So I quit the cleanse and I seemed to have quit everything else that was on track too.  I was writing consistently and then I just fell off the wagon.  It would have been an interesting time to try to write about my struggle on making decisions and where I was trying to find my balance but instead I just shut down and withdraw.  It is how I handle emotional stress and disappointment - partial or sometimes complete withdrawal from everything.  Failure seems to make me stop being everything I want to be not just one thing.  Hurt seems to pull me deep within myself terrified of the exposure I feel.

The irony is when I am completely alone and not sleeping and away from home I have this strange reaction of recommitting to everything and "refinding" myself.  However, from experience, it is just a mechanism that I use to deal with being away and isolated.  I have never returned from a trip and been super motivated and changed everything - or anything for that matter.

I am not lost on topics to write about and my mind is full of thoughts and interesting thoughts but there is something that just jams up inside of me when I am sitting at home feeling like a complete failure.  It is easier to throw myself into despair and continuing to screw up so I feel worse and worse.  It is such a consistant pattern and i can see it happening but i do not know how to stop it.  I sit thinking about writing and even get frustrated with myself and being unsatisfied with everything that I do.  The only thing I can say I did different this time is I did a ton of catch up on outstanding errands and bills that were months and months overdue.  Perhaps that is something to be proud of but one small solace in a two week spiral downwards.