paying attention...for only a moment.

I had the box of cereal on the kitchen counter and then caught myself - I am home.  I have time.  Why default to the easy, boring and unsatisfying? I rethought it and took down my steel oats and began making some oatmeal and pulled out the juicer.   Beets and carrots greens and all, some ginger and apples to make a delicious glass of fresh juice.   Oatmeal finished in about 20 minutes, added some flax seeds and honey I bought from a local beekeeper.  My breakfast was flavorful, satisfying and took only about 30 minutes and yet I was moments away from mindless quick eating of cereal.   It made me realize how often I make choices and decisions on the fly with no thought or even clarity into what I am doing or why.

In my Shambhala class we are learning from Turning the Mind into an Ally.    Mindfulness is paying attention, holding to an object idea where Awareness is knowing what you are doing right at that moment or better each moment.   We are talking about how Mindfulness has three qualities:  Familiarity, Remembering and Non Distraction.  We need to know what we are trying to do, remember how to come back to this state and settle into it and not be squirming away with every breath.  I had the opportunity to become aware for a moment of this and work towards mindfulness for something as simple as eating.  How often in my life I am making decisions based on familiarity and habits?  All the time!

There was a study where someone's left brain and right brain suffered a lesion when the right brain was asked to close the door and did the left brain unaware of the request created a reason why they shut the door.  The mind created a story line to make sense of the activity - the mind invented a reason for the behavior.  My father always told me you could justify any behavior you wanted with logic, if it was what you wanted to do.  I have struggled my whole life with this concept.  How do you know what is real and how do I stay mindful of my life, my actions, and activities?  Is my motivation for my behaviors absent or because I have a whole story line created around why I want/need to do something, or do I really at the core of my being want to do it?  I am afraid of this whole line of thinking because I use this as an excuse not to be committed and to remain wishy washy on everything.  It all seems so overwhelming, the possibilities and the potential - it is easier to hide that risk, it is easier not to believe than believe, it is easier not to do than do.  Yet I keep coming back, I keep struggling forward, as I want to untangle myself.  Untangle myself from what though?

forcing myself to write this

I am not sure why I have such a fear of writing.  I think about it but instead of writing read Google+, Reddit or Facebook - anything not to start writing.   I am overloaded with things to think about, things I want to do and experience, and rather than chipping away at the list I avoid the things I think I want.   I want to start writing poetry again and I was playing with it a little this week and then it just evaporated and discarded.   I think about playing the piano or trying to learn the guitar again but it never leaves the thinking stage and feels like a million miles away from me.  Time disappears so quickly and before I know it the week is starting or ending and I have only thought about the things I want to do.  

I feel like I lose track of myself and escape into the quick, easy, and uncommitted tasks of browsing other peoples thought and ideas.  I observe others and yearn to be as creative and inventive but stay removed wanting without action.  I am actually wondering if I have lost the basic skill of staying focused and dedicating myself to one activity.  Even as I write this I feel my mind bouncing around like a ping pong ball on different topics, my email,  wondering about facebook, what should I do today.  I have developed strong context switching skills, rewarded at work and life for them, and it has become my natural state to bounce around.  I wonder if the mental muscle that is supposed to keep you focused still exists?

I think about creativity, being creative, creating, and admiring those who are creative all the time.  I think about that so much that I never try to create anything on my own.  It is the same as admiring all those physically fit folks and wishing I could be like them - without ever working out.   Where does time come from?  Where does it go?  How could I be this person in my head - working out, being creative, and still living and functioning in my life.  I waste an enormous amount of time doing nothing but my days feel full and I don't know where the room comes from.  There are those two questions that still linger in my head with no answer: 1) What do you really want to get out of life? 2) What can you offer the world that no one else can.  Maybe without a focus, an answer to the basics, it is difficult to provide focus, priority and a plan to make it happen.

In my Shambhala class this week, someone described the mind as a sixth sense - like seeing and hearing.  If you payed attention to every noise or sight you saw you would go crazy as it would be too much to take in and it would not be clear what was important.  We have learned to listen and see what matters at that moment and everything else we are able to let go of without even noticing.   We need to teach the mind the same capabilities - to filter the story lines and emotions that are irrelevant and just bring it back to what matters - which is just what is happening - really happening - right now.  Why is it so hard to do such a simple thing?  I guess the mind has been untamed for so long it no longer has the ability to filter or judge leaving us susceptible to the voices that are so loud and distracting.

a repressed artist's thoughts

I had a fabulous weekend in many ways and some how I found some space for my mind to think through so things that have been rolling around but not making much progress.  I only wish that I could write as fluidly and expansively as the thoughts in my head.  I almost dread forcing it down into linear words on a page.   However I also find there is something almost freeing about writing down thoughts that are just bouncing around in my head until they lose momentum and become lifeless.  I have several topics that I will not get out today but I want to claim them as thing that I want to write about this week.  Creativity, meditation and faith are the things that kept rolling around this weekend and I want to approach them in that order as the last - faith - is the hardest for me to speak to.

