Sunday restart

OK.  It is time to go radical and try something completely different.  The good thing about a new day is you get to start anew and let the week and previous failures go by the wayside.  I  joined this Inner Mean Girl Cleanse and at first I just dismissed it as something silly I would try because it sounded interesting and it is free.   The invite and the web pages are loud colors and noisy and I struggled to see how and what this could do for me but I thought what the hell.  Sitting here listening to the first week call, I realized that they may have something here.  Trying to turn these negative voices to a positive energy is much more awkward for me than trying to abate the negativity.  Listening to it makes me squirm a little, self-love seems so ...gay...and new age silly.  However when they talk about the different critics and the energy they steal from your life...it feels like they may have something.   According to the call, I am supposed to do some awesome act of self-love.  God help me just writing that is difficult.

I like having goals, but I use the goals (well when I do not do them) as a way to beat myself up for being a complete loser.   I am not sure how to have a plan without using it against myself but winging it definitely does not work either.  So right now I am going to try to do something different.  If I do not accomplish my goals this week, it will be ok.  Any small step will be a victory and there is nothing that I will be doing "wrong" if I do not accomplish my goals.  The immediate reaction in my head is that is ridiculous.  Why would you have a goal and not consider it a failure if you do not accomplish it?  How can you not hold yourself accountable?  What is the point of it all if it doesn't really matter?  I am paralyzed by the fear of failure and the intense brutality of the voices in my head.

I really want to drive this massive change in my life.  I want to eat better, stop drinking for awhile, exercise more...the same massive changes I have wanted for probably the last 10 years.  I want to commit to these extremes to drive the changes to some how chain myself to something that will force me to finally do what I want myself to do.   I can only do these extreme changes when my life is under distress and I feel it is some sort of survival mode.  Being safe and happy has turned into the hardest place to be because I do not know where to drive the motivation from as I have never really made changes for me.  Honestly I am not that big of fan of myself and I am the last reason I would ever do anything.

I keep getting back to the motivation of why and what I am trying to do.  I keep getting back to who am I?  I read this book this week that talked all about following your passion as your job and your life.  I am at a loss to my passion, my self, my identity.  I am not sure what I see in the mirror and how I would define myself which makes it so difficult to compel myself to do anything.  What do I need?  What do I want?  I know that you should just live for the right now and this exact moment is the only moment that really matters.  I think you have to want for yourself to treat those moments with the right level of regard and that is where I am lost.

So I am going to have goals this week.  One is to get up early enough to write every morning.  I want to try to make more space for my brain to sort through all this nonsense.  That is going to my only actual goal for the week.  The other things I want to do I am going to not classify them as goals but choices I would like to make for myself.  I would like to make some good choices on diet, exercise and alcohol, but they are not goals just choices that I need to make during each moment of every day.