Cowabunga baby

I should have gotten up this morning and written but after my run last night I slept like the dead and did not want to get up AT ALL this morning.  Work was too interrupt driven to really get my thoughts down so here I am, waiting for the heat to abide so i can pretend I want to go running again tonight.  The craziest thing I have ever done is give myself this dumb exercise to think of things I am grateful for and good at and then talk about my inner critic.  I spend my empty space trying to think of things that I am good at or thankful for so I am ready to write it down.  I am pretty sure I will not be able to do this longer than a week just because I will run out of ideas of things to report on.  Focusing on the good and putting the critic in its place yesterday gave me hope and raised my spirits and loosened the chains that were keeping me tied to despair.  That sounds sooo melodramatic, but this weekend I was a shell of myself and having a hard time so regaining my composure was very needed!

Ugh writing with goals is so contrived but here I go.  I am very thankful (grateful) - wait what is the difference between those two? I found this thankful-vs-grateful article and I realized there is at least a perceived difference.  However I found this forum where Aupick defines the two probably the closest to my understanding.  Grateful is something you attribute to someone (or thing fate/god) rather than just pleased or relieved.  I do believe in Karma/Universe giving back type thing so I think I am trying to focus on the bigger more difficult to explain grateful.  I digress.  

I am grateful that I have the capability to find myself again.  I have been through many dark times, sometimes self-inflicted sometimes not, but I do better than just survive it.  I am grateful that I am good at (see how I did that) being able to see beyond the immediate trauma drama and find myself a way to the other side.  I think that is pretty impressive actually that I am in the midst of despair able to become aware enough to drive myself to a better conclusion.

My critic comes at me with two points of contention.  1) I end up in the same place over and over again so I do not really do it all that well.  2) I often get myself into bad situations so it is my own fault that I suffer.  Funny thing about that criticism is that while I really believe those points they do not really sting like the good/bad fail/success inner critic.  There is a stronger side of me that I think knows that 1) I am doing better and life is NOTHING if not a series of lessons to learn from 2) I have always made the best decisions I could at the time.  They may not have been good decisions but given where I was, what was happening I really tried to always do the things I would not regret.

A few years ago when shit really fell apart again I was so surprised to be hit again with the same old tidal wave but I needed that to really look at what I was doing and why.  It helped me break the patterns I had developed as a result of other things and re-factor myself again.  Yeah I would probably could learn in a much less destructive way but I do learn and I make progress.   I think the things that I am suffering from now are so less emotional and dire that it almost makes it harder, but that is for another day.
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this took all day...

Awake at 4 am.  I get up and get a glass of water, go the bathroom, have another glass of water.  I clean fish food off the kitchen counter and I am  contemplating staying up as I am wide awake. It is only 4 am in the morning so I decide to go back to bed.  I lay there and finally around 5:30 start to fall back asleep.  In those moments before I fall asleep and the house is quiet, I often feel the most motivated and the most clear and start working on solving problems.  As dawn encroaches my anxiety starts to take over my confidence and I go from feeling clear and driven to drowning in fear.  This morning I decided that I would start with my daily writing do two things:  first I would say everything I am grateful and something that I am good and second, I would address one of my critical voices rants.  I would not go into exhaustive whine but enough to turn, face that voice and see if I can figure out how to tame it and redirect the energy back to feeling joy in my life.  

So here I go.  Things that I can be grateful for is the fact that I am blessed to be for the first time in my life with people that care about me and seem to generally enjoy being with me.  My boys, my guys, my new friends are all important to me and bring a dimension to my life that I have never experienced and it is heartwhelming.  

I am good at helping the ones I care about solve problems.  (wow it was really hard to come up with something at all)  I am able to find solutions and willing to help in anyway possible to get them what they need.  Ironically the critical voice that pops up immediately after I wrote that is that I am selfish and lazy and never do what I need to do to take good care of them.  I feel anxious often convinced that I am disappointing, neglecting, and not good enough to take care of them.  This is a theme with me...not feeling good enough - a childhood learned mantra that I need to wipe out of my head.  I may not be perfect and I do screw up but I do take care of them and need to pay more attention to the good things I do rather than dwelling on the negative.  

Example.  This weekend I did not go grocery shopping so Cam did not have a lunch for football - Bad Mom.  I did a crisis grocery shopping, made his lunch and dropped it off for him at school so he would be ok - made up for it Mom.  I did not know he would need a lunch this week and once I did I immediately rectified it.  I could have pulled something together from what we have in the fridge in time as well.  So in my head that went in to the FAIL column but really that is just beating myself up and should be in the good job column.  In my head I am still arguing with myself that I am bad for not having gone grocery shopping in the first place.  I am such a bully!

Sunday restart

OK.  It is time to go radical and try something completely different.  The good thing about a new day is you get to start anew and let the week and previous failures go by the wayside.  I  joined this Inner Mean Girl Cleanse and at first I just dismissed it as something silly I would try because it sounded interesting and it is free.   The invite and the web pages are loud colors and noisy and I struggled to see how and what this could do for me but I thought what the hell.  Sitting here listening to the first week call, I realized that they may have something here.  Trying to turn these negative voices to a positive energy is much more awkward for me than trying to abate the negativity.  Listening to it makes me squirm a little, self-love seems so ...gay...and new age silly.  However when they talk about the different critics and the energy they steal from your life...it feels like they may have something.   According to the call, I am supposed to do some awesome act of self-love.  God help me just writing that is difficult.