One of my skills in life is to be able to put things together with some relative ease.  It is like the thing I am trying or want to do is a puzzle and I see all the pieces and just need to get them together in the right order.  The pieces can be thrown down at any time and in most circumstances and I can quickly put together enough to get a good picture of what needs, could, might be done. I am a world class problem solver.  It is a huge advantage to the specific work that I do but it is also very useful in my every day life.  It helps me be a good explorer and adventurer as it does not feel difficult to put together a plan on the fly.  Perhaps it is my own flexibility and acceptance of whatever happens but in the end the plan comes together and makes for great memories.

The place where I struggle and fall short is creating something new rather than putting the pieces together.  If I am not trying to solve a problem but create a brand new thing free of an already existing construct without an immediate need or value I am overwhelmed.  The expansive openness is a struggle for me as often the blank page is for writing and I am never sure where to start.    I feel this most when I go and listen to musicians (great or not) as I have such envy for their ability to take a construct like the musical scale and language and turn it into something brand new.  I wonder if artists ever look at it like it as trying to solve a problem of putting the pieces together to express their ideas.  The idea of writing a new song, a poem or even a book terrifies me as it seems like it would be impossible because I struggle with what is the point, what is the problem I am trying to solve.  I am scared away by the idea that I can define what matters and what is important.

Creativity is frightening because it is laden with emotional triggers and judgement for me.   The irony I guess in this is that I am creative in ways I am comfortable with but they are non-traditional, internal and do not publicly consumable.  If my success plan at work is not working, I readjust and that is what good problem solving requires creativity to think outside of the box.  If my adventure hits a road bump or some thing is going wrong I am able to come up with new ideas then change and adjust quickly and recover.  The difference is that I have not stood up and claimed it as important or interesting and presented it to the world to judge.  I am never claiming it as mine and asking the world to listen.

Do all artists considered it with this level of gravity or maybe they believe in their art (and themselves?) enough that they are not caught up in the judgement and correctness of their viewpoint.  I have not yet had the courage and the belief in myself to put myself out there and in the end, I am not sure I have something valuable to share with the world. I have more of a nagging want and curiosity than what I think artist needs: confidence, drive to share, and a passion to create.  If you think of how many artist are depressed, suicidal, alcoholics, and generally struggling with life I wonder if the drive and passion is overwhelming or the vulnerability of putting yourself out there or just maybe creativity comes at a price to some.  

I wonder why there is such allure to create rather than just enjoying and incorporating it as part of my life. It is interesting as I think about it there are many ways to be creative - chef, painter, sculptor, architect, landscape artist, photographer and the list goes on however it is words and music that pull me to cling to the desire to "be creative".  I love music, poetry, and books - perhaps it is not necessary to be an originator but just a spectator and yet there is some strong emotional pull to try.  I used to write stories, poems, songs in my head when I was young and a coping mechanism to deal with teenage angst.  Now the energy has been refocused to running a house, the kids, the job, the dogs and most likely the thing I consider my real skill - problem solving.  As I find space in my mind and my life, I find myself hankering for a little space to find that voice again or maybe for the first time, if I can just turn down the judgement and all the questions about is it important or right.

lessons learned

My oldest son when he was going through high school was impossible to deal with and on a weekly basis I found myself frustrated and exacerbated with him.  We had never had an antagonistic relationship before high school, in fact, I had always felt we had fun as a family together.   He went off to college a few years ago and eventually returned home to go to school closer by and now lives with me once again.   I realized this week that I am incredibly fortunate to have had this time again with him.  

I have to fortune to have a real relationship with my son.  He shows thing to me about myself that I would never have seen otherwise and I am just overwhelmed with the joy of seeing him growing up to be such a competent, capable, thoughtful, thinking man.  We hardly see each other - a moment her and there - but we manage to laugh, share, and get to know each other as humans.  A true blessing.

As I look at my youngest who is in high school, I miss seeing the goofy child he used to show me.  I bet others get to see that side of him now, but as his parent I am denied getting to know the adult he is becoming.  He has a different personality and I am not sure I will ever get the chance I have had with my oldest, but I hope some how we find our way back.

The most magical thing I have done is scan all my pictures of the boys, my life, all our experiences and have them as a screen saver on my TV.  Flashing our lives by as we live today.  I look up and get a glimpse of them at all ages with smiles on their faces.  A reminder of a some glorious times.

I am lucky, proud and full of love to have my children in my life.  Don't get me wrong, it has not been perfect and there have been years where I have longed to be a real part of their life.   However, lately with help of my oldest, I have hope that it does in fact swing back around.

