Crazy dreams.  Well before I forget as the day is getting started...all night I dreamed of sweets.  Some of it may have been the guilt of eating a raw revolution bar "super food bar" because it had agave and coco.  The agave is actually acceptable on the cleanse but the coco is not and really it was a albeit very healthy - its just candy bar.   I regretted it - even though I loved it.  Anyway back to the dreams.  All night, I kept dreaming that I was cooking delicious chocolate treats for Cameron (thats how I knew it was not real) and I kept "accidentally" having to taste one or would eat one by mistake.  It was not just one dream but over and over again in different circumstances.  Maybe it is the guilt - Maybe it is the withdrawal of sugar but either way I woke up a bit confused about what I had done or not done.  I thought alcohol was going to be the hardest part - but really it is a part of the sugar issue since I have been primarily drinking white and champagne.  The sugar is a bigger devil for me I think.  It has been 48 hours which is what I heard it takes to get out of your system - but I forgot that doesn't mean my body would stop wanting it.

The night was restless anyways.  The pup was up at 2:30 and I thought I saw 1:00 go by on my own.  The alarm went off but I had been plagued by these crazy dreams waking up between each one a little surprised.  It is so dark now in the morning and I miss waking to daylight.   Anyway time to go start another day and I have to make sure I do not accidentally eat any delicious morsels.

Day 3 thoughts...

Another day drips by and I think about food, diet and exercise all the time. I really want a nap and need to go grocery shopping but that sounds this side of hell. I am going to set a time of 4:30 to go, so I can make sure I have dinner ready when my boy gets home. I hope the tired clears soon because each day feels like an eternity especially from 1- 4 pm - those are terrible hours.

I got all my numbers from my Precision Nutrition months so I could see how my weight fluctuated between January (166.5) and my weight now (161.5) and I was really disappointed to see I made it all the way down to 153 in May. I could have made my goals and I could have been in a completely different If I had kept going.  I would have done better in the Marathon and I could wear all the clothes in my closet rather than being forced into 2 or 3 outfits.  I would feel better and be more proud of myself something I could really use right now.  I am really glad that I caught myself because I surely would have gone past my 166.5 and kept heading up and up. I was out of control - wow like how I used past tense like i have this thing all nailed down - barely 15 minutes of Ab Ripper last night and now I am all "past tense" with my lack of motivation.

I keep reading about these amazing women who at 40 and 50 that are doing their first triathlon and coming in 1st place.  I know these are extreme women that are in amazing shape and I really want to be that kind of woman - but I just do not want to do the work.  I want to be one of those people that define myself as athletic, driven and committed but I am so tired and do not have a drop of energy.  I am not sure that is the cleanse because I have felt like this - well it seems like forever.  I wonder if everything is out of me (chemicals and toxins and all that crappy stuff) will I really feel better?  If so, I hope I stick with it or at least figure out what it is impacting me so much.  Precision Nutrition said the most important thing is that you are not seeing yourself as cheating because you want to do what you are doing and you do not "cheat" when you are on the right path that you believe in.  You only cheat when you are doing something against your nature and you want a "peek" back into your other life.

I really do want to commit to the entire 30 days of this cleanse.  I keep telling myself that so I do not forget that I want to do this.  I want to be this person and that it is not torture but a choice to get me where I want to be.  Maybe if you say it enough....it will be true...and the fact I want a donut, glass of wine (or bottle) and ice cream pie right now will fade.  It is not work the weight or the fat or the physical impact - just reminding myself.

There are moments that I wish I could remember everything I thought it my head could pour on to these pages.  It is weird how easy it is to think and feel inside my head but once faced with a blank page it all drips away and I am left feel lost in what I wanted to write.   The words in written form are forgein to my thought process and I cannot seem to capture and hold them.  I feel like there are pages and pages of thoughts, ideas, stories, dilemmas and more all stuck inside me that I cannot make peace with turning them from the thought to the written word.

