the joy of things

The race this weekend went actually fairly well and not from a physical kicked ass perspective but I enjoyed to race and knew I had done my best.  The funny thing is that to me races are really by far the best part of running and almost make the training worth it.   It is hard to remember the reason I like racing when I have many more miles to go and my body has already shut down and wants to quit.  This weekend I was able to not feel completely destroyed at the end so I was able to hold on to the joy and have a good time.  Why do I like races?  It is just an amazing experience to be a part of such an insanely diverse group that are kind and friendly with one another as we all struggle to do our best - whatever that may be.  I see much heavier people that I know people would make fun of and think they had no reason to be out there nimbly pass me and keep up an impressive pace. I see much older and younger people just fly past me and kick my ass. I am impressed and admire everyone that comes out and tries to accomplish such a feat and for me that invokes a wave of joy.

There was this mom and her teenage daughter that for awhile I was yo-yo'ing with back and forth with- ahead then behind - and eventually they pulled out in front of me and I lost sight of them at one of the bigger hills.  The mother was encouraging and the daughter was struggling but not complaining and they forged ahead.  In the final miles there was a loop  and I manage to spot them coming back as I ran in, the daughter and I caught eyes and both smiled.  It was more than just a smile you post on your face but a connection because we knew where each other had been and we were almost done.  I have noticed that when I am connected to what I am doing and am experiencing that joy, I connect with people through a smile or a glance that lingers and feels as if we share so much in that moment of time.  I have always been a bit overwhelmed by people (especially large crowds) and often prefer solitude as it feels more like my natural state.  The beauty of a race is all those people out there all sharing a common experience but still remaining completely alone.   

I have been thinking a lot about what I write about and the redundancy of my thought patterns.  I looked back at journals from years ago and the are filled with the same mantra that I have in here.  I only focus on my weight, my desire to get in shape and then my desire to have some deeper meaning in my life.   I have tried and done many activities and things in my life but nothing "sticks' or I just discard them rather than appreciating them.  I want my mind to have space to think about something other than diet and exercise and somehow with this latest commitment I am starting to feel some of the knots untangle and wonder what else I will wonder about.?   Is it just taking up a new hobby or just trying new things?  Is it a commitment to something and watching it develop?  I know that I want a creative side of me to balance the physical work but I am not sure yet how to bring that into my life.   Same old pondering but maybe a new answer?