the voices

Have you ever experienced a moment in time that was by all definition fun and enjoyable but instead a darkness of regret and disappointment lurked and swirled around creating an uncomfortable edge tainting every breath?  In some ways it is a strange progression because before without blinking an eye I would abandon my plans and only in the late hours when I should be sleeping the waves of regret would hit and jolt me into anxious state of awakened distress. In the end, I continue to suffer from the brutality of self recrimination for failing to make the right choices. Combing through inspirational videos and motivational quotes the theme is clear to "Just do it" or to "Make the right choice".   This morning I read a post of Tony Horton's Closet Garbage Eater and followed by the Warhawk Matt Scott in Nike "No Excuses" Commercial and I feel like someone kicked me in the butt.

I play with the idea of taking this all serious and being committed to my health, a good diet, good exercise plan.  I want to have PR runs, finish (survive) my triathlon, and I want to look well fit.  I have 20 pounds I would still like to lose - well maybe 15 but then there is the toning and muscles I would like to see.  Yet I do not cook veggies, I flinch on my exercise plan at the slightest cloud or raindrop.   I know that I am inherently lazy and would rather be sitting on the couch under the blanket than out running, biking, drowning (swimming).  I struggle with the energy drive and the emotional want to sustain to be that superwoman.  It is that voice - the tired, lame, lazy, broken voice that drives me into the ground.  The athlete voice has never been in my head so it is barely a whisper.   I need to decide how grow and strengthen my other voices.  Although maybe first I really need to decide and understand what voice I want leading the charge.  I may not be the superwoman that I have imagined in my head and yet I may have a little more energy than I believe.  I think I am just going to blame it on the weather.

I am going to a Pema Chodron workshop this weekend and I am looking forward to having some time to sit with myself.  There is an interesting tension that I have been thinking about recently about my drive and fight to get what I want and reach my achievements and a gentle kindness towards myself.  "Learn to value yourself, which means: to fight for you happiness."  Ayn Rand.  "We can drop the fundamental hope that three is a better "me" who one day will emerge.  We can't just jump over ourselves as if we are not there"  Pema Chodron   Meditation is difficult for only one reason - you have to sit with yourself and hear the thoughts that normally roll in the background without notice.  It will not be an easy weekend but I am looking forward to having a the time to focus and take a moment to gather some perspective.