It was hard to come back and write. I do not really know why I just had a frozen feeling in my brain of what to write. I have spent so much time droning on that I felt like I should have my act together for my next post, forgetting that the writing is supposed to help me get my act together. This morning after about 3 hours of anxiety filled dreams/thoughts about work, the dog, the boys...I realized I had to get up and get some of this crap out of my head.
I have struggled over the last 4-6 weeks or so (maybe longer according to my guy) because I have just had a terrible time at work. I unfortunately define myself a great deal by my success and failures at work and this has created a significant impact on my psyche. I am actually generally pretty good at handling that part of it, the worst part has just been the non-stop constant sense of failure and berating. I have felt no hope and a sense of disappointing anyone of anything they asked of me. For the first time in my life I think I know what it feels like to get bullied. It is debilitating. This week, Monday was so horrible that I said almost no words Monday night and Tuesday morning sat in my car trying to build my courage to face another day - tears streaming down my face (I am not a crier) dreading going to work. By Wednesday night I had decided I would take a job anywhere leaving my home my family...anything to just get free. I even made a deal with myself that I would last until end of January and then I could just walk away from everything ...get a job at a bookstore or something and just call it quits. These thoughts allowed my mind a sense of hope of something and allowed me just enough space to recover.
I decided Wednesday to take Friday, Monday and Tuesday off. I did not manage to get Friday off, too many crisis, too many from my team were out. Now it is Sunday morning and I still have Monday and Tuesday off and I want to make sure I do something to actually have some sort of vacation. What are my goals for these two days? What do I want from these mere 48 hours? It is only important that I figure that out so I do not end up like yesterday and today, picking up the computer and doing some work when I have idle time. (Really funny I just left this blog to check on a few things that I had forgotten to do and now I am back) So idle time makes me default back to just the random behavior of working....so what do I want to do for these two days?
I have had a great weekend of gluttony and fun so I do not really feel the need to reinvigorate myself that way. I have some errands to run but really not enough to hardly even matter so i will end up not doing them if that is all that is on my plate. I hate spending money on just me so I want it to be relatively cheap. My Guy cannot take off so it is kind of days just for me. Sometimes I come up with all these plans and never do any of them and just stay on the couch with my computer. I want these days to be different. I think the root of some of my problems is that I do not know what to do when I am not just working. I do not really have hobbies or things I want to accomplish...I rarely want to "treat" myself and I am always so critical of things that are just superfluous.
So if I think of it from a totally different view, what do I want? I want to reconnect with the world outside of my computer. I would like to feel - spark - some sort of passion. I would like to let go of the critical voice and just try to enjoy and explore. Things that come to mind...yoga, art, poetry, reading, music, swimming, running/exercising... My inner voice starts with blah blah blah blah after thinking and hearing that list. I guess the biggest challenge is to not be miss negative and pshaw all ideas and choose to just explore a little and let it go.
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