Friday, January 28, 2011

Two days

two days is all I was able to hold it together before I lost my motivation.  A snow storm, my period, my guy traveling are all good excuses to blame but none of them are really the reason.  I make choices to forget my goals, walk away from my blog and eat and drink a few more pounds on to my body.  The only upside is I paid more attention to it this time and am trying to get back on track to some degree rather than another two week spiral.  It is amazing how easy it is to walk away and make all the wrong choices and how much logic I use to make it ok.

There was a morning this week that I was in the house and it was completely silent.  Every one else was gone and for a little bit I was alone and it felt like a chance to take a deep breath.  I had not been alone and in the house in quiet awhile and with everything that happened last weekend it felt like some needed mental space.  The problem with swallowing all your emotions and staying completely calm is that the emotion is not actually gone it is just deep inside raging with no way to escape.  I know exercise would have been a better way to deal with it all but even just having that hour was restoring. This week I have been overwhelmed with all the emotion at work and at home.  It reminded me of when I used to try to develop a meditation practice and those weekends at Kripalu. It was another way I used to deal with all the emotional wasteland in my life.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

spit it out....

Swimming went ok last night.  I worked on my form - or tried to - but I pushed it on my 8th lap and was a little winded and ended up screwing up my breathing and felt like I was going to drown.  I handled it well and got on my back and kicked through to the end of the length.  The problem is that it totally freaked out my confidence and I struggled to do another half lap.  I stopped as I figured it was better than continuing to freak myself out.  The problem was odd, it was like I forgot how to not breath in through my nose so I sucked in a bunch of water.   I am committed to going on Wednesday, even though my guy is out of town, just so I do not have that be where I stop for awhile.  I want to make sure my angst is kept in check.  It did make me realize how hard I am going to need to work to be able to swim a 1/4 mile for a triathlon.   Not only do I have to build endurance but the confidence I will not die.  You know - the small things.  Everything I read talks about you getting trampled by people in the swimming and that would right now make me turn around and get out.  Fear conquering stuff here.

It turns out all I need is a little warmer run gear and I could run in 12 degree weather without issue.  I think I need a full face mask and maybe a warmer pants but it is supposed to be all about the layers.  It sounds crazy to me but I know it is right.  I have decided that I would be cold all day is I ran in the freezing cold in the morning. I have a little gear, but not too much, before I can feel good about going running in this type of weather.  At least for today I tonight I am going to do a P90x CardioX unless I can manage a quick trip to the running store to get pants and a face mask. I will definitely have purchased the necessary goods for a Thursday run - the question is only if I do it at night or in the morning.

I am ploying with what I am going to do about my diet.  I "hung out" silently on the 21 day vegan health start website and it did help make it all seem not as scary as the one I did with Tony Horton's chef.  That one was too much too soon.  Although honestly as overwhelming as it felt, I felt better and lost tons of weight on the program.  The Karma Chow on was big $$ and less informative with fewer recipes that the free online one and both of them were nothing more that providing guidelines and recipes to meet those guidelines.  I do think the alcohol and sugar cleanse were more a part of why I lost weight with the Karma Chow.   The question is I enjoy food but it does not make me feel that good after I eat it.  It either makes me feel ugh or it makes me fat which is equally as destructive.

Jack LaLanne the health guru had two rules of nutrition "if man made it, don't eat it, and if it taste good, spit it out."  Such a different relationship with food than I have.  He also worked out two hours a morning and was in fabulous shape and lived until he was 98.  I wonder if some of the neglect of my body is that living until I am 98 is not super exciting to me.  I have no idea what I would do for another 50 years.  God would I have to work all those years?  I would need a savings plan.  I do not want to swing all the way but I do want to make changes so I can feel better about myself and actually just feel better.  

Monday, January 24, 2011

Yes I can

Tonight my goal is swimming.  I wish I had studied my video more but I think I remember enough to try to practice.  The goal is at least 9 laps - which means 18 back and forth.  But according to the guide I was reading it is much more important to have good form or purposeful practice of the exact stroke.  I have to remember the decision has already been made but it is more about the execution of the goal.

I have been trying to figure out the goal for tomorrow.  So it is supposed to be twelve degree tomorrow which does not really seem like prime running weather.  I am not sure I have enough warm weather gear to be out in that temperature.  I would like to run because it would keep my on my training schedule which was a good one and this weather is not supposed to really let up any time soon.  My biggest gap is probably a ski mask or something for my face.  I also fear the freezing cold I will be for the rest of the day.  The other option is doing a P90x work out, but it is not the same as running, but it is better than absolutely nothing.   I am terrified to not have made a decision because leaving it up to the morning makes it the same as making the decision not to do anything.