I struggle to try to piece it together and remember I wanted to write about there are fragments of how removed I feel and once again feel broken and I am not sure how to reset myself.  I remember suddenly thinking about the book Men are from Mars and Woman are from Venus book and how ridiculous it is that we needed a book to say men and women think different.  I am glad they made tons of money but did it really revolutionize our lives.  I find it shocking that we really needed a book to explain that or that it was believed that all woman and men think the same and if they do - does it really help?  Knowing Italian is a different language does not always mean I understand what the hell they are saying.  I remember something about someone going in a cave - I will admit I just read the wikipedia article because all I could remember is the cave.  I think I relate to that concept the best and I do not really understand "the wave" at all.

I think it is the labour of writing that gets into my way.  The words and sentence structure and clarity really feel like barriers to the point the ability to get it out.  I know if I can not make it clear in the written word the idea in my head is mutated and different than where it was living in my head.  Maybe it is the reality of the words from the voice to the page that make me realize that it does not make sense and is just my own self mental masturbation.   I do wish sometimes I could get it out but the more I think about it the harder it is.  They say that you should write first thing in the morning, maybe the filter and wall is weaker and scalable when your still half asleep.

A little music for the evening....while I go do my prescribed Ab Ripper

Day 2 is half way over and honestly I am not feeling too bad as I am not starving or craving anything.  I feel like something has clicked (although it could always unclick) to commit to doing this because it doesn't seem that hard.  I know - wait for the weekend - when I will be bored and craving EVERYTHING.   However right now I had an apple, soup and black bean salad for lunch and it feels ok.  I did notice that from myfitnesspal that I have already consumed my sugar (and over) for the day.  The Black Bean salad I did not notice had sugar added - my bad and the apple has its own natural sugar.  It is a real eye opener for how much sugar is out there and that they add it to everything.

It is a gorgeous day today and I am thinking of leaving early so I can pick up birthday cake for my kid and make him a good dinner and then perhaps - thinking crazy going for a run.  The hard part is the minute I get home I get so tired. and just thinking about running took a hit on my energy level right now.  I should try to get up in the morning instead as it is much more effective and then it is done for the day.  I had good success when I did that before, but I am having a hard time visualizing how I ever did it.  It is dark and cold and boo!!!  What about a compromise - if I don't run tonight I should at a minimum do Ab Ripper X ...god knows my glutes need it.

I guess I do feel an impact because my head is kind of struggling to stay in the game.  Even for my own thoughts I am just all over the place.  Can the cleanse cause ADD or reverse ADD because I am slowed down and bored?  I just can't seem to get into my work but it is more than that as everything feels a little off center and out of reach.  That may not actually be an issue with the cleanse as it is the first week back in the office after several weeks being out and it is sort of a let down to be back slogging through the old crap.  SUGAR.  I swear mentally that was just yelled in my brain.  Ok it may be the cleanse :)

Day 1 and it already sucks.  I am starving and crashing both.  I want something ..anything sweet.  I have heard it takes 48 hours to get sugar craving out of your system.  This maybe be the longest hours ever.  I am thinking of caramels or jelly beans or a pop tart.  My vegan gluten free broccoli soup was actually good and the nuts are good but I am done with them.  I might have to make another soup to survive the afternoon.  I should have had breakfast but my stomach was a mess from a terrible nights sleep.   The whole eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it was really nice from one perspective but as I sit here and feel my gut fat folded over - it was not worth that much.

I am struggling with the gluten free thing because I cannot find a really good reason for it if you do not have wheat allergies.  I asked my "cleanse coach" and she recommended I listen to the calls that I missed - which means to me it is not a straight forward answer - otherwise why would you not just write it as a response instead of sending me to a recording.  I googled it and found some people actually think it is unhealthy.  Although really for a few weeks - even if it is "unhealthy" it will not be more unhealthy than I am been eating on my own accord.