I like having goals, but I use the goals (well when I do not do them) as a way to beat myself up for being a complete loser.   I am not sure how to have a plan without using it against myself but winging it definitely does not work either.  So right now I am going to try to do something different.  If I do not accomplish my goals this week, it will be ok.  Any small step will be a victory and there is nothing that I will be doing "wrong" if I do not accomplish my goals.  The immediate reaction in my head is that is ridiculous.  Why would you have a goal and not consider it a failure if you do not accomplish it?  How can you not hold yourself accountable?  What is the point of it all if it doesn't really matter?  I am paralyzed by the fear of failure and the intense brutality of the voices in my head.

I really want to drive this massive change in my life.  I want to eat better, stop drinking for awhile, exercise more...the same massive changes I have wanted for probably the last 10 years.  I want to commit to these extremes to drive the changes to some how chain myself to something that will force me to finally do what I want myself to do.   I can only do these extreme changes when my life is under distress and I feel it is some sort of survival mode.  Being safe and happy has turned into the hardest place to be because I do not know where to drive the motivation from as I have never really made changes for me.  Honestly I am not that big of fan of myself and I am the last reason I would ever do anything.

I keep getting back to the motivation of why and what I am trying to do.  I keep getting back to who am I?  I read this book this week that talked all about following your passion as your job and your life.  I am at a loss to my passion, my self, my identity.  I am not sure what I see in the mirror and how I would define myself which makes it so difficult to compel myself to do anything.  What do I need?  What do I want?  I know that you should just live for the right now and this exact moment is the only moment that really matters.  I think you have to want for yourself to treat those moments with the right level of regard and that is where I am lost.

So I am going to have goals this week.  One is to get up early enough to write every morning.  I want to try to make more space for my brain to sort through all this nonsense.  That is going to my only actual goal for the week.  The other things I want to do I am going to not classify them as goals but choices I would like to make for myself.  I would like to make some good choices on diet, exercise and alcohol, but they are not goals just choices that I need to make during each moment of every day.  

waiting is not my strong suit

Losing my mind.  I have had a poor 2 hours of sleep in the last 2 days and I have spent since about 1am yesterday in a high alert of worry and waiting.  Just sitting here..waiting, reading, waiting.  My Guy went into surgery at 3:30 pm after arriving at the ER at 1:00am.  He is fine but the emotion, the exhaustion, the frustration is really getting to me and I feel myself becoming unwound, emotional, and anxious.  I tried to eat but the food was awful and took a few bites and threw it away.  My mind is ready to explode and implode at the same time to lay down and pass out versus standing up and screaming and demanding this to be over.  I am so very thankful that we have available health care, that the doctor he saw was very good and that he was able to get immediate help, and that I was able to be here for him.  Although honestly I am not sure how much I did given that we both just waited together but at least he was not alone - I guess.

I look around the room and exhaustion is the prevalent visible emotion.  A few are pacing back and forth with fear all over their face.  We all stare at the update board as if it is changing more than once every hour.  We are bonded together and yet no one says a word to each other.  We guide the newbies through the process and then resume our silent vigils.  Those with friends are chatting, those alone trying to figure out some way to fill the time.  The doctor finally comes and tells you about the surgery.  I haven't seen anyone appear to have bad news.   You think that means your waiting is done, but it is not.  You sit there waiting for them to decide he has recovered enough for visitors.  You cannot tell if they actively care or just absently remember and update you and there is only so many times you can ask before you just feel like a total nuisance.  It feels like the pushy ones get in first but then thinking back they have been waiting as long...if not longer...than me.

The nurse just told me that they are ready for me to come back to see My Guy. I look around and the woman next to me - her mom is too nauseous from surgery for her to go back.  The other two women across from me - their family member is still in surgery.  The  older woman who has been waiting for her husband - you could see the relief when the doctor gave her the update on the surgery but disappointment at having to wait again.  Her family tries to explain in Italian the recovery room concept -again.  The nurse that manages the updates leaves in 20 minute and there are quite a few families still anxiously waiting for news and to see their loved ones.  Tough room.  Tough day.  I want to go home with my guy, see my dog, pour a big glass of wine and breath for the first time in a day.

A picture is worth...wait they have words...

Random images from reddit that work for tonight

indifference

Walking around LL Bean today reminded me how I wanted to hike the Appalachian trail - if not all at once at least in bits and pieces.  I bought a map, had a plan to start the New England sections.  I wanted my "style" to be granola - outdoorsy - hiking, kayaking, white water rafting - always outdoors in my free time enjoying nature.  It was a few years ago and I had all but forgotten about that version of myself I had imagined.  I always tend to imagine myself - my persona - as an extreme rather than a moderate version of anything.  I take something that I like and try to imagine taking it to that level of passion that I envy in others.   I would love to be my friends that are driven - well by anything really.   It is so easy for me to dismiss and invalidate anything that is not a now thing.  I cannot maintain the desire and drive for anything really long term.

Perhaps it is just my natural persona that I never developed hobbies or interest in my life.  I am at a master at being able to let go, but I am not so sure I am able to hold on to anything.  The interesting thing to me is that I actually have a great deal of passion inside me but I am unable to focus it.   I get lost between the thought and the execution and just move on to the next thing that seems it would be something I should do.   I do admire those with strong passions and long to feel the things they feel that get them through the difficult part to get the results to become the person they want to be.  Is it laziness?  Is it a reaction to my childhood and life?  Why do I have things that I think I want to do or should do but I do not have anything that makes me jump up and down and worth the effort.  Maybe is it a weakness in putting in the effort so I mute the desire as an excuse not suffer.  Do I avoid suffering to the point that I suffer from it?  

