It has been a strange road since I last wrote. I completely shifted from alcoholic sluggard to eating right and exercising regularly. I have lost 10 pounds so far and recently ran the Providence Marathon without dying and cut an hour off my Chicago time. I feel completely motivated (albeit exhausted from the Marathon) and I am on the right path to getting to where I need want to be. It is strange after all those months (years) of struggling that I just flip the card over and am on the right path. I am not really sure how or why it finally happened, perhaps it was the weather, maybe it was just I had finally had enough but in the end I am working towards where I want to be. I am a little terrified that the switch is just going to flip back and I will start struggling with it all over again.
I have not yet struggled with the feeling of monotony of the training which normally overwhelms me but mainly because I am just too dang exhausted to be bored. We struggle with the over compensation on the weekend drinking and eating too much after training as it just feels like such a relief and well earned calories and fun. I think we will find the balance or just continue to see-saw between training and reward but even that is better than where we were. The thing I am struggling with is that I am not happy yet with our routine. I want more from myself and I am fighting to figure out how to fit it all in. The thing I really want is a better morning practice as I miss writing and a mediation practice. I had started one before the training but I have not stabilized with the exhaustion yet or maybe it is just an excuse and I have not yet found my own balance. I have a weekend away with Pema Chodron in a few weeks and I am hoping it will inspire me into the practice I am hoping for.
Underneath I am still struggling with my self image as I am still relentless about my progress or what I feel is lack of progress. It is sometimes worse when I do better - weird right? The marathon showed that with the right training I can do better but all I can think about is how much it hurts, how slow I run and how I am not a 4 hour marathon runner. I actually think the meditation practice will help with those feelings and self-rejection so I really want to work on getting that back into my life. Today is the first day just by writing these few scrambled words.
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