In case you missed the things that I am cutting out for 30 days (I already started 2 week negotiations in my head)  Alcohol (yeah read that again).  Sugar.  Caffeine.  Any product from something that has a face.  (Vegan - no cheese (did I write that?)  and Gluten free foods.   I went shopping yesterday for "food" and I felt like I had never been shopping before.  I was shocked at how many things that should be no brainers for Gluten Free or Vegan were not - Soup with eggs for example.  It was also just unfathomable how people who are allergic to Gluten survive.  There is not JACK out there for these poor people.  I because ecstatic when I found the gluten free freezer but quickly released that Vegan added a whole other layer of complexity.  I found fake mac and cheese - not real noodles - not real cheese - just some sort of bastardization of real thing.  What is Tempeh by the way?  The reviews for it are not by a marketing team  "marinate it so you can't taste it" type food.  Yum - sign me up!

I decided to go back to using My Fitness Pal to track my calories and food to see what I eat.  I am also trying this crazy thing on line called Health Month, which is ironically something I created sort of with my friends but never maintain.  The last time I did this with any conviction (the real key) I lost almost 45 pounds.  I only need to lose probably 20 pounds this time so it is totally doable and this cleanse is a step in the right direction.  This week is the week of my body hating everything about myself and next week hopefully is the week I feel better.  I have thrown down that I will do some exercise this week even if it is just Ab Ripper X.  Given my track record, lets see how well I do.  I hate the people on my cleanse list that are all "this was easy" or "doing really well".  Where are the people like me - DAY 1 SUCKS ASS!  (and I am only 8 hours into it).

My stomach is somewhere between a rollar coaster and an acid pit.  My body temperature keeps fluctuating and I get hot and then freezing and back again and my mouth feels so dry there is not enough water anywhere to change it.  I have been up since 5:30 - on and off sleeping on the couch - the off time moaning and trying to get comfortable.  This is not uncommon for me and I believe is directly related to my diet and drinking - either that or I am just not built correctly.

So I am supposed to start this cleanse tomorrow which all indications are that I desperately need, but I really just do not understand what the hell I am supposed to eat.  I read over the instructions of foods that are off and foods that are on...and I am at a loss of how the next 30 days are not just salad veggies and nuts which I will not sustain.  I am pretty sure I will make something and then buy a bunch of packaged stuff and then completely fall of the wagon desperate for real food.  The ones I am interested in clearing out is alcohol, caffeine (easy really for me) and sugars but I cannot help but wonder what the hell my stomach hates so much.  Is it that I just over eat or drink to much or is it the cheese?  I would like to wake up some day after a good night sleep and just feel better.  I know my diet and choices are directly related to that not being the case.

So today I will do some grocery shopping, clean out the fridge and prepare for this cleanse.  I am ready for some sort of change and I can always adjust as I go.  Conceptually it just seems I will be eating veggies rice and beans but who knows maybe as I learn more I will become more comfortable.  I am obsessed with this whole concept because I NEED a change.  I am gaining weight and becoming more depressed about it.  I need to kick start myself into taking better care of myself and I cannot seem to do that by nature.

I wonder which comes first the crappy eating/drinking or the depression.  I hate the way I look and cannot stand the way I fit into my clothes.  I look like I am pregnant with all my gut fat and am starting to quickly have no clothes that I can wear that I do not feel like I am poured into.   I am particularly pissed because I was actually on a good track, started to lose some weight and then just walked away with full abandon.  I was exercising and eating right making good choices and then just said screw it and have put on more weight than I lost.  I am struggling emotionally too and I can't help which one drives the other to further dispair.

What frustrates me as well is that there are times I totally psych myself up and I build a plan and I think I am really excited about it.  I have everything I am going to do and how I am going to do it all worked out and I think I am totally on board.  The problem seems to be getting it out of my head and into the real world.  It just disappears, fizzles and I almost actually "forget" about it.  My mind is littered with great plans and motivation and yet my life is full of unrealized goals and disappointment.  I can not decide if the things I decide to do are just not real enough and I have learned to trick my mind into believing that I want to do it.  Or if I am so afraid and overwhelmed with my real world that I can not take on another thing.  Which I think is ridiculous really because if I were in trouble or suffering or HAD to change - I would.  The choice of it all is what kills me.

