Slippery slope down

I am having a tough time of it all lately.  I have lost my way and I am not sure how to even find the road again.  I have become a mockery of myself and my goals and I hate almost everything about where I am right now.  I am avoiding every problem, every goal, every emotion and struggling to keep it all together.  I am spending more money, consuming more calories, sleeping and drinking more than I ever have before in my life.  The irony is that in some ways my life is easier right now than it ever has been before.  However, I know I am right on the line and the house of cards could go at any time.

I do not know why I cannot get out of this cycle.  I am not sure why taking care of myself and facing my self-hatred has turned into some challenge that is knocking the soul of who I am right out of me.  I wonder what my boys see when they look at me right now.  Do I appear as destructive on the outside as I feel on the inside?

I am tired of my thighs rubbing together.  I am pissed that my gut has to go over my pants otherwise they do not fit.  I am horrified that the only clothes I have to fit do not really fit anymore.  I hate how I feel, how I look and most of all that I do absolutely nothing day after day to change myself except whine here occasionally.  It is almost an interesting experiment to see how much I can be aware of my failure and continue to ignore it.  I remembered last night that I had told myself if I could not get a handle on this I would seek professional help.  It is ridiculous to need help to motivate yourself, but maybe there is something bigger going on.

I have friends every where that I am so amazed and proud of with what they are doing with their time.  Food blogs, family blogs, exercise blogs, photographs, traveling, and more.  They say that idle hands are the devil's tool and perhaps it is just a case of having too much and it all being too easy.  I am not healthy.  I am not proud.

I am going to force myself to write every day - even if it is the same drivel until I feel like I have faced this darkness inside me.   I might as well throw down my goal for tonight.  I want to go swimming - even though it is like -30 degrees outside tonight.  Funny even as I write that goal my brain has already started to recoil it...thinking about the temperature, my period, the boys and dinner and a variety of other reasons it is a no go. I have a back up plan but I shouldn't need one as it is a very achievable goal.

Even through writing this I have bounced around not focusing. Where am I?