I hate daylight savings time as it completely messes with me. This morning is harder than most because my eyes feel dry and really I do not feel rested at all. My sleep definitely felt fitful at best but alas it is morning and we are facing another day/week. I have a hard enough time with sleep and getting up in the morning and this will make it more difficult. However I have put together a training plan that is generic but specific. It has morning and night activities and I cannot let the time change, my period, the week, the weather or whatever excuse I can find to derail me from my path. Some of this attitude comes from my weekend and some comes from the fact I have hit the time and place where there are no more excuses.
I figured out why it is hard for someone to blog about the Shambhala Warrior Training. It is a very internal practice and could be re-tagged Meditation training as the majority of what we did was learn and practice meditation. The meditation practice is different than some other practices because you are not support to focus on an object or a sound but work on the light touch of noticing your out breath and try to find space in your thoughts. As I knew, I have very loud internal voices but what surprised me more was the layers of voices in my head and their adamant demanding to be heard. The first day at one point I almost went screaming out of the room because I could not stand another minute of those voices fighting for control and center stage. There was no judgement other than what was in my own head and no one could tell how well or poorly I was doing but I found it excruciating.
It is odd to think of your mind as a third party in your body but when trying to turn off the thoughts it felt like battle. By Sunday, I was more comfortable with my inability to master my thoughts and I had a bit more success or at least felt at least less beat up about it. The question that was brought up by both myself and another woman was - what is the point? How is this struggle of vacuous thought good or beneficial? In the end from what I could understand it was the giving yourself the space to accept yourself for who you are as well as learn how to be in the moment without all the judgement. The whole "being in the moment" concept is something that I can feel in my gut and psyche as value but between the difficulty of the act and how intangible the benefit is - there is a real struggle to believe in the practice.
While trying to be in the moment, I did notice that it did allow for a certain optimism and motivation that did not previously exists. The openness did have a different feel than the other thoughts that were struggling to be heard. I felt waves of confidence that I can accomplish my goals, enjoy my life, shed some of the pain that I carry; this all sounds so grandious but for a few moments between breaths and labeling thinking and the desire to bolt from the room; I felt a certain joy and hope. I am not sure if it was the space or just the timing aligning with my own journey towards finding my strength to accomplish my goals. It cannot be denied however that during the meditation I felt some real surge of joy and even though I was not sure if they were real (why would I question that?) or what to do with the feeling (other than feel it?) it was present.
The other thing that I really enjoyed this weekend was the Story Slam. It gave me confidence that I could work on a story and be a live teller. I was truly envious of the people that were carefree and did not prepare and just stood up and told a story. Their stories were not the best told stories as they were raw and unstructured but to have that ability to just kind of say "fuck it" is an envious trait. I wonder if I think I am better in my mind than I am but those people never think that and just put themselves out there. Could I ever do that? I think there are things that I have to say that are interesting but some of the winners told stories as an art form. Is that talent? Is it practice? Mentally I immediately go to the place that if I am not going to be as good as the best one there - then why perform and be a sad copy of the real thing? I then flash back to those people who just get up and do not care at all. Must everything be a mental struggle?
It occurs to me that if I plan to write, exercise and throw in a meditation in the morning that 6:35 is not early enough to rise and shine. I need another hour at least to get it all done. I will not write all mornings but I need the space to be able to do it if I am feeling inspired. Maybe there is no morning at 5:00 am that writing, meditation or exercise sounds like a good idea but it is after 8:00 and I have stayed pretty on track and I am out of time. My goal is to stretch before swimming and I want (I do NOT want) to do 10 (I wanted to do 15) minutes of meditation this morning (do I have time?). Ah well...time to go face the demons in my minds.
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