This morning I started to "remember" my blog. I had not actually forgotten but I struggle with writing this damn thing and I am not sure why exactly. I think all the time about things I would like to write down but I do not have the discipline to do it. This morning I thought about how cool it would be to just record my thoughts and have them become written words. I tried to imagine it. Start recording...I start thinking about what I would like to write...then in the middle of imagining I noticed that the sun was bright and wondered how cold it was outside and thought about my run that I must do today. It was a moment ...a blip of time and I became completely derailed from what I was thinking about and I barely even noticed. I guess that is why in the end it would never work because the level of focus to stay thinking about something without flittering away is probably harder than I realize. It is like the opposite of meditation...stay thinking about the thing you mean to be thinking about. Maybe it is not all that dissimilar from my level of commitment to the act of writing and staying with my goals - a thought to ponder.
We watched
Social Network last night and I am still awed to think of those kids changing the way our society thinks and acts and how amazing that really is that one person (or several) have that kind of impact. I still think about what I want to do when I grow up...or what my goals are for the next 5 years....or where is it that I am aiming for..what is the next step. It suddenly occurred to me that there is no revelation coming and guess what - I am grown up. This is most likely what I am going to be doing or something like it for the next - lets say - 20 years. Wow. I do not have a hidden talent or desire (like being a musician or writer) that I am suppressing and afraid to go after.
I enjoy life and I like to experience things but really I am doing what I am good at and to some degree really enjoy. The weird part of that is I do not know how I feel about it. Part of me wants to immediately reconsider everything and find that hidden thing that I 'should' be willing to risk everything and try to accomplish. The other part (which is currently most of me) just thinks that in the end I am lucky and it does not really matter. I have a good job that I am good at that pays well and keeps me safe. How lucky am I? Tremendously. Is it sexy or exciting work? No Will I change the world? No Do I hate my days or future? I only fear the monotony of it all.
A key that this is real to who I am is if I look at what I want to do and accomplish there is nothing to do with career. I am not looking to own or start a company. Everything I think about is for me as an individual to know and experience. I think this is one of the reasons I add the emotional stress about accomplishing my goals this year. I cannot give up on it all. I do not want to awaken and be surprised that my life is at the end and I have squandered the time. I want to be proud of not only how I lived my life but the things I have been able to accomplish.
There are so many things to do and it only takes deciding to do it. Commitment, discipline, desire.
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