Taking notice

After reviewing my outcomes the other day I realized I needed to review how I was spending my time because many of my outcomes had me wanting to participate more in life and things that challenged me.  My gut reaction was that my life is very full and I am always trying to find and do new things.   Yet, the theme of most of my outcomes was that I was going to take up a practice on a daily, weekly, monthly basis to expand my life.   I decided to review my calendar and look at what I had planned for the next few months and I found that in fact my life was full and exciting. When I reviewed the list I realized that it is not that I am not doing anything or that my choices are bad; they just do not support any goals, outcomes or life purpose that is very clear.  Here is the list for the next few months:

• Feb - Cochon 555, Wit, Mexican Night, Glass Blowing, Dinner with Friend, Lamb Jam, Story Telling, CSA Open House, Hyannis Half Marathon
• March - More Story Telling, Girls night, Slow Food Gathering,  Shakespeare Play, Slow Food Pot Luck, Dummy Big Air Contest, Multisport Expo, Swim lesson, Grace Potter
• April - Great Bay Half, Wine Riot, Wine Riot Volunteer, Antje Duvkot, Dash for a Difference
• May - Providence Marathon, Ragnar NE

The athletic goals are great - but I am not training for them.  The food events are fun but I drink and eat and gain weight from them.  Music events are awesome as well but a repeat of more food and wine.  Things that I have added since working on my outcomes are Storytelling Class, Slow Food Gathering, Dash for a Difference, and being a Wine Riot Volunteer.  The wine riot one is a way to save money and still go to the event so not sure it counts as a real change.  I think perhaps the emptiness I feel is that I have filled my life with fun but no meaning.  I have goals but my life activities do not support them and my goals were not compelling enough in my heart to make me change my behavior.  The word that just entered my head is my life feels soulless, perhaps this is why the word debauchery seems to resonate so strongly with my life.  

Despite a 7 month layover in training, I am going to do the Hyannis Half marathon.  Do it is a strong word because it will hurt and I will do very poorly but I am not one to quit or give up on a commitment.  I cannot decide if that is a good trait or one that keeps me chained down but it is the choice I have made.  I want it to be a kick start or a kick in the ass to change my goals - one way or the other.  Perhaps while laboring through those 13 so miles I can spend some time thinking about what I want from each day each moment of my life.