I got the first installment of my tattoo last night.  I feel a little unsure this morning - one of my friends reactions about how big it was and just feeling like a woman in midlife crisis or something.  However, it is one my side somewhere few will see - so it is not all in your face - and I think it is actually very pretty.  People at work knew I was getting one and I think it kind of surprised them as I am not sure I seem like the type.  I have been trying to figure out why I would get a new tattoo and what "value" does it bring and  I realized it is completely superfluous but I still went through the effort, pain and expense.  I cannot really say why.  I also know that I will noodle away at another design and probably get another one some day.  It is just something that some how fits me - even though it does not.  I wonder what it says about me that even I have not yet figured out.

Yesterday had a few highs and lows for me.  I woke up and felt really good in the morning about yoga, meditation and my future goals.  Perhaps the writing inspired me to have some faith and conviction on my goals but as I read the yoga journal I felt a little "at home".  I realized that if I really wanted to reach my goals that I would have to make a commitment to the lifestyle of health and exercise more so than straddling the line and like the old days it seemed very natural and easy to make that commitment.  Come lunch the choices I made were good, chicken and no beer and I split a tiny brownie square - but maybe that was the beginning of the downfall.  I find it awkward to be in large groups and people I work with as I am social but not comfortable with it really.  I try to make conversation but really I would rather not be there and I tend to withdraw and never really settle down.  When someone asked me about my marathon another guy piped in and asked me my time and without a breath said wow that is really slow.  It crushed me but I know he is right.  I should not be so proud of myself for the time because as he said - well looking at it from a runners perspective that is really slow.  I thought about that as I went to a near by bar and had a few drinks while I waited for the time for my tattoo appointment.   I didn't feel defeated as much as I just felt lost and uncertain.

Someday I would really like to gather strength and be built up with the potential improvements, appreciate the dedication and celebrate how far I have come rather than feel so uncomfortable with who and where I am.  However what I would really like is to just be better - not so fat, not so slow, and that every training step would not so hard for me.  I want to be like some of my friends that are superwomen both personally and professionally.   They have families, jobs and amazing physical condition.  They would never sit in a bar and drink and bemoan ...I guess that is just an added feature of complexity for me.