Taking notice

After reviewing my outcomes the other day I realized I needed to review how I was spending my time because many of my outcomes had me wanting to participate more in life and things that challenged me.  My gut reaction was that my life is very full and I am always trying to find and do new things.   Yet, the theme of most of my outcomes was that I was going to take up a practice on a daily, weekly, monthly basis to expand my life.   I decided to review my calendar and look at what I had planned for the next few months and I found that in fact my life was full and exciting. When I reviewed the list I realized that it is not that I am not doing anything or that my choices are bad; they just do not support any goals, outcomes or life purpose that is very clear.  Here is the list for the next few months:

• Feb - Cochon 555, Wit, Mexican Night, Glass Blowing, Dinner with Friend, Lamb Jam, Story Telling, CSA Open House, Hyannis Half Marathon
• March - More Story Telling, Girls night, Slow Food Gathering,  Shakespeare Play, Slow Food Pot Luck, Dummy Big Air Contest, Multisport Expo, Swim lesson, Grace Potter
• April - Great Bay Half, Wine Riot, Wine Riot Volunteer, Antje Duvkot, Dash for a Difference
• May - Providence Marathon, Ragnar NE

The athletic goals are great - but I am not training for them.  The food events are fun but I drink and eat and gain weight from them.  Music events are awesome as well but a repeat of more food and wine.  Things that I have added since working on my outcomes are Storytelling Class, Slow Food Gathering, Dash for a Difference, and being a Wine Riot Volunteer.  The wine riot one is a way to save money and still go to the event so not sure it counts as a real change.  I think perhaps the emptiness I feel is that I have filled my life with fun but no meaning.  I have goals but my life activities do not support them and my goals were not compelling enough in my heart to make me change my behavior.  The word that just entered my head is my life feels soulless, perhaps this is why the word debauchery seems to resonate so strongly with my life.  

Despite a 7 month layover in training, I am going to do the Hyannis Half marathon.  Do it is a strong word because it will hurt and I will do very poorly but I am not one to quit or give up on a commitment.  I cannot decide if that is a good trait or one that keeps me chained down but it is the choice I have made.  I want it to be a kick start or a kick in the ass to change my goals - one way or the other.  Perhaps while laboring through those 13 so miles I can spend some time thinking about what I want from each day each moment of my life.

Mind Alchemy Outcomes

This morning is a bit of a cheat as I am only going to post the outcomes of the Mind Alchemy class.  It was a very hard exercise and the daily practice is supposed to be to read them every day.  I read over them for the first time today (since I wrote them) and I can see why it is a valuable practice!

Health.  My values exercise had Energy, Accomplishment and Strength as my top three health values.   My vision is:  Health is an important aspect and key motivator in my life.  I have energetic, active and committed to a health lifestyle.  I have accomplished my health goals, feel strong and am looking for new challenges and adventures.  The outcome I chose is:  I have a regular exercise program and I can successfully run a 10K at a 10minute pace and able to swim 1/2 mile without stopping.  I have put a date of August 28, 2011 where I will see those outcomes come true.  As I review this I believe this would be a good outcome but realize it is one dimensional as health is more than exercise.  The idea though if health is important and these are the outcomes I am striving for the rest is part of the construct necessary to reach those goals.

Personal Discovery.  My three top values are discovery, passion, and courage.  My vision is: My life is guided by purposed and I have found my voice and feel the comfort and freedom to explore new ideologies and activities.  My outcome is:  I have incorporated a daily practice that explores my life purpose and beliefs.  I have also engaged in activities on a monthly basis that expand my life. (June 30th, 2011)   This one sounds easy but for me it will be a real challenge to incorporate a daily practice.  (see the rest of the blog)  As far as this months activity I am taking a Storytelling 101 class.  Stay tuned for more information on that.