This is attempt 8453 (or something like that) to get myself where I want to be - who I want to be - and how I want to feel about myself.  It would be nice to one day look in the mirror and not grimace at the sight and thought of myself.

Monday...Monday

Its 6:25 am and I have been on a call for 1.5 hours.  UGH.  I have been working my presentation until 1:30 last night and up at 5, I bet I crash HARD today.   I want to do a good job on my presentation but I have no idea if it is interesting at all.  Maybe it is boring and redundant and they will all shrug and wish they had gone to a different presentation.  If I really cared I would have put more effort into it, although really I do not have that much else I could say - given the topic.

I am starting to recover from the marathon, but I am still exhausted and never more homesick than I am right  now.  I am tired of traveling.  I am tired of my guy traveling.  I want to be home.  I want resume a normal like where I come home and wake up and feel like a human being rather than all this traveling.

I also decided to hold the cleanse until next Monday.  I was having a hard time imagining how I could get my hands on good gluten-free veggie food at a conference.  I would have to start cooking in my room which is just a little too weird from me.  I haven't lost interest in doing it - just realized I would fail quickly and just wanted to make sure I didn't just set myself to bag out.  I will shop and plan this weekend and start on Monday of next week.  Also since I was feeling pretty beat up this weekend - it does make sense to try the cleanse and give myself a break.  Figure out that logic!  :)

Did I say that I have one goal this week that I want to really hit?  I want to go running - 3 miles - before I leave Vegas.  This is a layered goal - let me explain.  For me to go running requires me to 1) make the commitment to myself  2) overcoming the fear of stepping out of my comfort zone (I hate leaving hotel rooms and going out when I am away on travel) 3)  actually going running.  I need to face the music and try to move my body again.  I am thinking about really committing to a program to run another marathon so I can actually be proud of myself for running a marathon.  The first step - is the first steps running :) although with a whopping 4 hours of sleep last night - I am not off to a fabulous start to being able to run.

do it again...and again...and again.

My dog was acting off last night, this morning the cats have lost their mind.  Is it a full moon or something?  While we were gone, the cat gate broke to their room and the boys in their infinite wisdom did not know what to do so they just kept putting the broken gate back up - which would in turn fall over when the cats jumped over it.    This has emotionally scar the cats (God help me) so that now they are afraid to go into the room that has their litter box - which has led to them hiding poop in the house.  AWESOME.

I had a work around immediately - duct tape to hold the gate in place and I tried feeding them food and forcing them into the room to show the gate was solid.  This morning it proved to not have been successful.  After I cleaned up,  I switched gates (as I have two) thinking maybe the new gate would be more welcomed.  I guess I will have to see.  I asked my boys, why they thought the cats were afraid and their response was because the gate fell down like 12 times.  As I explained the duct tape approach, I was told - sorry I am not that inventive.  

This kind of scares me about the thought process that goes on.   Gate falls over, pick it up.  It is broken - it will definitely fall over again - oh well - put it back - TWELVE TIMES.    So not only was there no thought in how to solve the problem - there was irritation that I was irked they didn't try something - anything fix it.

I see this in more than just my boys.  I feel like it is my superpower or something - the ability to find workarounds and solutions in short order.   I am amazed at how many people become frozen in the face of an issue rather than just looking at basic mechanisms to get through the problem.

Of coarse, the dog this morning was fighting me to eat the poop and then I found him in the fireplace trying to eat the burnt embers from last night.  No wonder last night he seemed out of it, god knows what he ate.  I have no solution off the top of my head to prevent my dog from being a goat - other than locking him up.  Today is friday right?

decide if the future matters

Transition is a battle. No question about it. You have to decide if the future matters. Because what you do right now, every day --- meals and exercise (or lack there of) will determine your future. -- Tony Horton

what has gotten in to me....

