiting is done, but it is not. You sit there waiting for them to decide he has recovered enough for visitors. You cannot tell if they actively care or just absently remember and update you and there is only so many times you can ask before you just feel like a total nuisance. It feels like the pushy ones get in first but then thinking back they have been waiting as long...if not longer...than me.
The nurse just told me that they are ready for me to come back to see My Guy. I look around and the woman next to me - her mom is too nauseous from surgery for her to go back. The other two women across from me - their family member is still in surgery. The older woman who has been waiting for her husband - you could see the relief when the doctor gave her the update on the surgery but disappointment at having to wait again. Her family tries to explain in Italian the recovery room concept -again. The nurse that manages the updates leaves in 20 minute and there are quite a few families still anxiously waiting for news and to see their loved ones. Tough room. Tough day. I want to go home with my guy, see my dog, pour a big glass of wine and breath for the first time in a day.
I look around the room and exhaustion is the prevalent visible emotion. A few are pacing back and forth with fear all over their face. We all stare at the update board as if it is changing more than once every hour. We are bonded together and yet no one says a word to each other. We guide the newbies through the process and then resume our silent vigils. Those with friends are chatting, those alone trying to figure out some way to fill the time. The doctor finally comes and tells you about the surgery. I haven't seen anyone appear to have bad news. You think that means your waiting is done, but it is not. You sit there waiting for them to decide he has recovered enough for visitors. You cannot tell if they actively care or just absently remember and update you and there is only so many times you can ask before you just feel like a total nuisance. It feels like the pushy ones get in first but then thinking back they have been waiting as long...if not longer...than me.
The nurse just told me that they are ready for me to come back to see My Guy. I look around and the woman next to me - her mom is too nauseous from surgery for her to go back. The other two women across from me - their family member is still in surgery. The older woman who has been waiting for her husband - you could see the relief when the doctor gave her the update on the surgery but disappointment at having to wait again. Her family tries to explain in Italian the recovery room concept -again. The nurse that manages the updates leaves in 20 minute and there are quite a few families still anxiously waiting for news and to see their loved ones. Tough room. Tough day. I want to go home with my guy, see my dog, pour a big glass of wine and breath for the first time in a day.
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