Recreation seems to be a repeat of the first two which is not all that surprising considering health and personal discovery is a good definition of how I see recreation. Top three values: Discovery, Adventure, Playfulness. Vision statement:  My life is balanced between recreational activities that challenge me and that allow me to enjoy life and experience new things. Outcome:  Every month I have done an activity that is fun and adventurous.  I have accomplished two goals that I have set that challenge me physically  1) able to swim a 1/2 mile non stop 2) run a 10K under a 10 minute mile. (August 31,2011)  Reflecting on this I am fascinated by my own need to keep challenge and adversity in the "fun" part of my life.  Time is running out for my February activity, but how do I differentiate between the Personal Discovery activity and the recreation activity?  Should I?

Money I did these outcomes before I really took a look at my financial situation.  It was hard but one day I loaded up everything in Mint.com to see where I landed.  Holy Smokes was it eye opening.   Some good and some bad.  It made me realized that I have actually done an outstanding job providing and balancing a tremendous amount of debt (house mainly) while still having a fun and active life.  Of coarse this is directly visible in my credit card debt and lack of saving.  The three top values: Freedom, Security, Self-Reliance.   Vision statement:  I have found a balance between spending money to enjoy life while still focusing on saving money for the future.  Outcome:  I have paid off all my credit card debt and have 2K in savings. (December 31,2011)  That may not seem that hard but you haven't seen my credit card debt.  


I swear this is almost over.  It was a LONG exercise.

Spirituality (some of my favorite pictures)  Three top values:  Exploration, Compassion,  Inspiration.  Best vision statement too: Energized by the beauty of every minute, I am living with an appreciation of life and all that it has to offer.  Outcomes:  I have a regular weekly practice to notice the positive in my life.  I actively explore and learn about practices that will encourage my appreciation for life. (June 30, 2011)   I think the main outcome I am look for here is the focus and attention to the positive.  It kind of goes hand in hand with self-discovery.


I just realized I never finished Family.  I will finish that one up today and post tomorrow.

Career Three top values:  Respect, Challenge, Leadership.  Vision statement: I am a true leader and a significant part of the success of my company.  I am proud of what I do and enjoy the work I do.  Outcomes: I have actively promoted myself to the Executive Team and have created a communication plan and strategy to manage the growth and challenges facing our organization. (August 28, 2011) This one is actually a tough one for me because I do not self-promote well.  I also seem to get stuck in the pool of mediocrity and flail with how to make a difference because - well I am not sure how much my job matters in the end -  at least that is the self doubt I fill myself with.  -- I am not sure this is true but I am leaving it as I felt compelled to write it for some reason  --

Outcomes Top three values: Inspiration, Motivation, Adventure.  Vision Statement:  I feel energized and excited about what life has to offer me and I am unafraid to be adventurous and set outcomes that challenge and inspire me.  Outcomes:  I have accomplished the outcomes I have set up and have changed my thought patterns around setting and achieving goals.

morning blues

Did you miss me?  You would think the weekends I would have more time to write not less time but this weekend instead of writing I chose to read.  I have the ability to read very quickly which means I can pick up something in the morning and finish it before lunch - if it is a short fun read.  Of coarse I should have time to do both, especially when reviewing the course of my weekend but I think I shy away from it because I am in the middle of completely derailing all my decision and writing merely reminds me of how far off the tracks I am.  There are several key things that I have come to realize this weekend but the primary one is that I have no control and am in a downward spiral with no obvious parachute.  Perhaps this sounds extreme but I am pretty sure that it is completely true.

