some success

The power bar made a difference not on the run as much performance wise but the ability to get up and out and even thinking of going on a run.  I almost got sucked into the couch and my computer but at the last minute managed to save myself and get moving.  The computer is my most dangerous distraction and I realized tonight that it seems like my energy runs out of my fingers with every keystroke.  I did manage to go and run but the run itself still sucked.  I ran too fast at first and then I just couldn't sustain it and the miles felt like a marathon.

I wish I could explain the intense mental warfare that goes on when I am outside pushing my body in directions that do not feel natural.  I have this extreme schism of self between the one that wants to be out there and the other one that has no desire.  I think about my friends that run triathlons, and eat clean food, and finish p90x and I really want to be like them.  I am ok to be in some pain but I just do not believe I have what it takes to be a real athlete or even a half-assed athlete.  

I remembered a time years ago when I had this therapist that tried to get me out of my head and into my whole being.  There was this exercise where I had to put my feet flat on the floor and try to feel my connectedness to the world and imagine roots coming from my feet.  It was really hard for me to do and I never really felt connected to the earth.  I never played sports of any kind when I was a kid and spent most of my childhood alone - in my head or in a book.  I bet I have said more words to myself silently than I have to all the other people in my life.   It is a safe comfortable place for me to be - although honestly I am not really that nice to myself either way.

Sometimes I really forget that I have a body and am always running into things and can be completely unaware of the physical world.  Trying to make myself be active and physical in some ways feels completely unnatural and counter to my whole being.  Both sides are unrelenting in their disappointment and frustration of my inability to let the other side win.  My Guy says I use these stressful events to make changes and that I will use this current hell period as a way to make my life better.  I am not so sure that is true anymore.  He is right I have spent my whole life doing that but I am losing the ability to force myself into the extreme change situations.  I have spent the last year trying to get myself on to this life change and I keep getting sucked back.  Although to be fair to myself, this one is a hard one.  

Maybe this all sounds like complaining and whining butI do not really feel like that at all.  This is an analysis of the struggle I am having while I am redefining myself and moving out of the world that has been constructed for me and trying to build my own version of me.  Or at least that is how I see it.   Ironically I am all in my head trying to figure out how I get out of my head.