Running towards not away

In my quest to get my mind around why I cannot seem to follow through with any of my ideals or goals, I started doing the Mind Alchemy course.  Well I am supposed to be 2weeks in but just started day 2.  Have I mentioned I have focus problems :).  The goal of this exercise was simply to write up 4 outcomes I would like to see in the next month and then determine the motivation direction - away from something you don't like or towards something you do.  The first two are easy and repetitive.  Lose weight - away from hating myself more.  Exercise more - away from hating myself more.  Ok - so I only need two more outcomes and  I am someone who thrives on creating goals so this should be easy.  My mind is a complete blank and I cannot think of one outcome that I want to happen over the month.   The interesting thing is that if your motivation is to get away from something (hating myself, being in bad shape) it is harder to motivate than goals where you are heading towards something (wanting to be heathier, climb a mountain, accomplish something) and I can not think of a single thing I am headed towards.   I thought about having an outcome be writing more in my blog, but I do not know why I want that as an outcome - what do I want from it?  The bigger question which alludes me - is what am I headed towards in general?  I am not posing the who do I want to be when I grow up question - but a completely different take on it.

What do I want to do with the rest of my life?  I have a good job, my kids are older and now my life is mine to have and control.  Do not get me wrong - money is tight so I am not carefree enough to be able to do anything at my whim.   I have struggled my whole life with the whole hobby thing because it feels ridiculous and like a waste of time/effort because I will never really be good at it and there is no real value.  However when I see what I spend my time on now (TV, Reddit, reading, drinking, eating) I wonder why I am so afraid of wasting my time.  I have found many activities, places and things that I would like to do and yet that is where they stay, on a list or as a bookmark on my browser.   I do not have oodles of time as I still have a full time job and a household that requires up keep. I struggle with the cycle because before I know it the weekend is over, the week has begun.  The week is a series of  repetitive motions that are compressed and controlled and I have limited ability to impact those hours.  I have friends that awake at the crack of dawn (or before) to fit it all in all they want to do every day.  Maybe you have to have an motivational outcome that you are moving towards to have that type of  resolve, otherwise you end up like me, burning hours away with no sense of ...well ...anything.

This weekend was a small step towards that redefining what I do with my time.  The last few weekends have been lost to eating drinking debauchery and nothing else accomplished.  For a change, we went to a glassblowing class for a few hours on Saturday.  It was really enjoyable and I would definitely do it again.  Time still feels compressed as it is late on Sunday morning and I have only managed to accomplish massive web-surfing and this blog post.  I have books to read, puzzles to look at, exercise I should be doing and yet here I am - on the couch, under a blanket with my computer contemplating doing - rather than doing.  However, maybe it is not about always doing and having things planned,  perhaps it has more to do with living with purpose than it has to do with how much I do.  I have fallen into a habit of wasting a lot of my time and it has left me feeling empty and powerless to the routine of my life.    My guy tells me that instead of focusing on the big radical changes I should focus on the small decisions I make every day, and I know he is right.  It is also -  for me - paying attention to the all  non decisions I have gotten into the habit of making. Right now I want to be doing my blog entry - earlier when surfing the web for an hour or so - I wish I had done something else with that time. Choices are easier to make if you are headed in a direction (I removed the word right because I am not sure that matters) - but which direction am I headed for?