Looking at the facts. Fact 1.  I drink more than anyone I know other than perhaps my guy.  I drink all weekend - Friday night, Saturday brunch, Saturday night, Sunday brunch, Sunday afternoon, Sunday night, Monday Brunch, and Monday night.  If I try to see the "bright side" - I do seem to be drinking slightly less but is no great accomplishment.  I do believe that I have lost control of my drinking but mainly because I am bored and have no great desire to do anything so why not drink.   Fact 2.  I am eating like I am either going to die tomorrow or do not care if I am a 200+ pound woman.  I eat dessert, fried food, rich foods and lots of food.  There is a correlation too - the more I drink - the more I eat as it seems  I want to eat and alcohol gives me permission.  I can not decide if my goal is self-satisfaction or self-destruction but given how I feel every Monday morning I think I know.  Fact 3.  I have zero motivation, desire or intention to change any of these facts.  I have thought the hell out of my behavior and motivation and although I some what understanding some of the root cause I have still yet done the simplest thing of getting off my ass and motivated to make a change.  I have tried the extremes - today I am going to.... and honestly that works for a week or two.  I have tried the little choices - eat a little better drink a little less...and that has gotten me no where as it turns out the little choices become irrelevant in a wave of bad choices.

Things are deteriorating in all aspects of my life.   I have glimmers of hope that I am going to be of strong mind and will but then I just sink into this weak anemic unhappy version of myself.  I have thought about professional help - maybe AA or a therapist - but in the end isn't this just me deciding what has to be done and doing it.  My fear is not only that I do not have any conviction - but do I still have hope that I can break free of this self-destructive cycle?  I never dreamed that through all the hell in my life that the part of my life that would show my true weakness and destructiveness would be the easiest time of my life.

friday morning ramblings

Ok. Ok.  I told myself I would try to write every day.  After yesterday I feel like I have written so much I do not have an original ideal in my head.  I finished Day 5 of the Mind Alchemy and skyrocketed all the way to day 7 - pick your inspirational theme song and that will have to wait until this weekend for me to sort through.  Day 5 was all about outcomes in the various areas of your life and I found the exercise difficult and very useful.  I am feeling like I am reestablishing myself in my life a little - don't get me wrong I still haven't exercised a drop - but my food habits and my general life intention is feeling much more focused.  I have been thinking about posting my intentions on my blog but I cannot tell if it is too personal -- too much exposure of myself.   I only have a few friends that read this - including my guy - so it is not like the whole world would read it - but they could.   It is not like I am going to run for political office and this will come back to haunt me but I am not sure I want to be a Reddit meme either.   I want to post the outcomes, the vision statements and the pictures that I collected for each subject or maybe a grouping of subjects but that will take more time than I have this morning so stay tuned this weekend as I contemplate my own personal exposure.

One of the other exercises (Day 6) was writing up my perfect day.  I enjoyed that exercise very much and would like to try to emulate some of my perfect day this weekend.  Friday night is swim night perhaps followed by sushi again.  I will enjoy that and would like not to get too hammered so I can focus and be productive Saturday.  Saturday is busy preparing for Mexican night at our friends house.  I wanted to do tamales but the party would have to be on Sunday for us to have the time to put it together so we are going with a slightly less aggressive plan.  Sunday is the Lamb Jam which is a bunch of chef's competing for best of dishes (there are about 4 categories), with wineries and breweries.  It will be great fun and very easy to get distracted into gluttony but I am hoping we can keep it fun without destructive.  There are several things on the list that I would like to do but always feel like we run out of time for:  gutter and chandelier replacement investigation, puzzle time, reading time and god hate me for saying this - maybe a run?  We definitely need to fit in dog park time and maybe two times during the three days.

One of the things I feel I miss from our weekends is a sense of accomplishment and purpose.  We have nothing important to do so we end up accomplishing very little. When I think about the value of my life and that all these moments matter and should not be wasted frivolously, I realize I need to take control of the time without managing every second.   Have you ever had a small task to do but a long time to do it and you end up rushing at the very last moment because it felt like you had forever and why not? It is so different than when you are busy and a new task comes your way and you either do it immediately or schedule it and gets done. Our weekends are big open fields with one or two obstacles.   It is funny, but I want more "work" to do - but work being defined as anything (home repair, a class, exploration, adventure) just to make sure we do not squander the hours.