One Art
by Elizabeth Bishop
The art of losing isn't hard to master; so many things seem filled with the intent to be lost that their loss is no disaster. Lose something every day. Accept the fluster of lost door keys, the hour badly spent. The art of losing isn't hard to master. Then practice losing farther, losing faster: places, and names, and where it was you meant to travel. None of these will bring disaster. I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or next-to-last, of three loved houses went. The art of losing isn't hard to master. I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster, some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent. I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster. --Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident the art of losing's not too hard to master though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

plans for tomorrow

Today went completely different than I expected and I am working on letting that happen without completely losing my mind.  This morning I awoke completely overwhelmed by anxiety.  I thought about the boys and was worried they felt neglected.  I normally have a list of things I go through to really work myself into an anxiety frenzy.   We got home from running errands and there were both of my boys home waiting for me.  I was at a bit of a loss as I had other plans and was not expecting them home so early and yet I knew I  really needed to see them.   I dropped my guy off so he could do his mega miles and then spent the afternoon with my boys.


Fortunately we can talk and I told them how I was feeling and my fears that I was ignoring them.  They reminded me that it was all summer went and once the school year started we would be back to normal.  They both has a great summer and were sad it was over.  It was nice, we laughed and talked and for the first time I felt just a little better.  Maybe I would have a nice vacation after all.

So plans for tomorrow.  My guy will drop me off and I will do my run in the morning, run my errands, have lunch with an old friend.    This gets me to mid afternoon.  I have several options at this point depending on how I am feeling 1) going to a coffee shop and reading  2) going to the MIT pool and swimming for a bit  3) 1 & 2 is my best bet for tomorrow as I made plans for dinner at 7 so I do not have oodles of time.  I am looking forward to the day and it will keep me out of my laptop and feeling good about myself with a fun night planned as well.

The big question is still Tuesday but the good news is I have all day tomorrow to figure it out.

Free your mind

It was hard to come back and write.  I do not really know why I just had a frozen feeling in my brain of what to write.  I have spent so much time droning on that I felt like I should have my act together for my next post, forgetting that the writing is supposed to help me get my act together.  This morning after about 3 hours of anxiety filled dreams/thoughts about work, the dog, the boys...I realized I had to get up and get some of this crap out of my head.

I have struggled over the last 4-6 weeks or so (maybe longer according to my guy) because I have just had a terrible time at work.  I unfortunately define myself a great deal by my success and failures at work and this has created a significant impact on my psyche.  I am actually generally pretty good at handling that part of it, the worst part has just been the non-stop constant sense of failure and berating.  I have felt no hope and a sense of disappointing anyone of anything they asked of me.  For the first time in my life I think I know what it feels like to get bullied.  It is debilitating.  This week, Monday was so horrible that I said almost no words Monday night and Tuesday morning sat in my car trying to build my courage to face another day - tears streaming down my face (I am not a crier) dreading going to work.  By Wednesday night I had decided I would take a job anywhere leaving my home my family...anything to just get free.  I even made a deal with myself that I would last until end of January and then I could just walk away from everything ...get a job at a bookstore or something and just call it quits.  These thoughts allowed my mind a sense of hope of something and allowed me just enough space to recover.

I decided Wednesday to take Friday, Monday and Tuesday off.  I did not manage to get Friday off, too many crisis, too many from my team were out.  Now it is Sunday morning and I still have Monday and Tuesday off and I want to make sure I do something to actually have some sort of vacation.  What are my goals for these two days?  What do I want from these mere 48 hours?  It is only important that I figure that out so I do not end up like yesterday and today, picking up the computer and doing some work when I have idle time.  (Really funny I just left this blog to check on a few things that I had forgotten to do and now I am back)  So idle time makes me default back to just the random behavior of working....so what do I want to do for these two days?

I have had a great weekend of gluttony and fun so I do not really feel the need to reinvigorate myself that way.  I have some errands to run but really not enough to hardly even matter so i will end up not doing them if that is all that is on my plate.  I hate spending money on just me so I want it to be relatively cheap. My Guy cannot take off so it is kind of days just for me.   Sometimes I come up with all these plans and never do any of them and just stay on the couch with my computer.  I want these days to be different.  I think the root of some of my problems is that I do not know what to do when I am not just working.   I do not really have hobbies or things I want to accomplish...I rarely want to "treat" myself and I am always so critical of things that are just superfluous.


So if I think of it from a totally different view, what do I want?  I want to reconnect with the world outside of my computer.  I would like to feel - spark - some sort of passion.  I would like to let go of the critical voice and just try to enjoy and explore.  Things that come to mind...yoga, art, poetry, reading, music, swimming, running/exercising...  My inner voice starts with blah blah blah blah after thinking and hearing that list.  I guess the biggest challenge is to not be miss negative and pshaw all ideas and choose to just explore a little and let it go.

some past and some present

During my run today I had an interesting stream of thoughts that I want to try to capture but I some how doubt I can do it justice. This is going to be a long one so you might want to just pass on by this particular post.

I often get asked what my tattoo is on my ankle and I never really explain why I have a large phoenix as my tattoo.  My name actually means "reborn" and the phoenix is a fire spirit that burns, reduced to ashes and reborn - and honestly that is how I feel about my entire life. Over the last 40+ years I have been forced to rise up from complete destruction, start a new and survive it better than I was before.  For the most part, I have done that.