I am starting to panic.  How did I decide to commit to this crazy 30 day cleanse.  Have I mentioned what I can not have for 30 days...lets see.

• Caffeine  -- Honestly not too worried about
• Sugar & Artificial Sweeteners (including gum) -- Seriously No Gum or Sugar....
• Gluten & Whites (white rice, white potatoes, flour, wheat)....Isn't this like everything I eat.
• Alcohol.... WTF
• Animal Products (including Fish & Eggs)...No eggs, no fish, no meat....NO WAY

I know why I want to do it.  I have been sickly all summer and fall.  I have been off for months and I really do want to feel better.  I am tired of colds, headaches, exhaustion.  Maybe this will help, maybe not but it surely cannot hurt because I cannot seem to get my physical shit together.   The other reason, I want to lose weight.  Most of that will come from an Alcohol free month (wait what???) but some it will be by resetting my food eating patterns.  I can't help but wonder if all my friends and the quoted recommenders of this program really feel so awesome afterwards because of the cleanse or because they were already frigging health nuts before they started?

I have started to pay attention to what I eat to see if any of it will qualify for the next 30 days....turns out that it will not.  99.9% of everything I eat is on the list of no.  What will I eat then?   It promises I will not starve but I am pretty sure that I am going to have a tough time.   I am a little surprised watching my choices about two things.  1) How hard it is to make the right choice ...either no I do not need food or I should have something better than what I "WANT" to eat.  2) How spectacularly crappy I actually eat.  I am pretty sure I am getting no where near the vitamins and minerals and all that good stuff I need to be healthy.

I even cut back on my drinking so that wouldn't be such a shock to my system.  It has been interesting the first week was really hard and 7 days into it I had one night of a "slip".  The night after the marathon I drank too (pain and reward) but I haven't been driven like I was before and it seems more ok to not have a few drinks.  Will that really last for 30 days?  Remember I didn't make it 7 yet...it has been maybe 3-5 years since I really stopped drinking for any length of time.

That on top of my "new" training plan.  The next month could be pure hell...but what doesn't kill me makes me stronger right?  

A marathon finisher.....

I wish I could have written all that I have thought over the last 3-4 days.  It is hard to keep it fresh because my brain works faster and in more depth than I can get the words on to the page.  I will make an attempt to express what the last few days were like for me.

I realized as I started the Chicago Marathon that I love everything about running, except the running.  I know that seems absolutely crazy.  The night before I was horror stricken that I had decided to try run this beast.  The morning of I was almost apoplectic inside about what I was about to do, it felt like a real slap in the face to all the people that had trained rather than me - I felt like I had absolutely no right to be in that starting corral with those athletes.  Looking back on it now I still wonder about that but that is something for later.  The most awesome thing about running is the people, the families and friends that are lining the streets supporting their runners but they cheer on complete strangers with true feelings of encouragement and camaraderie.  The runners are amazing too - as they pass you they cheer you on and if anyone gets hurt or looks wobbly there are always those that stop that make sure everything is ok.  After spending so much time in a world of hatred, anger and general news of sadness to be so completely surrounded by love, support and joy - it is an amazing opportunity to experience.

The run itself is also amazing.  The first 4 miles are always very hard for me as I generally havent run in -forever- since the run and getting my body into the motion is hard and exhausting.  Just as I start to question my ability to do it at all, I hit some sort of stride.  It is a slow (and I mean slow) run that I start to sink into and let all the other noise in my head disappear.  I had read about where I could drop out and who I would go to to get taken to the finish line, just in case I needed it and I was ok and completely in the game until the half-marathon point.  At that point I had watched several drop out in front of me, I was passed by a blindfolded guy, and then a real blind guy, young, old, fat and thin...all passing me by.   I learned the good thing about a 45,000 person marathon - it takes a long time for everyone to pass you and there is several hundreds (thousands?) slower than me.  I was able to walk/jog from mile 15 to about mile 20 where I really wanted it to just end.  At 22 I did not see how I was going to keep going my feet hurt, my body felt done, even my fancy watch battery had died unable to sustain for that long.  I kept going thinking that 4 more miles I could do and there was no way I could quit that close.  About mile 23 police in cars were telling us to either run a 14 min pace or get on the sidewalk so I kept trying to run.  At this point I was terrified that I would do all this and they would have closed the finish and I would not be consider a finisher.  6 hours of struggling and it wouldn't count - but could I blame them..I should have trained.  There were people behind me...just in case you were curious.