Believe in miracles

I have a friend who writes a blog called Martin & Sons and I find it really interesting.  The blog entries are short but poignant and the blog itself is beautiful.  The reason I bring it up is because the blog has a clear theme about raising boys.  My blog just seems like a self-indulgent whine about myself and I have no idea how that could be interesting.   I looked at my blog feed and found they all have a topic of some sort - exercise, food, technology and they pepper in bits about themselves around the larger topic.  My topic is just me and I do not think that I can sustain without injecting something else but I cannot figure out what else is of interest in my life.  Given that, this morning I am going to take a dive into my own spirituality since yesterday left me thinking about that journey.

As a child, I was raised a Methodist which is a moderate Christian - well at least the way I was raised.  There was a joke that Methodist had 7 commandments and 3 suggestions to overtly hint about their laxness of the doctrine.  As a family, we went to church, but it was more of a social event for my parents than a religious commitment.  I went to a Christian camp every summer and while there I must have accepted Jesus in my heart over 30 times - every session - it was sort of a requirement.  As an avid reader as a child, I actually read the bible all the way through - although I started skimming through the apostles as it was really repetitive.  My review of it - meh.  I was sent to a baptist boarding school and actually attended "holy-roller" church in the town just because it was incredibly interesting to see people so enveloped in their faith.  I even participated in the schools church group but that was because I was totally crushing on a guy in the group.

I do not know how old I was when I realized that I was not a Christian. It was more of an acknowledgement that I did not believe in the ideology than a shift in my beliefs.  For me, this is where the rub is - if not a Christian as a white american - what do you believe?  I played around with Taoism and Buddhism but I struggled with some of their ideology.  Mystical beliefs were something that I could not lend myself to believe in.  I realized quickly that organized religion had many similar themes and none of which I accepted.  I wanted to embrace spirituality and played with yoga and Universal Unitarian churches - however the generic nature - believe in anything but believe together - left it as an empty wanting experience.   My oldest son at an early age announced himself as an atheist and although I was surprised at the finality of his decision about god, I was not surprised given my lack of religious affinity.  As he got older, we had an interesting discussion about agnostics (which he deemed me and probably accurately) versus atheist as he believed that agnostics were just atheist hedging their bets.  This is a common reaction from atheist that agnostics cannot just cannot get off the fence to say there is no real god.  Is that who I am, just someone who cannot commit to my beliefs?

The thing about atheism is that makes sense to me is that there is no power over us control and monitoring our lives, rewarding or denying us based on some arbitrary value system.  It is clear to me that religion is a construct created to manage society and impart a moral system.  It also works for those people that need meaning and solace in their lives that they can not find otherwise.  Without religion, the world is a bit stark and your success or failure is dependent on your own actions and ability to handle what randomly occurs. Life is random - it can be joyous, hellish and mundane all in one day.

I wish I could believe in a few things because I would really like them to be true. I love the concept of Karma as I would like there to be balance in the universe. However, in the end of it all, I think we are in control of our own destiny and I do not think there is some grand plan or some universal equalizer.  I do not think that things happen for any particular reason or there is any super being or spirit that really cares.   I also would like to believe that we have a soul that is energy that joins some collective mind (totally Jungian and eastern religion) or is reused by the universe in some way.  As much as I think the concept is great, I cannot get my head around the fact that it is unlikely and that like a dead tree or dead animal -- we are absorbed back into the earth as a nutrient.  Well at least before we started embalming and putting ourselves in boxes that were encased so we just disintegrate alone and bringing no value back to the world.

The only thing slightly interesting about this is it really means to me that every day every minute as your life is your own.  You have to live for these moments and not for the promise of a better afterlife.  It means that shit happens, great stuff happens and you do what you can to manage your life but all you have as control is to make the best choices you can.  I guess in the end it means I am an atheist with dreams of a few choice bits from other ideologies.  A real dream would be universal tolerance of the different strategies (religion or whatever) to deal with this life.  I really wish religion was not something compelled and drove people to push their beliefs on the non-believers.   Why can't we all just believe whatever and be excellent to one another and move on?.

