My stomach is somewhere between a rollar coaster and an acid pit.  My body temperature keeps fluctuating and I get hot and then freezing and back again and my mouth feels so dry there is not enough water anywhere to change it.  I have been up since 5:30 - on and off sleeping on the couch - the off time moaning and trying to get comfortable.  This is not uncommon for me and I believe is directly related to my diet and drinking - either that or I am just not built correctly.

So I am supposed to start this cleanse tomorrow which all indications are that I desperately need, but I really just do not understand what the hell I am supposed to eat.  I read over the instructions of foods that are off and foods that are on...and I am at a loss of how the next 30 days are not just salad veggies and nuts which I will not sustain.  I am pretty sure I will make something and then buy a bunch of packaged stuff and then completely fall of the wagon desperate for real food.  The ones I am interested in clearing out is alcohol, caffeine (easy really for me) and sugars but I cannot help but wonder what the hell my stomach hates so much.  Is it that I just over eat or drink to much or is it the cheese?  I would like to wake up some day after a good night sleep and just feel better.  I know my diet and choices are directly related to that not being the case.

So today I will do some grocery shopping, clean out the fridge and prepare for this cleanse.  I am ready for some sort of change and I can always adjust as I go.  Conceptually it just seems I will be eating veggies rice and beans but who knows maybe as I learn more I will become more comfortable.  I am obsessed with this whole concept because I NEED a change.  I am gaining weight and becoming more depressed about it.  I need to kick start myself into taking better care of myself and I cannot seem to do that by nature.

I wonder which comes first the crappy eating/drinking or the depression.  I hate the way I look and cannot stand the way I fit into my clothes.  I look like I am pregnant with all my gut fat and am starting to quickly have no clothes that I can wear that I do not feel like I am poured into.   I am particularly pissed because I was actually on a good track, started to lose some weight and then just walked away with full abandon.  I was exercising and eating right making good choices and then just said screw it and have put on more weight than I lost.  I am struggling emotionally too and I can't help which one drives the other to further dispair.

What frustrates me as well is that there are times I totally psych myself up and I build a plan and I think I am really excited about it.  I have everything I am going to do and how I am going to do it all worked out and I think I am totally on board.  The problem seems to be getting it out of my head and into the real world.  It just disappears, fizzles and I almost actually "forget" about it.  My mind is littered with great plans and motivation and yet my life is full of unrealized goals and disappointment.  I can not decide if the things I decide to do are just not real enough and I have learned to trick my mind into believing that I want to do it.  Or if I am so afraid and overwhelmed with my real world that I can not take on another thing.  Which I think is ridiculous really because if I were in trouble or suffering or HAD to change - I would.  The choice of it all is what kills me.

This is attempt 8453 (or something like that) to get myself where I want to be - who I want to be - and how I want to feel about myself.  It would be nice to one day look in the mirror and not grimace at the sight and thought of myself.