I get a little insane in my brain when I hit this breaking point of my spirit.  I am some where between sobbing (literally) and angry and determined.  I was mad my watch was dead, I was mad at myself for not training and I was mentally begging My Guy to realize that I needed him and he would come find me and help me finish.  I knew I had to finish because I had come to far at this point.  I have been working on how to handle myself when I get this broken because I do not always respond to My Guy well when I have been stuck in this mental cycle of hell.  I remind myself that this is just me breaking down and I have to keep my perspective on the bigger picture.

I did it though.  I took a chocolate donut hole from some incredible person at mile 23 and I kept running (if you could call it that) and walking until I got to the very end.  The end was terrible because you were not done.  All I wanted to do was just sit down and yet I had to walk for what seemed for ever to find My Guy and his mother.  I was angry every step wishing that they had found me and I could stop walking but I realized in my sane brain that it would be hard to find each other and there must be a reason.  I finally found them and the first thing I asked him (I had actually practiced this so I wouldn't forget) is how did you do?  My guy had a horrible experience getting injured at 11 miles and still obviously struggling in significant pain.  We hobbled back to the hotel (via taxi), showered and laid down and just felt our bodies quiver in pain.

We got massages that I actually think saved our lives and then drove for like 15 hours home.  Some of my first words were "please do not make me do that again" but on the ride home we had already figured out we could Hyannis in February to redeem ourselves for having such a tough one in Chicago.  I realized that if I could only commit to running 3 times a week (5 miles) and 1 long run I could do so much better.  I have a goal of under 5 hours - ridiculous for some but for me that would be amazing.

More about those goals, making a transition of my life style, the crazy cleanse ....later.

what comes to you in the dark of the night?

The fog clears finally and my head is starting to feel like my own.  The cough is annoying and inconsistant but if that is all I end up with tomorrow I will be quite pleased at my progress.  I do not relish tonights sleep however.  Lately I have tossed and turned, plagued with night sweats and then freezing, but if that is not enough my dreams are filling my head and haunting me into the day.

Have you ever woken up confused about the night, wondering what actually just happened?   Sometimes I want to remember the intricate stories that are my dreams to retell and share because they feel like a part of my life - even though I know they are not.  At times I am pretty sure that I have had an literary masterpiece or blockbuster movie traverse my neural synapsis.  I have tried in earnest to restart or finish a dream - desperately needing to know how it ended almost a sense of completion is required.

Is it possible to read too many stories that you start to lose the lines of reality of who you have met and the things you have experience versus what you have observed in a book?  Is there ever a confusion in your mind on which is real - your life or the dream world? Ever wake up scared or angry and you have to remember the reason is not real.  Sometimes I feel as if I only exist in pieces and in moments of times and only because others see me and know me and I wonder if I was not seen for a few days or weeks would I start to disappear from the world.  I know that this is not real, but in the dark of the night the dreams create confusion and a piece of my struggle and sense of isolation that feels more powerful than my reality.

Do not get me wrong I am not that unhinged that dreams and real life are dancing in my head unable to unwind from each other even when the music stops...but sometimes....

Over it!

I am done.  Done with the scratchy throat, done with the headache, done with the cough and the insatiable thirst.  I am done feeling exhausted and foggy.  D is sick.  My guy is sick.  I am sick.   I am so done.  I want to sleep - I never want to sleep.  I try to sleep and I lay there sweating, freezing and coughing.  People I am done.

everything is almost perfect

The pup beside me, one kid has gone to bed ...watching "Get him to the greek"  with the other....coughing, sore throat and missing the love of my life.  My Guy is traveling and sick and I wish he were home here with me.  I loathe going to bed without him.

