finding a ray of sunshine

I read an interesting blog post about surrounding yourself with people that inspire you and it had me thinking all day about how I bring passion and creativity into my life.  I believe reading Pema Chodron at night has helped with that some as it challenges me to think about compassion for myself and finding balance.   Other than that my life is fairly devoid of passionate or creative voices challenging me and pushing me to think outside of the box and to allow my creative spirit to wander.  She says in the post if those influences are not around you personally make sure you read and seek it out.

I am a huge reader that can very quickly churn through books, blogs, news article anything I can get my hand on.  The ease of consumption means that I will read anything that seemed the slightest bit interesting and without any real regard to the subject matter.  The indiscriminate nature and the pure volume of what I read some how diminishes the gems or those bits that could have bigger impact.  I have also volunteered for many organizations and even that I do with a laissez-faire attitude, just trying to fit it into my schedule as an interesting event or something fun to do. The impact of the event, the cause or purpose is lost to me and I come and go without any connection.  I have never really had a role model, hero, or someone that I admired and strove to emulate.  I am so analytical and grounded in "reality" that I dismiss and marginalize without allowing the potential impact of their ideas of the depth of their character.

On a similar vein, the other thing I read yesterday (I do read a bit) fed into this very well.  The Pema Chodron page posted the below:

We already have everything we need. There is no need for self-improvement. All these trips that we lay on ourselves - the heavy duty fearing that we're bad and hoping that we're good, the identities that we so dearly cling to, the rage, the jealousy and the addictions of all kinds - never touch our basic wealth. They are like clouds that temporarily block the sun. But all the time our warmth and brilliance are right there.  This is who we really are. We are one blink of an eye away from being fully awake.  excerpted from "Start Where You Are" by Pema Chödron

I had to read it several times and although a simple concept - it really blew my mind.  The idea that I am who I am and that is ok goes counter to almost everything I have ever thought about myself in my life.  I have struggled to "get better" and often the feeling I am "being bad" blurring with the belief that I am a bad person in turn causing me to relentlessly beat up on myself.   It is not hard to hear the condemnation of myself  in every word I speak and write when reflecting on who I am and what I do.  This simple statement from Pema was like a ray of light, but why would I just believe this rather than my lifetime of thoughts?  Over all the years and all the attempts at change - in the end I come back and I am still just me.  The struggles never change because the root cause is always the same.  However, I have been working on this recently and am starting to feel some positive movement.  Perhaps the clouds are parting a little?

I have felt truer to myself over the last few weeks than I have in some time.  The storytelling class and the shambhala training made me feel more centered, more aware and lessened the struggle of the disappointed of self.  I have tried to focus over the last few years on getting in shape and challenging myself physically to some difficult feats.  The training and exercise is a very valuable and I know it has brought me great benefits but I think one of the reason it fails to be sustainable is that when it is the only thing in my life I have an indescribably empty and hollow feeling that I desperately try to fill often with alcohol and food.  I am left wanting for more because all the work does not touch my heart or bring out the passion in me and leaves me feeling burnt out and deprived.  Life is more than just mechanics and I have to find a way to balance not just the tuning of the body but the tuning of all that makes life beautiful and interesting.