This week an old high school friend reached out to me to tell me about saying good-bye to this girl she and her family had taken in because her family disowned her.  The girl joined the marines but had lived with my friend and her family for many months finishing high school and figuring out what to do next.  When it initially happened, my friend reached out to me asking how she could help this girl because one of my many opportunities to survive the fire was being disowned by my family at 17.   She wanted to know what the girl needed, should she try to reconcile the family, really what would help the most.  I tried to explain the best I could that really the thing that hurts the most is thinking that there is no one in the world that cares about you and if she could give the gift of filling that gap, things would be better and the reconciliation had to come from the family not from her.

It struck me odd this circular nature, especially coming from this specific friend.  Her and I had been inseparable throughout junior high school.  I literally hid at her house as much as I could to stay away from my own troubles.  She decided to go to another high school and did not really tell me until school almost started and it crushed me or at least that is how I remember it.  I felt completely and utterly betrayed and alone.  I blamed her for many years for not caring and just deserting me - not really remembering she was a 16 year old girl too.  We did not really talk much after that (strangely I attended her wedding but that is all I can ever remember) and was shocked when she found me on facebook and was so glad to connect to her old best friend.

I was surprised she thought of me that way.  I was surprised that she still remembered me, wanted to connect and held such contempt for my family and the way they treated me.  She reminded me of things that had happened that I had all but forgotten about.  It was healing for me in a strange way.  I was able to reframe the fact that this 16 year old girl did not desert me but had to live her life and I was in pretty bad shape at the time.

More than that, my troubles inspired her when she met this girl who had no one to lend a hand and provide her the help she needed to survive.  I do not know if the marines was a really good choice for a girl during war time, but this girl got a chance to feel cared for and loved in a time when life probably felt pretty dark.  At least in my experiences that was some really pretty bad days...living in the car, wondering what to do, so young, so alone.

One of the things I have been thinking about is how I actively try not to feel.  I have had many difficult times in my life and one of the coping mechanisms that I learned was to mute my wants, desires and base emotions.  That may not make sense but it worked for me over the years.  I have spent most of my career in a male driven, aggressive environment where this ability was absolutely critical to my success.  I noticed recently that I have shut down completely to manage through the intense stress at my work.  I attempt to absolutely cleanse myself on any emotion and try to stay as base as possible leaving a shell of a person.

The thing I noticed is that 1) it doesn't really work.  It is more shoving emotion down deep where it seems have more impact on my own self.  I do not know how to really explain that so I will not really try 2) it impacts my ability to feel anything.  I guess that should seem obvious but it has not been to me.  All the emotion I can muster to show folks at that time is not fake but not real either.  It is what I think I should be feeling if I was feeling anything.  Thoughts like - I should ask how their weekend was and I should check on this have to cross my mind.  I pay attention to when I am not really feeling and make sure I still act normal.  I guess I do not know how to explain that either.

I have kind of realized this before but in subtle ways.  I will watch a sappy movie to force myself to cry.  I will drink heavily so I "unlock myself" or I do something extreme to just wake up a little. Maybe all this psycho mumbo jumbo is really just useless and has nothing to do with anything but I wondered if I could actually break my ability to feel at some point.  Could I become so unaccustomed to feeling that I can not shake myself back into reality?  I doubt that but it was the thoughts in my head over the last few days and thinking about that girl joining the marines (I joined the air force for the exact same reason) just reverberated through my head during my run.

Great start to the week

Wow so much went on in my brain during my run I wish I had a recorder that was just piping in straight to text.  I would love to read how I think rather than just remembering it all.  The most awesome news is I had a good run, not a great run but a solid good run.   Can you say 7.28 miles!!

I felt good for a lot of the run and felt better about myself after the run (things that normally do not occur).  On the down side, the last two or three miles I was leaking pee which sucked (sorry about the TMI).  I wish I was a guy because getting off the trail and squatting is just not realistic but I could totally turn my back on the world.  I swear sometimes my bladder has a secret pocket of pee that it likes to disperse at the most awkward times.

I noticed something really interesting towards the end of my run - other than the pee.  I started to actually think "you know I can do this" and have a little faith in myself and then I would take like 10 more steps and stop and walk for a bit and then start running again.  I could never decide if I was stopping because my body was wiped out or because I was thinking about my body being wiped out.  It does feel like I just have this huge running mental block and today I may have slipped through a little of it.   I can not be totally foolish as I know I am not in great shape either so it is hard to know if I am just being hard on myself or if I was psyching myself out.   It was an interesting phenomenon to notice though that the less I thought about my run, the more I could run and the moment I thought about it I shut down.

glorious Sunday

The house is quiet, just me and the dog up for the last few hours.  Thinking about the day and what needs to get done.   It is all the regular stuff that did not get done through out the week - grocery store and laundry.  I had so much fun last night I feel a peaceful about the day and cannot wait until My Guy gets up for some yummy breakfast.  

It is Sunday and I am feeling inspired to do better than I did last week and not just give up. Although I never really give up just get mad at myself, regroup and try again - the part I can do without is the complete desecration of self in between.  This week I am taking the wisdom of my friend Stew and only trying to do better than i did last week.  Which fortunately (or maybe not) was not that great so it is a pretty low bar and should be easy enough to accomplish.

Today I have to finish my presentation for the review of "how I am going to fix everything that is broke" Monday with my bosses.  It should just calm things down enough after Monday as they seemed to have lost of their steam at bitching at me.  I have also decided to take Monday - Wednesday of the following week off.  I am going to set myself for some things like a massage, a yoga class, things like that so I can have just a little down time.

Maybe it is the writing, maybe it is Stew and gang support but I feel like there is some light albeit I don't know what it is at the end of the tunnel.  My Guy is right, change is needed and I think it is coming.  I am not sure I understand what that means but this just cannot keep going.  Relief is required.

getting it off my back

Surprisingly just spouting out the negativity allowed some sort of freedom or relief from the oppression that I was feeling this morning.  Maybe allowing the feelings to come out and acknowledging them has some magically power to free the threads that were busy churning feeling all that grossness.

