My ex told me the other night that he was impressed with all the things I do as I am always doing interesting things as posted on facebook. It was an interesting comment, especially as I am spending this time thinking about bringing some meaning into my life and wondering about the quality of my life. I had to stop and think about it and I do underestimate the fun that I actually have and all the fun things that I have experienced. I seem to have the ability to belittle and demean everything I do - the failure overwhelms all the fun. The thing that I struggle with is that all I do leaves me feeling a little empty and in the end - even if it is fun. It is the same weirdness with hobbies where I can not seem to let myself enjoy because it does not have purpose. It is more than just purpose because much of what I do the purpose is just having fun and means very little in the scheme of things. I think one of the things I struggle with is the frivolity of my life. Even when I was young I wanted my life to matter - I wanted to make a difference.
When I was young I thought that I would make a difference from the work I did that my job would make a difference to the world. My family was very geared toward the importance what you accomplished from work and never the value of the family. I have realized that even though my job matters for the people that work for me and the company I put in my effort - at the end of the day I am just another person fulfilling a task. I take great pride in my boys but as they get older I realize that they are the ones responsible for their destiny and it would be vain and plagiarizing their accomplishment because in the end they are the ones that make their choices. As parents we only set the table and our children decide the next steps on their own. All the slogans say it is the impact of an individual on another individual that make a difference in the world. I think I was just hoping for a bigger bang. I seem to demean anything I do that is of no real value to any one other than myself. I punish myself for not bringing more value but am at a loss of how to accomplish what internally I think I need to be doing. <>
All those thoughts made my brain spin. Sometimes I do not realize how complex I have made the world for myself with all these rigid structures of right and wrong, success and failure, value and uselessness that are so deeply embedded in my brain. I chose a way to manage through the difficulties of my life by building these constructs (many came pre-built from my family) and yet they leave me pinned down to an ideology that is devoid of relief from disappointment. I have to almost reverse engineer my own thoughts and beliefs because what is built in is driving me to an unsatisfying life. The goal is to figure out what it is that I hold important and what that looks like (outcomes) and figure out how to get there. I have to erase the tapes that say that it isn't good enough or does not matter and allow myself to want what I want and accomplish it without loathing and self-scathing. Easy....Right?
Oh and for those keeping count - still not a single drop of exercise...but some better eating choices. I am going to weight myself this morning - God help me.
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