for something completely different

It has been a whirlwind of activity over the last few days and I am not really where to start or what to specifically write about this morning.  The weekend was an interesting mix of continued debauchery with a mix of exercise and branching out.  We cooked at home on Friday night, Saturday between the dog park, volunteering for Mother's Day in March for Wil Gilson's mom's greenhouses and then a late night snack.  The volunteering was interesting as we just went up and downstairs for 4-5 hours and afterward were physically exhausted.  We had done a run that morning (that was brutal on me) as well.  To say it was a full day was an understatement and we were exhausted when we went to bed.  The debauchery comes from the food before and after the event where we ate, drank and were merry.  Sunday we had a Slow Food's Boston Bookclub/Potluck based on the book Fannie's Last Supper by Chris Kimball.  We had a fabulous menu but we had to cook all morning and ate more food than we should have!  We made creamed oysters and leeks on toast, portabella mushroom soup, and lamb leg and stuffing with gravy.  It turned out well .  Sunday night we went to bed exhausted, stuffed to the gills and it felt like we had done a ton over the weekend.  I probably gained 5 pounds even after all the exercise.

I noticed during our run that the mental battle was difficult.  It was hard as I had not run in so long and I am terribly out of shape and carrying an extra 25 pounds. After the run I was thrilled that I had finally ran.  Yeah me!! However, by the afternoon I was already down on myself for it being so hard, moving so slow and not having been in shape.  I wanted to run Sunday but was exhausted from the Saturday night before.  I wanted to run during the week - in the mornings - but it was cold - I was tired - and really one again never got close.  I fit in none of my clothes and I feel huge.  I am full - satiated - and yet I keep eating.  Last night at dinner with a friend I noticed how I drank more and ate more bread with butter.  Why am I stuck in this pattern?  Why can't I break free?

This weekend we are going to something completely different - Shambala Training.  I was introduced to Shambala through Pema Chodron years ago and kind of wandered away once things in my life straightened out.  I am not sure what I am hoping to get out of it...what I remembered getting from the Pema Chodron books was a greater sense of acceptance of myself.   It gave me strength last time to get through some things - this time I am hoping to build a better foundation of myself so I can build the life I want to exist in.  I have no idea how it will impact me.  Will I be like a kid with a new toy all jazzed up but fleeting?  Will I feel disappointed because I look at the logic and reality and dismiss it?  Will it feel like just another interesting experience to be put away as something I did?  Perhaps - maybe  it will resonate and I will want to continue further?  Who knows - but it is only a few days away so not long to wait.