I wonder sometimes how much physical performance is directly tied to the emotional state.  I have a power point presentation to work on and if I have any hope for the weekend I gotta get-r-done.

At least I don't feel like a sea slug like this morning.  Although that is not fair to the sea slug because they can actually be quite beautiful.

Warning - Self-Destructive morning

Bad state this morning and I wonder if I should write it down or just keep it all in my head.  I have lost so much of what I had and I do not understand why.  All the pontification in the world does not explain why I let go of my progress and let myself slide right back into self abuse?  Is there some genetic trigger that is flipped when I start feeling slightly in control and any forward progress?  Really at my age there is no where to look and blame, all I have is the mirror and I can not hide behind myself.  Does everyone struggles like this or is this a peculiarity of my personality that I am unable to drive myself to anywhere but here?  

I am angry and hurt and disappointed with myself and I do nothing but moan and groan about it rather than actually changing my life.  I am dropping balls left and right and just want to curl up and remove myself from the entire thing.  Is it possible that stress can cause this?  I am such a baby, everyone has stress - everyone and I have to stop pretending that I am in some terrible WWII concentration camp and own my life, my self.  

The battle is that I do not believe that I can do it any of it.  I could not stop drinking for 30 days.  I could never live some crazy vegan-gluten free diet for 30 days.  I can't even finish 30 days of P90x forget the whole 90.  I could not run 6 days a week.  I am not really a runner that is going to get any stronger or faster.  I will never run a marathon.  I will not be able to ever swim in open water.  A triathlon is a total joke.  I will not lose the fat and will continue to yo-yo between gross and barely acceptable.  I will never be in control of all the details in my life.  I will not do what is necessary of me at work or at home or for myself.  I will not be successful at work.  I will screw absolutely everything up.  It will all come crashing down on me sooner or later.  I will not be loved in the end.  

some success

The power bar made a difference not on the run as much performance wise but the ability to get up and out and even thinking of going on a run.  I almost got sucked into the couch and my computer but at the last minute managed to save myself and get moving.  The computer is my most dangerous distraction and I realized tonight that it seems like my energy runs out of my fingers with every keystroke.  I did manage to go and run but the run itself still sucked.  I ran too fast at first and then I just couldn't sustain it and the miles felt like a marathon.

I wish I could explain the intense mental warfare that goes on when I am outside pushing my body in directions that do not feel natural.  I have this extreme schism of self between the one that wants to be out there and the other one that has no desire.  I think about my friends that run triathlons, and eat clean food, and finish p90x and I really want to be like them.  I am ok to be in some pain but I just do not believe I have what it takes to be a real athlete or even a half-assed athlete.  

I remembered a time years ago when I had this therapist that tried to get me out of my head and into my whole being.  There was this exercise where I had to put my feet flat on the floor and try to feel my connectedness to the world and imagine roots coming from my feet.  It was really hard for me to do and I never really felt connected to the earth.  I never played sports of any kind when I was a kid and spent most of my childhood alone - in my head or in a book.  I bet I have said more words to myself silently than I have to all the other people in my life.   It is a safe comfortable place for me to be - although honestly I am not really that nice to myself either way.

Sometimes I really forget that I have a body and am always running into things and can be completely unaware of the physical world.  Trying to make myself be active and physical in some ways feels completely unnatural and counter to my whole being.  Both sides are unrelenting in their disappointment and frustration of my inability to let the other side win.  My Guy says I use these stressful events to make changes and that I will use this current hell period as a way to make my life better.  I am not so sure that is true anymore.  He is right I have spent my whole life doing that but I am losing the ability to force myself into the extreme change situations.  I have spent the last year trying to get myself on to this life change and I keep getting sucked back.  Although to be fair to myself, this one is a hard one.  

Maybe this all sounds like complaining and whining butI do not really feel like that at all.  This is an analysis of the struggle I am having while I am redefining myself and moving out of the world that has been constructed for me and trying to build my own version of me.  Or at least that is how I see it.   Ironically I am all in my head trying to figure out how I get out of my head.

Out of gas

I am done, maybe beyond done.  I have been working a gazillion (yes that is a technical term) hours this week and I have just seemed to run out of gas.  I have lost interest in anything and really I should just go home.  Believe me, I have work to do and not just a little and I even need to get it done by tomorrow.  Gawd!!

I was listening to Richard Feynman "Surely Your Joking" and he talks about for a fun experiment one summer taking on Biology instead a Physics.  I think I need that, just for a few months, to take on a completely different field and just try to solve one or two problems.

Anyway back to the grind.  I had an Amy's burrito and one small york peppermint patty.  (50 Calories)  So no veggies or salad, and I have not yet picked up my powerbar to inspire my exercise later.

get game back on?

I should be getting ready for work.  Thank GOD it is Thursday.  After whining to some friends last night they have given me a spark of motivation that tonight I am going to try to trick myself into exercising.  I  am putting it down here in an attempt to commit to it.

At work, I will not stop by and casually pick from the candy bowl - no jelly bellies, chocolate, or random pieces of candy.   I will try to eat a real lunch and not over eat by snacking.  I will pick up a powerbar during lunch today - I like the Cliff Vanilla Almond ones and eat it on the way home.    God forbid I even try to get a salad or a vegetable in me today.