Rise and Shine

I have had the craziest dreams lately - so much so that I might need to have another dream journal by my bed to capture what is going on.  Maybe 5-10 years ago (sorry that is how time is lumped for me these days) I was having really intense dreams that felt as complex as a novel or movie so I started to investigate a Shaman dream interpretation session at Kripalu.  I wish I had taken the class looking back on it now, but I knew it was a ridiculous way to spend my money so I learned about the dream journal practice and went with that instead.  The dream journal helped me remember what I was specifically dreaming about each night.  It was better than just waking up with either a feeling of dread from a bad dream or more common that I had lived another life while I was sleeping which can be exhausting.  There was never anything overly insightful about the actual dreams but eventually they subsided.  Until recently.

This morning I cannot remember what the dreams were (there were several during the night) other than they were complex, a lot of people and a "story line", one was specifically upsetting and the others were just very busy.  I am not sure why I can go years without this type of dreaming and then suddenly it becomes a nightly alternative universe.  This sudden influx of intense dreaming leaves me questioning why now?  I have had dreams over the last few years so it was not a complete absence but these dreams have really taken it up a notch. I awaken feeling that things are incomplete, exhausted and a little confused.   I have easily had  5 or so nights (not in a row) in the last few weeks that have left me feeling that my night was busier than may day and full of dreams.  To understand you would have to imagine you had another life in another world that the same sort of human drama and mundane actions happened but the only time you go there is in your sleep and you can only remember a slice of an edge of that life when you awake.

Overall I am feeling a leaning towards returning to exploring my spirituality. There have been some post on the Daily Challenge MeYouHealth combined with the Mind Alchemy exercises that have made me think about it again.  Sometimes I do feel like a walking billboard for a mid-life crisis but I will continue.  Again around 5-10 years ago, I had been studying Taoism, Buddhism and specifically Shambhala meditation.  I read Pema Chodron's books and went to a workshop she gave at Omega center.  My recollection is really enjoying the teachings and the practice but it was the practice that I never really adopted.  There was also a quick dive into Yung as well but even though in many ways it settled well with me there was something I just could not get my mind around and it was not easily accessible.

I  have another phenomena (similar to hobbies) with any type of ideology or "practice" that I start to pick at the reality and humanity reducing it down to almost nothing of real value.  It is not uncommon for me to see a seminar that sounds interesting - then I pull out the internet and read the pro and con's of the individuals and the thoughts behind the practice and I start to feel it is not worth the value and sometimes a scam or a ridiculous attempt at dealing with the world.  I have stopped looking for these type of events as I found it to be more disappointing how many "self-help" and "new-age" alternatives to dealing with life there were out there.  As open minded as I am about alternative life styles I am destructive to my own ability to believe or explore anything. For me, the broken down truth and logic of these ideologies makes it an obvious waste of time and is not worthy of the effort.  It is kind of funny to put Buddhism in the "new-age" category but the western adoption of the practice in my mind qualifies it.

My parents taught me to be economical with my life - time, money, spirituality and emotion.  As I have been going through Day 5 of the Mind Alchemy (which is a big day) and the focus of that day is to look at the aspects of your life (money, family, career, health, spirituality, personal development, outcomes) and identify the values, the outcomes and the vision statements for each one of those aspects.  It has required a certain analysis of areas of my life that I generally do not spend time thinking about.  Who knows maybe all this thinking is stirring up the ghost life in my dreams to assimilate these new (some old) thoughts?

