Perhaps it is the storytelling class or maybe the meditation but my adoptive parents have been in mind of late. I have some sort pang or desire to reach out to them again but I have really nothing new to say and cannot expect a new response. Even after all these years - almost 20+ years with the last contact (a letter) probably 15 years ago, I still cling and long for their forgiveness and acceptance. In the past, I have had therapists tell me I should be angry at them or no longer want or need their blessing but some how neither hold true to me. I am not holding up my life or continuing the self-flogging about my failures but still I would like to finally make peace with them.
If they die and this is all we have ever had - this ambiguity and rejection - it will make me sad as a human being we never came to some basic resolution. The history with them is a bit sordid and complicated and it is more complicated by the fact it was a young emotional mind that interpreted all the events and words that happened leaving me questioning everything. My logical mind understands that there is always two sides to every story and that emotion easily skews perception. I cannot help but wonder how much I am to blame for our inability to ever be cohesive or reconcile. Was the adoption such a bad match that our personalities just remained in constant conflict? I look at my children and cannot imagine not knowing about their lives and share in their joy and pain as life progressed. The "irony" is that they adopted me when I was 5 and I was gone by 17 with 1.5 years at boarding school which means we have been estranged much longer than we knew each other.
I started with the idea of writing a letter and then when I started to type it out I was at a loss for what to say. You cannot send a novel about your life to people that don't care - but then I thought of all those Christmas card letters were people recap their year and they do not analyze the reader's interest level. Once I realized I did not have a letter in me, I picked up a card. The quote on the card "All who wander....are not lost" J.R.R. Tolkien. I thought it was appropriate but not too over the top - better than something sarcastic, emotionally drippy or subversive (although one could argue it is a bit subversive). Staring at a blank card, I began to worry about my handwriting and grammar and wanted to write out what I wanted to say in Word first. After about 10-15 rewrites what I have so far is something like "Been thinking of you. Hope your well" Renee. 15 years and that is the safest thing I can come up with to write to my parents.
Why bother? My guy asked about the options of their response. No answer - not unexpected at all and perhaps the best case scenario. If they do not answer, I am assuaged of guilt that I did try to reconnect and they were just not willing. Although I am in no better position than I am now if they just ignore me. What about another "Don't bother us letter"? It is unexpected as I gather it would not be worth the effort at their age, 84 and 80, and I can not imagine they would spend the same level of emotional energy on this that I am spending. I could imagine my brother - also estranged - writing me to tell me to go away as they might interpret this reach out as a way to get into their will or get something from them instead of just wanting to close the loop or some reconciliation to the disaster of our relationship. The scariest of all reactions is a desire on their part to reconcile or at least meet. The immediate emotional response is guilt that I had not tried before, fear of another failed reconciliation, and worse of all the feeling that I once again have to go be held accountable for the crimes of my youth and person. Why do this again? I guess I think some things are worth the risk of pain because this is always a shadow that lingers over me and my life. I cannot imagine what it would be like to have the thorn pulled out of my paw after all these years, but I sure would like to find out.
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