When I get home, I will walk the beast - or what constitutes his walks - some sort of stop, jump, run, drag combo generally.  Then dawned with running clothes and Ipod,  I will head out to the neighborhood.  I am only committing to at a minimum at least walking 2 miles....I will see if I can do better but no less.  It might not be much...but some times you gotta start small.

Maybe I can get my game back on in time to save this week from another no exercising disaster.   The good news from all this is a I am building awareness.  I see how I get myself out of this and maybe I can figure out how to break the habit of avoiding exercise and good food.

GRRRRR

Whine Whine Whine.  I am tired of myself today - Really.  I could write about my bitching at myself for not exercising.  I could write about my overwhelming stress and frustration with work.  I could even write about how disappointed I am that I put on work pants today and had elephant legs.  Complaints.  Disappointment.  Frustration.  Anger.  For the love of god - am I really just this pathetic?  Maybe a nights sleep will put me in a better mood.

Stood up and screamed WEEKEND

It's Monday morning and i should be getting ready for work but I figure I have 10-15 minutes and I would do a quick review to see if I met my desires for the weekend.   In fact, it was a great weekend.  I feel relaxed and rejuvenated ready to go tame the lions at work.  My only regrets are that there was not more exercise, less alcohol and better food....but it had been a hell of a week and I really needed to relax.  Is it bad good food and alcohol = relax? -- probably but I am not ready to solve that problem yet.

To recap - Friday night was gorgeous walked around town and had a fabulous dinner.  Saturday an interesting "run" and then walking around Newburyport enjoying the libations of several nice bars and restaurants.  Sunday was another beautiful day where we spent many hours with the dog at the park an outdoor brunch ...more time at the dog park and dinner with my older son.   I also managed to get some reading and writing done.  All in all...enjoyable, relaxing and restorative. It felt like a weekend.

Stew mentioned nutrition to me - which is I know is a huge problem for me and one of the reasons I struggle so on my runs.  I went to bed thinking about it and managed to have a dream where I was working on some potato advertising jingle.  I do love the potato...fried, mashed, whipped...you name it I love it.   I eat a lot of empty calories and then push my body to do something with no fuel.   No surprise it is a struggle.  My Guy can eat and drink and then go for a 15 mile run...my body rejects this completely.   Maybe it is my thyroid issues, maybe it is my age, maybe because I am a girl, but I will not be successful until I learn to eat better.

I struggle with what to eat and when and still have a lot of emotional things tied up in food like I deserve to eat because I had a bad week.  Friends of mine are doing a vegan gluten free cleanse...which sounds like a whole lot of hell to me.  I get it thought - if you want the body to run well you give it really clean food - just like an engine so the valves do not get all junked up.  There has to be a middle between drinking and splurging and vegan gluten free, but either way it is hard for me to figure out what it is.

changed several times since then

Writing this blog reminds me of how I always wanted to write my own book.  I lack the creativity to come up with a unique story - given my dream last night that does not exactly ring true - so I had contemplated writing my life story.  I have had some pretty crazy shit happen to me in my life and friends have always said it is "book worthy".   I actually tried once and realized that I do not really expound or draw out the characters or incidents so the last 40 years could be thrown into 20 pages...not quite a novel.  I just recant the events and do not really understand how to build the story so it would be a boring short novelette at best.

The other problem is that I am not sure how much of it is true anymore.  I mean it is true to me and how I remember it, but I do not have many ties to my past at all and these things just live in my head without someone double checking the facts.  I do not want to end up as another  Oprah scandal (there were two I guess)  having people come out of the woodwork to "set the facts straight".  What I learned from those events is that I would never write a memoir only fiction.  It is not that I would be trying to rewrite history or lie or even exaggerate the truth, but really I barely remember some things in my life so how can I trust what I do remember?

So I met my biological dad and one of the things he likes to say (given the 2 times we have met) that we are who we are despite what we have been through in our life.  He is also big on our genetic curse to have a fucked up life which is an interesting take....biologically I have been destined for crazy.  Hmmm.  If we barely remember or do not even remember it correctly, are we really just our own mental creation?   If we all respond differently to the same event ....that whole thing that 3 people experiencing the same thing can come out with totally different experiences...then it is just kind of a mind screw for me on who were are in reaction to our experiences.  Makes me wonder if a memoir ever be completely true?

The other blocker for me is who really cares?  Ironically the blog is bridging that gap for me to some degree.  Although a book is different because you actually want people to read it.  I type out these words and move on with my day and it doesn't matter if I am the only one who reads this.  With blogs and facebook and twitter - do memoirs even make sense anymore?  If you have not done something important or impactful (which I just learned is not a real word) who wants to sit and read about some random person's whole life?  I get my daily installments of all my friends lives with all the social media....maybe a novel is just old school.

define yourself....or not....

My Guy told me last night that I should set realistic goals for myself and not worry about anything or anyone else.  This all stems from the fact that I am in no way shape or form ready to run the Chicago Marathon.  This was a realistic goal in March - but when you struggle with 6 miles - 9 weeks before the race -- it is not gonna happen.  I wanted to be able to say I ran a marathon in my life, but I let the training slip and I am struggling lately to be able to just push through it.  I underestimated the challenge.  My real goal at one points was that I wanted to do an Ironman.  Years ago I watched on TV some 80 year old woman finishing this Ironman in Hawaii and thought it was really cool she was so old and kicking ass.  I wanted to be that person.  I completely underestimated the level of commitment and challenge if would be for me.  I have not even gotten close to my first step in that goal - a triathlon - because I have not mastered my fear of swimming.  

