moving forward...

I tried to get up earlier this morning but the tiredness of all the exercise definitely weighed heavily on me this morning not to mention I had no real motivation to pull myself out of bed.  I am still not eating as well as I could or should be to sustain the exercise and lose the weight but so far 100% on the exercise and I am feeling very good.   I have not wavered or doubted my commitment and really have embraced the new plan. I am not sure what is different this time, but I will say I think the meditation weekend helped but things in a better perspective.  Not drinking has not been nearly the issue I thought it was going to be, but the real test is this weekend.  I have no desire to drink because I want to stick with my program and not put on the weight I am trying to lose.  I have to remember to keep telling myself that when I am feeling the pull.

Things I have noticed is that the amount of calories burned by exercise is much lower than is in my head.  I go through thoughts like I could eat that since I exercised but the estimated calories from the different programs are much lower than the food I would like to inhale as a treat.  I have also been working on rewards overall for sticking with my plan although I do not know how successful reward systems are for me. Creating a rewards plan has never really kept me on track before or drove me to the end goal so I was hesitant to go down this path again.  However, this time I want to look at these rewards as more of a celebration of my success and sticking with my goals.  The celebration I have so far are:  A massage (easy choice) right out of the gate (week 2) and for 3 months of sustained 80% or greater - a trip to NYC.  I am trying to decide if I am going to have a month 2 celebrations.  The reason for it is that it is the hardest month for me - as I start to see success to not relax and reward myself right out of my goals.  Month 2 might be a tattoo that I have started putting together - but I have committed to it yet...still mulling it over.

I noticed something else yesterday. I was on the verge of signing up for Pema Chodron workshop and when I realized the cost I began to doubt and question why I would spend that type of money on a workshop.  The money could be used for savings or for other more valuable things and I questioned why would I need to spend it on something so frivolous. Was my search for something so out of whack that I needed to spend my hard earned money and a weekend of my time on listening with a few hundred others a Buddhist nun?   I struggle with spending money for things that are a luxury for my own whims and question why I would ever need or want it.  Even when I do it every now and then (Precision Nutrition last year) and I tend to hold it against myself and use it in the future as an example of failure.  I missed the workshop sign up as they filled up because I wavered and they sold out.  I immediately put myself on the waiting list and signed up for the weekend in the fall. I feel nervous even thinking about it now because I feel it is a scam or a neediness of myself I am uncomfortable with - is it all just a money making scheme or is there real value?  I am holding on to the decision that Pema Chodron is one of the few people in my life that I find inspirational and the opportunity to be taught and experience her teachings is something I can allow myself to splurge on.   I am fortunate to have someone that inspires me and I live close by and able to afford the experience.   Perhaps it is all a silly search for something to fulfill my life that is unnecessary and representative of the frivolousness of our society, but I am hoping I get in for the May Workshop and looking forward to it.