Dreams  

Hold fast to dreams

For if dreams die

Life is a broken-winged bird

That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams

For when dreams go

Life is a barren field

Frozen with snow

-- Langston Hughes

meaning of life - take 1,234,567

So maybe one reason I do not write every day is I am not that interesting or diverse in my thoughts to pour out words on a page.   However, maybe that is just a way to hide behind the consistent rhetoric (why don't I exercise or eat right) because it is the easy default thing to write about.   As I look at this blank page, I am completely paralyzed on what to write.   It is ironic because one of the reasons I struggle to sleep is that my mind goes a mile a minute, but when forced to stop and face my thoughts they disappear into shadows.  Maybe I am not sure what to really share with the intrawebs and my thoughts are so jumbled that it is hard to make sense of what is just noise in the machine.   Well I am just going to keep writing and see what comes out - so feel free to click away.

My ex told me the other night that he was impressed with all the things I do as I am always doing interesting things as posted on facebook.  It was an interesting comment, especially as I am spending this time thinking about bringing some meaning into my life and wondering about the quality of my life.   I had to stop and think about it and I do underestimate the fun that I actually have and all the fun things that I have experienced.  I seem to have the ability to belittle and demean everything I do - the failure overwhelms all the fun.   The thing that I struggle with is that all I do leaves me feeling a little empty and in the end - even if it is fun.  It is the same weirdness with hobbies where I can not seem to let myself enjoy because it does not have purpose.  It is more than just purpose because much of what I do the purpose is just having fun and means very little in the scheme of things.  I think one of the things I struggle with is the frivolity of my life.  Even when I was young I wanted my life to matter - I wanted to make a difference.

When I was young I thought that I would make a difference from the work I did that my job would make a difference to the world.  My family was very geared toward the importance what you accomplished from work and never the value of the family.  I have realized that even though my job matters for the people that work for me and the company I put in my effort - at the end of the day I am just another person fulfilling a task.  I take great pride in my boys but as they get older I realize that they are the ones responsible for their destiny and it would be vain and plagiarizing their accomplishment because in the end they are the ones that make their choices. As parents we only set the table and our children decide the next steps on their own.  All the slogans say it is the impact of an individual on another individual that make a difference in the world.  I think I was just hoping for a bigger bang.  I seem to demean anything I do that is of no real value to any one other than myself.  I punish myself for not bringing more value but am at a loss of how to accomplish what internally I think I need to be doing.  <>

All those thoughts made my brain spin.  Sometimes I do not realize how complex I have made the world for myself with all these rigid structures of right and wrong, success and failure, value and uselessness that are so deeply embedded in my brain.  I chose a way to manage through the difficulties of my life by building these constructs (many came pre-built from my family) and yet they leave me pinned down to an ideology that is devoid of relief from disappointment.   I have to almost reverse engineer my own thoughts and beliefs because what is built in is driving me to an unsatisfying life.  The goal is to figure out what it is that I hold important and what that looks like (outcomes) and figure out how to get there.  I have to erase the tapes that say that it isn't good enough or does not matter and allow myself to want what I want and accomplish it without loathing and self-scathing.  Easy....Right?

Oh and for those keeping count - still not a single drop of exercise...but some better eating choices.  I am going to weight myself this morning - God help me.

step by step

Another day is going by where some of my choices were good and some were not very good.  Ice cream last night and not exercising at all yesterday were bad choices.  No alcohol and constrained eating were good choices.   I am trying to notice when I make good and bad choices and what is driving the motivation with my decisions.   I am still struggling with my Mind Alchemy course.  I made it up to day 4 but then realized they wanted me to make a personal mission statement looking at my outcomes from day 2.  I never really got very far with my outcomes as I had two that were the standard lose weight and exercise and the other two were flim flam at best.  A vision statement is supposed to represent how you will feel when you reach your outcomes and given my outcomes are weak – it is not surprising that my vision statement would be something like:  I will wake up every day committed to being a better me.  I will feel energized, empowered and proud of the success and I am making toward creating a meaningful life.  Actually that isn’t too bad.  I wonder if that counts.  The bigger question is how I go from thinking about those outcomes and vision statement to making them happen?  Maybe that is day 5.  