What would be a realistic goal for me that is not just being a quitter and a loser? In this Precision Nutrition program I did they said that you need to define yourself as a healthy athletic person who eats well - so you would not feel you needed to cheat or where denying your self things your really wanted.  To really embrace your goals as your self definition and you then could achieve them.  If you have been paying any attention to this blog, you know I have no idea how to define myself.  I only think about what I do not do well, not what I want to be or where I want to go.  Often my goals are just vehicles to the self-flagulation of failure because I never believe deep down I can do it.   I look at my friends that have committed to these goals - hell even My Guy -- they train and the feel the pleasure of the success.  Why I am mentally blocked like this?   It has to be all mental - my body can not just suck more than everyone else's...so why am I so stuck?

another battle on the trail

So out on the trail, dehydrated and hallucinating about water, I actually thought to myself "I would pay my kid a million dollars to buy me bottles and bottles of soda water".   God how I miss those bubbles.  I gave up soda water about six months ago and there are times I still crave it.  Why give up soda water?  There were actually several reasons that drove me to go cold turkey.  It was hard to ignore the insane amount of recycling I had every week and 90% of it was empty soda water bottles.  I knew I was spending decent amount of money and trashing the earth for bubbly water and that was hard to justify.  A guy I worked with told me that his wife believed that bubbly water actually impacts your body's calcium absorption and although that had almost no immediate impact it was just another knock against those dang bubbles.  Tapped the movie hit the internets and I was a goner and knew I had to let my little vice go.  It was not as hard as I thought it would be but I still order it when I am at a restaurant (generally from the gun or a glass bottle so it is not propagating the plastic) but there are times, like today when my thoughts crave those tiny bubbles to be readily accessible in my fridge.

Today I had a really interesting "run".  My Guy's running coach told him to just go on his run and not worry about speed or form and just go on the run.  I heard Stew talking about building habits and doing the best you can do.  I have become surrounded by some positive reenforcement and I some how a little managed to sink in.  I went out to this run not feeling my best a headache, sour stomach, dehydrated - all the joys of running Saturday morning without eating and having a blast Friday night - with a touch of starting my period.  I knew it was going to be tough, but I left in good spirits.  After about 1 mile, I knew that I could not run the 6 I had planned - not well - if at all.  I made a crazy decision - I would just do whatever I could so I ran a little and fast walked other parts.

I really enjoyed it even though it was still hard.  Now it was not as hard as if I had just bullied through and run the whole 6, but I actually was able to enjoy myself.  The path I run on is actually quite pretty and there are tons of bikes on the path and I realized I wanted to go for a ride tomorrow morning.  I found that with the acceptance of my "failure" that I had space in my mind.  It felt a bit freeing and allowed me to think creatively about some of work challenges and feel comfortable in my own skin.

I wonder why it is hard for me to feel that way naturally and instead I feel paralyzed with my failure.  I am not sure how I "learned" to beat myself up at every misstep - even if it is while I am learning or building skills.

even if for just a night

We turned things around and took Tag to the dog park last night.   He had a blast with several dogs and everyone was getting along great until this other dog joined to park about 40 minutes in to our visit.  The dog headed right to Tag and in seconds had his mouth around Tag's neck.  The owner came over and said Tag needed to be on the small dog park because he was under 25 pounds - even though until that moment he had been completely fine with all the other big dogs AND there were like 3 - 4 other small dogs.  The dog turned even more aggressive so I picked up Tag and the dog almost crawled up my back to get to him.

Yeah - sorry dude - that is not my dogs issue for being small - your dog is not a dog park friendly dog.  He had to hold his dog while we walked out of the park and his beady eyes were tracking Tag the whole time (owner and dog).  We took our time because we did not really want to leave, but there was no way Tag would have been safe.   It amazes me that he was so comfortable with his dog being so aggressive and he blamed us for bringing a small dog.  You think after all this years I would come to accept the world is full of nice and not so nice people, but the assholes still surprise me every time.  Funny how the owner and the dog were both jerks - coincidence?  

We walked through town and settled down for a nice dinner, Tag in tow.  We sat there with our cool little dog had a really fabulous time at dinner drinking wine and eating our squid salad, crispy artichokes and goat cheese poundcake (which I will dream about for months - yum!).  I realized how ludicrous I am to complain about my life, because really I am so very lucky.  To be able to have a man that loves me, this awesome little dog, great boys and the ability to enjoy a nice dinner without worrying about almost anything - now that is priceless.  I was glad we did not just stay home and crash on the couch and begroan (me not My Guy) my miserable week.  It is so hard not to get caught up in the minutia of the stress and pick my head up and breathe, but I did.  The outside patio where we ate was just beautiful, the weather with a nice cool breeze (do not fear I had a jacket) and the trees blowing around us with the lights and candles.  The guy next to us told his wife that it reminded him of nights in Paris.  I have never been and have always wanted to go and last night I let myself drift and be transported.   It was a perfect night and a killer way to start the weekend.

[I] do mind. The Dude minds. This will not stand. This aggression will not stand, man.

It feels like forever since I posted, but it is just cause this has been a crazy hellish week and I am glad to put in my rear view mirror.  Although this week has not been all bad - because last night I had a blast going out with My Guy and our friends.  It felt like the first time I have taken a deep breath all week.  There were moments where I realized how gorgeous the grounds of Crane Estate are and the music (Entrain) was fun and the food and the friends were - and - well - are part of the reason today I do not feel like completely burnt toast.

I am really disappointed in myself because I have not done one lick of exercise since Monday - instead I have been working 12-13 hour days and not sleeping and probably eating too much.   I have to admit I traded a part of my life (more than I would like to admit) for my job.  It is all consuming and it was something I wanted and worked hard to achieve.

