My life has changed so many times in so many directions over the years. Driving around in an area this weekend where I used to live conjured up memories and thoughts that had really just been discarded but were tickled by the proximity. Sometimes when I look back I shiver and wish I could forget everything or that it had never happened. Other times I feels like it was someone else who lived that life as I have radically shifted from the person I was before. Today I am dipping back into a past life to see an old co-worker and perhaps run into people I worked with year ago, followed by dinner with a close friend who is moving away for her own new adventure.
I have never been one for being over sentimental as I have lost so many things in my life and become a bit numb to it all. I have changed and reinvented myself to the point where I barely recognize myself in old memories and even now sometimes see myself and wonder who I have become. I accepted a long time ago the transient nature of things, people, emotion and circumstance and although I am not devoid of emotion - I have an ability to recover, let go, move on. When I was younger I used to think this was a defect, a gap in my emotional DNA, however as I grew older I understood it as the defense mechanism - the psychological trickery I would play on myself. I have questioned to the value of this defense in these days where I am no longer in true crisis, but I have come to realize that it is a deep mark on my person that may soften but never disappear.
My friend is leaving town and although our interaction has never been typical or representative of close friends she has outlasted anyone in my life in years of voluntary service. With her I have shared and suffered, she has watch me metamorphosis into someone successful, happy, and yet still remain the me that loves to struggle and be tormented. She judged, criticized, supported and left me alone and through all these years I always knew she was there. I have no idea if I have brought her anything other than interesting stories and a view into a crazy life but it seems to have worked ok for us. Another evolution, another life turn.
My friend is leaving town and although our interaction has never been typical or representative of close friends she has outlasted anyone in my life in years of voluntary service. With her I have shared and suffered, she has watch me metamorphosis into someone successful, happy, and yet still remain the me that loves to struggle and be tormented. She judged, criticized, supported and left me alone and through all these years I always knew she was there. I have no idea if I have brought her anything other than interesting stories and a view into a crazy life but it seems to have worked ok for us. Another evolution, another life turn.
are you kidding? i'm proud and lucky to count you among my friends. i've always looked up to you as someone with ridiculous insight into people; as someone who has such strength, despite all the things that has happened in your life. you're like that fleetwood mac song -- "been down one time. been down two times. i'm never going back again."
ReplyDelete... and even though you often seem to hate this part of yourself, as someone who enjoys and pursues pleasure in life - in food, wine, experiences.
and also, you have interesting stories and a crazy life. :)
so yes, i am better for having known you. thanks for being you the past 7 years and the future however many years -- whether we actually make any effort to stay in touch.