Before I go to bed, I will have decided what I do tomorrow.  The time is now.  This week every decision matters.  If I slip and if I fall I will not give up, but I have been using bad decisions as excuses for too long.   I am in control of my future, my decisions and I need to take a stand for myself.  Self-loathing and failure is no way to live day in and day out.

Slippery slope down

I am having a tough time of it all lately.  I have lost my way and I am not sure how to even find the road again.  I have become a mockery of myself and my goals and I hate almost everything about where I am right now.  I am avoiding every problem, every goal, every emotion and struggling to keep it all together.  I am spending more money, consuming more calories, sleeping and drinking more than I ever have before in my life.  The irony is that in some ways my life is easier right now than it ever has been before.  However, I know I am right on the line and the house of cards could go at any time.

I do not know why I cannot get out of this cycle.  I am not sure why taking care of myself and facing my self-hatred has turned into some challenge that is knocking the soul of who I am right out of me.  I wonder what my boys see when they look at me right now.  Do I appear as destructive on the outside as I feel on the inside?

I am tired of my thighs rubbing together.  I am pissed that my gut has to go over my pants otherwise they do not fit.  I am horrified that the only clothes I have to fit do not really fit anymore.  I hate how I feel, how I look and most of all that I do absolutely nothing day after day to change myself except whine here occasionally.  It is almost an interesting experiment to see how much I can be aware of my failure and continue to ignore it.  I remembered last night that I had told myself if I could not get a handle on this I would seek professional help.  It is ridiculous to need help to motivate yourself, but maybe there is something bigger going on.

I have friends every where that I am so amazed and proud of with what they are doing with their time.  Food blogs, family blogs, exercise blogs, photographs, traveling, and more.  They say that idle hands are the devil's tool and perhaps it is just a case of having too much and it all being too easy.  I am not healthy.  I am not proud.

I am going to force myself to write every day - even if it is the same drivel until I feel like I have faced this darkness inside me.   I might as well throw down my goal for tonight.  I want to go swimming - even though it is like -30 degrees outside tonight.  Funny even as I write that goal my brain has already started to recoil it...thinking about the temperature, my period, the boys and dinner and a variety of other reasons it is a no go. I have a back up plan but I shouldn't need one as it is a very achievable goal.

Even through writing this I have bounced around not focusing. Where am I?

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Growl!

We all have these moods and they hit us and we just have to actively fight letting them take over your day.  I am mad at myself for my completely lame behavior and the decisions I have been making.  I am consistently not taking care of the things I need to and it makes me so frustrated.  It is everything from gutters on the side of the house to keeping with my exercise program.  I just let all the things I should and sometimes even want to do disappear into the ether and sometimes I even manage to pretend that I do not remember that I wanted to do it in the first place.  How have I become the person so devoid of responsibility and commitment?  There was a time where I was the complete opposite and that side of me seems to have gone on vacation and does not seem to even be checking in to see if I am OK.

I am seriously irritated, but do not think that has motivated me in to action, it has in fact, it has been a whirlpool of depression and irritation.  I know this whole blog is about my personal struggle with this frustration and disappointment.   Do other people struggle with this?  I see my friends that have made the commitment the other way and I am jealous of what they do, how they look and how committed they are to their goals.  The other day I imagined that I was just this huge woman because I never got a handle on this and it seemed inevitable.  Who knows maybe anger will inspire me to something? Ha - I think we all know better if you read this blog at all.

Another bitch - because I am in this mood.  I hate taking medicine every day.  Thyroid medicine sucks really because if I do not take it...it does impact me.  I get sluggish and forgetful.  Things get harder.  I hate that I have to take birth control just so I do not bleed to death.  I know it is hard on me because every time I take it or do not - it feels horrible.  I do not like that if I do not take these pills every single day my well being is impacted.  For the record - it sucks.  Have you ever had a night sweat?  Do you know what it is to feel soaked in sweat, be cold and just want to crawl out of your own skin?  I have to cling to the sheet and blankets to be warm and yet I am soaked and cold and I hate it.  I have night sweats when I do not take my pills when I start my period and random other times and I absolutely hate it.  Welcome pre-menopause symptoms earlier than I should but no surprise given my thyroid issues.  I do not want my health and well being riding on a medicine.  The irony is that exercising and eating well makes me feel better and is recommended to manage through many of my health problems.