Now the weekend is creeping up on us (as it appears time has stopped in my office) and I am at a complete loss of what to do.  First, I am totally exhausted and could use like 3 days in my bed to recover.  Second, I am behind (yes, I know right now I should be working not blogging) in work and need to get more work done to catch up.  Third,  I at a loss on what to do for fun.

So I have some ideas:

1)  Go running and swimming so I feel better about the "exercise-deprivation" I am feeling from the week.
2)  Dog park - my dog totally rocks and spending time with him downtown is pretty awesome - downside is that it takes a huge chunk of the day.
3)  Do something completely different than I normally do - just to feel somewhat jolted out of this work week funk.

So the challenge is on for me to do something - anything that will take me out of my normal routine and bring some zip and zang into my weekend so it doesn't go down as one of those weekends that you can barely remember what you did or how it could possibly be over.  That does not mean a completely slammed weekend of activities...just something that makes me stand up and say...  WEEKEND!

I am not always clever enough to come up with these things, but heck a girl has to try right?

finding the sweet spot

Just saying - it was nice to run without feeling the sledgehammer of hatred pounding in my head.   Running really is the most interesting sport for me because it is completely mental.  Your legs, your heart and general muscles do the work but it is all in your head.  At any moment you can just stop ...the pain the heaving breathing just instant relief.  I actually caught myself saying Sorry to myself tonight for not doing better.

Anyway...feeling a bit more confident, a little more decompressed.  I can feel the anxiety creeping into my veins and am going to try my best to hang on to the sanity and not become overwhelmed.  Let the games begin - I just sorted through over 300 emails from 1 day ...no wonder I am exhausted.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

Gorgeous evening.  Pulled my mattress of my bed and dragged it to the back porch and slept under the stars and bright moon.  My fitful sleep rewarded with glimpses of the night turning to day, bats flying around, the moon dancing with clouds, the early break of dawn.  Waking up joyful because of the gifts provided through out the night.  Perhaps it was crazy but I needed to celebrate the cool breeze and cloudless night.

Waking up exhausted, realizing that the mental struggles are driven by a complete lack of rest and relief from the stress.  Moving a million miles an hour always trying to get things done, today my body say NO MORE.  It was a cry I listened to rather than ignoring the obvious signs of impending disaster.

I do not really ever take a vacation and no that I do not have the money to go on a big (or even small) trip right now, but those moments under the sky ...the demanded sleep of today...have shown me that I need to reconnect with my body, the earth, the life I do love.  I think I am going to do something crazy like take an entire week off and put my phone away and join like again.  The challenge to myself is to not only do it, but not to get lost in TV and angst of not being at work and take those days to celebrate.  Mornings at the dog park, a swim, a walk, maybe a show ...the things that I need to feel like me.

Tonight I am going out for a run and am looking forward to it.  I do not know how well I will do but I do not care, this run is just for me.

Imagine

Life is meant to be experienced.  Going through the motions is not enough.  Wake up from the slumber - life means nothing but the collection of moments that make your life.  To spend years, months, days or even minutes frozen from the breath of life is a step closer to being lost.

Easy to say - hard to live - but the effort is demanded.   Remember those feelings that spark the curiosity, the fever of creativity, the desire to go deep and learn something - anything: bongo to guitar, cheesemonger to amateur chef, explorer to poet.  These are the things that matter every moment of every day - well anything that inspires and allows you to feel alive - even for a moment.

Reclamation and release - the challenges and struggles of a responsible adult.  Do you have those moment where you hear a story, a poem, a song that makes you feel a connection a spark to life? I should work harder to fill my life with those moments instead of letting the mundane consume me. To be fair to me (for a change of pace) I am getting better at this. I am learning/struggling with this concept of living. After a lifetime of surviving - looking at life beyond just barely making it - and trying to re-conceptualize my Life is more than just work, more than a job, more than the responsibilities tied around your neck.

A song and a poem for inspiration - things that move me.

• Wreck of the Day ('06) by Anna Nalick

More Anna Nalick music on iLike

Yesterday (with assistance from Tom Waits)

Yesterday was a day where the world was too much for me too bear.  My emotional weather forecast was predicting a black out if I did not take proper precautions.



I was hanging on by a thread to coax out of the darkness the essence of my Self as I felt it receding deeper and further from my grasp.  I laid low and allow for a recharging away from the world.  My life has me constantly (too much these days) on the front lines battling to keep everything going the right way, restoring confidence, resolving issues and making decisions to drive to good resolution.  Sometimes I get scared by the fact that I lose my ability to feel - feel anything - left feeling like a black and white sketch on the back of a used cocktail napkin.

My Guy was saying the other day that it seems I need a change, a big change, but how?  The doors I want to walk through are locked until I lose the weight of my debts and responsibilities.   Honestly I feel like telling my boys to really stay away from the cultural norm and do not chase the career, the big house, new cars, family.  Buy only what you can afford in your pocket and just live every single day for yourself.  I was taught that we derive personal satisfaction from a successful career which leads to living a fulfilling life.   I can not help but wonder, do you think people are happy?   We are a fat nation in significant personal debt...not really in the top 5 Happiness awareness signs.

What if it is all a scam?  Really if everyone kind of stopped working as much and living on less and wanting less - our economy would fail.  What if lived in modest homes or apartments, cooked our meals with actual food, did not buy a new car or a new toy every year?  What if we worked only 40 hours (god forbid less) a week and put the rest of the time towards ourselves and our own passions?  Would we be just as unhappy because we would long for all the things (Stuff White People like) we have now?