Back to training today and personally I am seriously relieved. Even after 6 weeks of a schedule my natural inclination is still not to training and to eat and drink to excess. Ice cream, booze, cheese...I want it all and running and biking and swimming not so much. It is interesting because inside I really want to become someone that could someday do an Ironman. I want to look like those people that have no fat on them and just exude healthy and fit. I want it to just be part of my DNA and that without a doubt I have confidence in my commitment. I know though that I need to make some changes in my thought process, eating habits and the way I think about relaxing before that will become a reality. The journey is not over and if I get back on track, has really just begun.
The other thing I have noticed is my internet addiction is on the rise again. I was starting to break the dependence on always checking email and always being on the computer but I have started to slip again. Maybe it goes with the discipline of the training but I do not really like how pervasive it has become. I hate the tethered nature of it and the illusion that there is something in the interwebs that is more important or better than actual real life. There is this drive or belief that some how a day or two of not checking email or being tapped in will make me miss something very important. Flitting through information time just disappearing with every page click while my actual life is devoid of anything It is one of those existential mornings bemoaning my lifestyle choices...when I am training I think I am too tired to care about my free time but it something I always want to try to keep an eye on. I do not want to wake up one day and realize I only have training and debauchery...there has to be something in between.
Knowing that my guy reads my blog has created a silent tension with myself about what to write. I do not want this to become a venue to air my problems or deal with our things passive aggressively. However, many of the things that happen between us are most definitely things I would like to write about. I have been struggling with this as I wonder - should I create a private journal for those entries? Should I not publish my blog at all?
I bring this up because yesterday was mother's day. It is a hard day for me for several reasons
- My boys are older and do not have much guidance from any male on how to celebrate the day with me. I appreciate what they give me and I know they care but it is limited and without much effort on their part.
- I realize it is a false holiday made only to generate a revenue stream but still it would be nice to have that semblance of normalcy and family that comes with these types of holidays.
- I do not really have my own mom or dad to share these days with and it leaves me feeling a little lonely.
There were several things that made me feel a little numb and removed from it all. My guy told me that since I was not his mom - he felt no compulsion to wish me a happy mom's day - get me a card or anything. Not surprising since he does very little for his own mom, but we had this same conversation last year and it is a universal rule that you wish those around you a happy mom's day. It is not that crazy. The other thing I watched this comedian rail against mothers feeling the need to pat themselves on the back all the time. It was funny but maybe it was just the wrong day for me. I struggle with feeling valuable and worth it and ironically the day that is supposed to be a celebration to make me feel assured of my value, left me feeling needy and a bit sad. Funny most holidays end up feeling that way for me but yet I can still not keep hoping each one will be better.
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