However, there is a part of me that is really happy.  Things feel safe and good and I know he will come home to me.  Hurry home.  The bed is empty.  I never thought my heart would belong so completely without question to someone else.

I read about a runner last night that had lyme disease, one eye swollen shut, crippled his leg and yet his still climbed a mountain.  He said that he always won the competitions of pain threshold when he was a kid...he had always been impervious to pain with an added benefit of long endurance.  There is a Stephen King book. Dolan's Cadillac about a man that is a teacher and takes a job on a road crew in the desert.  The boss looks at him and says that there are people made for the sun and people that are not (my vague memory) and the teacher was never made for it.   I watch my guy eat and he barely eats and always makes the right choices.  Steamed dumplings rather than eggrolls, steak instead of pasta, coffee instead of breakfast.  He never leans towards the gluttony and always towards the better choices.

I have never been that person.  I remember passing out as a kid quite a bit from heat or illness - who knows maybe stress.  At first it was my thyroid was hyperactive causing me all kinds of health problems ...now it is the fact that i dont have thyroid that causes me health problems.  If I get over stressed, over tired, over worked, under...anything ...I am taken down.

I have almost talked myself out of this crazy cleanse about 1000 times since I signed up.   It is scary and extreme and I do not want to fail and walk away from it.  I want to give myself a chance to lose the weight and be healthy and even if it is not the most natural thing to my body.  My friends tend to be naturally fit and they rave about this...so who knows ..maybe it can push me more towards health and further away from always on the edge.  I love the egg rolls and crab ragoons and all the fat and crap that sticks to my thigh and butt.  If I cleanse my body from all the refined sugar, alcohol, and crud I generally put in - will I feel better or worse?  Will it matter at all?

So I am going to at a minimum blog what is like to be on the cleanse...but I am also going to try to stop marginalizing my goals and plans and make a real commitment.  The marathon was a total fail...but the good news ...every day is a new day.  I am going to figure out in the next week my goals for the next 3-6 months and throw down and make it happen.  yoda says there is no try.  maybe it is time to stop trying and just start achieving??  The excuses are hitting my brain as I type these words but I have got to stop hating myself and this is the only path forward that I see right now.  Living for the moment leaves me untethered to restraint  My challenge has always been taking my goal seriously and letting myself off the hook so easily.  Always free to change my mind and reschedule my goals has led to the last few years of minimal success, sliding backwards and a loss of my sense of self.

boring.....

After Ragnar and my work trip, the morning I wake up with a raging sore throat and a pounding headache and cramping (love being a girl).  I can't sleep any more or at least my back wants me to get up and sit differently as it is done with being in bed.  I come into the living room and the trees out the window are starting to change and the sun is shining.  It is the first time I have seen a pretty day since LAST sunday.

The boys have already started to stir.  One has work and the other has football.  My guy is still sleeping and I will have to go wake him up soon to get the day going.  We are going to take the dog to the dog park and let him wrestle out some of his energy and then go to C's football game.  After that I am not sure.

I did something crazy last night that I kind of regret but on the other hand thing desperate times call for desperate measures.  I signed up for that vegan/gluten free cleanse.  Its insane.  I have had 3 friends do it and they honestly rave about the weight they lose and the way they feel.  My body is starting to look like a squirrel storing up for winter and I cannot seem to get myself motivated to do anything.  I told myself Wednesday I was not going to drink until Chicago and then promptly drank Thursday and Friday.  I have been watching (just watching not changing) what I eat - only to learn I am having a love affair with the potato and its starchy cousins.

Anyway this crazy thing starts on Monday October 18th and goes for 30 days and I will just have to see if it helps or digs the hole deeper.  I am starting to feel out of place of myself...I am not sure where I belong...comes from too much damn introspection without progress.  My work I am the total odd woman out....mainly because I am a woman and the other because I represent the anti-future.

Wow I feel crappy.