Alright enough bitching and whining about all this.  I have to recommit and let go of the past two weeks of hellish choices and take today and tomorrow as a new day.  A song to hopefully inspire me out of this growly mood.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Random thoughts for this Sunday.

This morning I started to "remember" my blog.  I had not actually forgotten but I struggle with writing this damn thing and I am not sure why exactly.   I think all the time about things I would like to write down but I do not have the discipline to do it.  This morning I thought about how cool it would be to just record my thoughts and have them become written words.  I tried to imagine it.  Start recording...I start thinking about what I would like to write...then in the middle of imagining I noticed that the sun was bright and wondered how cold it was outside and thought about my run that I must do today.  It was a moment ...a blip of time and I became completely derailed from what I was thinking about and I barely even noticed.  I guess that is why in the end it would never work because the level of focus to stay thinking about something without flittering away is probably harder than I realize.  It is like the opposite of meditation...stay thinking about the thing you mean to be thinking about.   Maybe it is not all that dissimilar from my level of commitment to the act of writing and staying with my goals - a thought to ponder.

We watched Social Network last night and I am still awed to think of those kids changing the way our society thinks and acts and how amazing that really is that one person (or several) have that kind of impact.   I still think about what I want to do when I grow up...or what my goals are for the next 5 years....or where is it that I am aiming for..what is the next step.  It suddenly occurred to me that there is no revelation coming and guess what - I am grown up.  This is most likely what I am going to be doing or something like it for the next - lets say - 20 years.   Wow.  I do not have a hidden talent or desire (like being a musician or writer) that I am suppressing and afraid to go after.  

I enjoy life and I like to experience things but really I am doing what I am good at and to some degree really enjoy.  The weird part of that is I do not know how I feel about it.  Part of me wants to immediately reconsider everything and find that hidden thing that I 'should' be willing to risk everything and try to accomplish.  The other part (which is currently most of me) just thinks that in the end I am lucky and it does not really matter.  I have a good job that I am good at that pays well and keeps me safe.  How lucky am I?  Tremendously.  Is it sexy or exciting work? No  Will I change the world? No  Do I hate my days or future? I only fear the monotony of it all.

A key that this is real to who I am is if I look at what I want to do and accomplish there is nothing to do with career.  I am not looking to own or start a company.  Everything I think about is for me as an individual to know and experience.   I think this is one of the reasons I add the emotional stress about accomplishing my goals this year.  I cannot give up on it all.  I do not want to awaken and be surprised that my life is at the end and I have squandered the time.  I want to be proud of not only how I lived my life but the things I have been able to accomplish.


There are so many things to do and it only takes deciding to do it.  Commitment, discipline, desire.

2011 I am coming in with a bang

I could have been traditional and written on January 1st and spelled out my resolutions to the world.  Or I could have written about my struggles to finish the 10K on New Years Day struggling with being out of shape and horribly hung over from too much wine the night before.  However, I made a conscious choice to wait until tonight because tonight was the testament to my resolve towards improving things. Tonight I did the impossible and left my home, went to a pool and swam for about 30-40 minutes to begin practicing for my Tri.  Not only was I successful in sticking with my goal, but I was able to swim 25 yards without stopping - for the first time ever.  It made me feel great.  My guy told me that 1/4 mile swim would be 9 laps and that seemed doable and that I will be able to accomplish my triathlon sprint goal.

Of coarse that is not the only goal and the whole thing has me a bit nervous this year.   I think this year I am taking my goals more seriously than I have in the past.  I am not sure how I will look myself in the eye if I do not commit to myself and work to become this image I have of myself.  I can barely type out my whiney words any more and being that person does not feel good.  I want this year to be a year I can be proud of and feel good about.  I do not want to scrape across my goal finish line but finish knowing I did what I could to be successful.   I had a good friend once talk to me about how good he felt after he had done well in a race because he had tried to do well.  I wonder if I do not try because that way no matter how I do I can always blame the lack of preparation rather than the failed effort.

I want to be the person that finishes a marathon in under 5 hours.  I want to be the person that can do a triathlon.

I decided to publish then even though I never really finished it.  The irony is not lost on me that the post about my motivation sat in draft mode for over a week while I totally blew my entire goals for the week.  Not lost on me at all...