This slow approach is interesting as it is very different than my radical change approach.  I cannot decide if I am being smart and trying to become different through noticing or if I am just delaying the real work behind the change.  Other than noticing my choices – my clothes still do not fit and they are getting worse.  I am signed up for a run in 2 weeks that I have not taken a single step towards.   I want to just force myself to run it but it is almost a crime against those who really train.  It will kill me too but don’t I deserve to feel pain for screwing around and not getting my feet on the road and putting the miles in?  I should give it to a friend of mine and let her run as she deserves to be on the course, more than I do.  

So feeling a bit down on myself, tired and not sure I will ever get back on track.  I think I will go read Day 5 of the Mind Alchemy and then go to bed.  I will NOT listen to the begging of the ice cream to be eaten.  

Running towards not away

In my quest to get my mind around why I cannot seem to follow through with any of my ideals or goals, I started doing the Mind Alchemy course.  Well I am supposed to be 2weeks in but just started day 2.  Have I mentioned I have focus problems :).  The goal of this exercise was simply to write up 4 outcomes I would like to see in the next month and then determine the motivation direction - away from something you don't like or towards something you do.  The first two are easy and repetitive.  Lose weight - away from hating myself more.  Exercise more - away from hating myself more.  Ok - so I only need two more outcomes and  I am someone who thrives on creating goals so this should be easy.  My mind is a complete blank and I cannot think of one outcome that I want to happen over the month.   The interesting thing is that if your motivation is to get away from something (hating myself, being in bad shape) it is harder to motivate than goals where you are heading towards something (wanting to be heathier, climb a mountain, accomplish something) and I can not think of a single thing I am headed towards.   I thought about having an outcome be writing more in my blog, but I do not know why I want that as an outcome - what do I want from it?  The bigger question which alludes me - is what am I headed towards in general?  I am not posing the who do I want to be when I grow up question - but a completely different take on it.

What do I want to do with the rest of my life?  I have a good job, my kids are older and now my life is mine to have and control.  Do not get me wrong - money is tight so I am not carefree enough to be able to do anything at my whim.   I have struggled my whole life with the whole hobby thing because it feels ridiculous and like a waste of time/effort because I will never really be good at it and there is no real value.  However when I see what I spend my time on now (TV, Reddit, reading, drinking, eating) I wonder why I am so afraid of wasting my time.  I have found many activities, places and things that I would like to do and yet that is where they stay, on a list or as a bookmark on my browser.   I do not have oodles of time as I still have a full time job and a household that requires up keep. I struggle with the cycle because before I know it the weekend is over, the week has begun.  The week is a series of  repetitive motions that are compressed and controlled and I have limited ability to impact those hours.  I have friends that awake at the crack of dawn (or before) to fit it all in all they want to do every day.  Maybe you have to have an motivational outcome that you are moving towards to have that type of  resolve, otherwise you end up like me, burning hours away with no sense of ...well ...anything.

This weekend was a small step towards that redefining what I do with my time.  The last few weekends have been lost to eating drinking debauchery and nothing else accomplished.  For a change, we went to a glassblowing class for a few hours on Saturday.  It was really enjoyable and I would definitely do it again.  Time still feels compressed as it is late on Sunday morning and I have only managed to accomplish massive web-surfing and this blog post.  I have books to read, puzzles to look at, exercise I should be doing and yet here I am - on the couch, under a blanket with my computer contemplating doing - rather than doing.  However, maybe it is not about always doing and having things planned,  perhaps it has more to do with living with purpose than it has to do with how much I do.  I have fallen into a habit of wasting a lot of my time and it has left me feeling empty and powerless to the routine of my life.    My guy tells me that instead of focusing on the big radical changes I should focus on the small decisions I make every day, and I know he is right.  It is also -  for me - paying attention to the all  non decisions I have gotten into the habit of making. Right now I want to be doing my blog entry - earlier when surfing the web for an hour or so - I wish I had done something else with that time. Choices are easier to make if you are headed in a direction (I removed the word right because I am not sure that matters) - but which direction am I headed for?