Did you miss me? You would think the weekends I would have more time to write not less time but this weekend instead of writing I chose to read. I have the ability to read very quickly which means I can pick up something in the morning and finish it before lunch - if it is a short fun read. Of coarse I should have time to do both, especially when reviewing the course of my weekend but I think I shy away from it because I am in the middle of completely derailing all my decision and writing merely reminds me of how far off the tracks I am. There are several key things that I have come to realize this weekend but the primary one is that I have no control and am in a downward spiral with no obvious parachute. Perhaps this sounds extreme but I am pretty sure that it is completely true.
Looking at the facts. Fact 1. I drink more than anyone I know other than perhaps my guy. I drink all weekend - Friday night, Saturday brunch, Saturday night, Sunday brunch, Sunday afternoon, Sunday night, Monday Brunch, and Monday night. If I try to see the "bright side" - I do seem to be drinking slightly less but is no great accomplishment. I do believe that I have lost control of my drinking but mainly because I am bored and have no great desire to do anything so why not drink. Fact 2. I am eating like I am either going to die tomorrow or do not care if I am a 200+ pound woman. I eat dessert, fried food, rich foods and lots of food. There is a correlation too - the more I drink - the more I eat as it seems I want to eat and alcohol gives me permission. I can not decide if my goal is self-satisfaction or self-destruction but given how I feel every Monday morning I think I know. Fact 3. I have zero motivation, desire or intention to change any of these facts. I have thought the hell out of my behavior and motivation and although I some what understanding some of the root cause I have still yet done the simplest thing of getting off my ass and motivated to make a change. I have tried the extremes - today I am going to.... and honestly that works for a week or two. I have tried the little choices - eat a little better drink a little less...and that has gotten me no where as it turns out the little choices become irrelevant in a wave of bad choices.
Things are deteriorating in all aspects of my life. I have glimmers of hope that I am going to be of strong mind and will but then I just sink into this weak anemic unhappy version of myself. I have thought about professional help - maybe AA or a therapist - but in the end isn't this just me deciding what has to be done and doing it. My fear is not only that I do not have any conviction - but do I still have hope that I can break free of this self-destructive cycle? I never dreamed that through all the hell in my life that the part of my life that would show my true weakness and destructiveness would be the easiest time of my life.
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