I read about a runner last night that had lyme disease, one eye swollen shut, crippled his leg and yet his still climbed a mountain.  He said that he always won the competitions of pain threshold when he was a kid...he had always been impervious to pain with an added benefit of long endurance.  There is a Stephen King book. Dolan's Cadillac about a man that is a teacher and takes a job on a road crew in the desert.  The boss looks at him and says that there are people made for the sun and people that are not (my vague memory) and the teacher was never made for it.   I watch my guy eat and he barely eats and always makes the right choices.  Steamed dumplings rather than eggrolls, steak instead of pasta, coffee instead of breakfast.  He never leans towards the gluttony and always towards the better choices.

I have never been that person.  I remember passing out as a kid quite a bit from heat or illness - who knows maybe stress.  At first it was my thyroid was hyperactive causing me all kinds of health problems ...now it is the fact that i dont have thyroid that causes me health problems.  If I get over stressed, over tired, over worked, under...anything ...I am taken down.

I have almost talked myself out of this crazy cleanse about 1000 times since I signed up.   It is scary and extreme and I do not want to fail and walk away from it.  I want to give myself a chance to lose the weight and be healthy and even if it is not the most natural thing to my body.  My friends tend to be naturally fit and they rave about this...so who knows ..maybe it can push me more towards health and further away from always on the edge.  I love the egg rolls and crab ragoons and all the fat and crap that sticks to my thigh and butt.  If I cleanse my body from all the refined sugar, alcohol, and crud I generally put in - will I feel better or worse?  Will it matter at all?

So I am going to at a minimum blog what is like to be on the cleanse...but I am also going to try to stop marginalizing my goals and plans and make a real commitment.  The marathon was a total fail...but the good news ...every day is a new day.  I am going to figure out in the next week my goals for the next 3-6 months and throw down and make it happen.  yoda says there is no try.  maybe it is time to stop trying and just start achieving??  The excuses are hitting my brain as I type these words but I have got to stop hating myself and this is the only path forward that I see right now.  Living for the moment leaves me untethered to restraint  My challenge has always been taking my goal seriously and letting myself off the hook so easily.  Always free to change my mind and reschedule my goals has led to the last few years of minimal success, sliding backwards and a loss of my sense of self.