Facing the boogy man

Yesterday I tackled the stack of things I have been putting off for way too long.  It was scary things like IRS big money issues all the way to tiny things like filling out my son's school paperwork.  It had built up over time and between fear of the money I owe and working through all the information I have to collect it just felt like it would be impossible.   Funny thing is it took less than an hour to do (although still have to wait for the IRS noose to tighten) and I felt better at freeing my backlog.  It allowed me even catch up on things today that were not even close to being in the queue of things to do and I responded to some old emails, called on some things and scheduled some appointments.   Dare I say for this moment I almost have caught up.

However this summer has been one of the most difficult in a while but different difficult than I have had before in my life.  In the past I have been poor, unhealthy, struggling and  made it through all of those challenges - not easily but survived.  It is no longer about the basics and just trying to survive and it seems like I have leveled up my stress, fears and anxiety.  I screwed up my taxes and have to pay the IRS back, my gallbladder gave because I am older and eating too much crap (I guess), both of my sons of have been having troubles that are part bad luck and part bad decisions.  My job is great as far as the people and product but there is more to do than I can manage on my own.  Everywhere I turn I feel like there is more needed than I can provide and I am terrified of when I run out of steam.  What will happen when there is more than I can do?

I can not say that I have really enjoyed this year.  I feel I have lost some of myself to something and I am not sure what it is.  I can not say this year has been horrible either as I have had everything I really wanted a new job, a steady love, basically happy healthy boys and the ability to provide for them.  Never before would I have survived this year without the things I had built up. Things are not really worse or terrible but it has just been hard.  Why do I feel this year has been so difficult?  The pain? The stress? The lack of progress in any direction?  I used to say I need to figure out who I want to be when I grow up and by that I really meant work and never much about me.  As the boys wander out on their own and the time is more mine it has brought that more to light and I have begun to think I do not pay nearly enough attention to making sure my today gets me to a better tomorrow?

How am I supposed to heal if I can't...feel time?

I have dropped off writing and I think it is the mere fear of being so redundant with the same gibberish month over  month.   Even I am tired of thinking about it over and over again so writing it just seems like unnecessary punishment.   I am back in my cycle of health. After letting myself complete revert back both in weight and in cardio health I am back at square one.  Maybe even further back as I can barely run 2 miles without having to stop and my heart rate shoots up even when going slow.  I am working on the mental goading as it is hard to be in such terrible shape after being in good shape not 2-3 months ago.

I have consistently complained about my body doing this reversion when I stop exercising but this time I am not without a great deal of the blame.  Yes I do not have one of those metabolisms and physical health that can ride through the times regardless of my actions but I also ate and drank as if I wanted to be obese. My mental state had become so fragmented that I just abandoned all and went for the numbing through food and alcohol.  I actually think i had worn out my taste buds on white wine due to my massive consumption. All this culminated into a version of me that was unable to sleep, drinking and eating too much (and all the wrong things) hiding from dissatisfaction about myself.  I thought I would love being an athlete and working out and getting in shape and maybe because I never really got through the hurdles of myself, I began to loath every morning thinking of the work I needed to do and the lack of capability I had to do it.  I never ran very fast, never ride my bike very far...never quite made it to healthy and comfortable.

Is that because of the way I eat?  Is it my natural genetics?  Is it my thyroid?  Why after working so hard for so many months was it still such a struggle for the basics?   I wanted more. I wanted different.  More than that though...I wanted myself back.  All that focus on exercise and I had given up most things I love. I had not done a single thing all summer - maybe all year - that is recognizable as things I love to do.   I had not been reading, traveling, or exploring.   I have felt shut off from the things that I generally like about myself.  Instead it was day in and day out of not being good enough, struggling through the workouts and only small joys.   I think I might be rewriting history a little but either way this time around I am looking for balance.  I want to be in shape and fit and I want to have time for the things that nourish my soul.  Why is balance so hard to find?  

Day 1 after being MIA for a long time

It has been so long I am a little intimidated to post.   I dread starting up the same usual discussion and yet I am aware that I have grown very little over the last few months.   I can do a recap of myself since May - it is not pretty but it is real.  I started having terrible stomach aches and sour stomachs in May, not just upset but doubled over, nausea, and gas. It left me truly uncomfortable and fairly immobilized.  If I had changed my diet and limited my alcohol, perhaps I would have felt some relief and maybe not have gone through the last few months or maybe it was just the path I was going no matter what at that point.  In addition to the pain,  I had been exercising every day and was beginning to get seriously burnt out on always feeling inadequate and not good enough.  The more we did and the harder we pushed the more discouraged I felt.

From the time the first hospital emergency room event where I was told I had a gallstone until the surgery where they removed my gallbladder, I felt horrible pretty much every moment of every day.  It was a very high dose of pain like a sword stuck through my chest and I tried to medicate by no movement, alcohol and comfort food.  I managed to gain 8 pounds and lose all sense of athletic fitness.  My body is one of those bodies that the minute you stop working out - you are back to square one starting over with every step being difficult and slow.

It is discouraging to start fresh every time but I guess I just have to acknowledge that this is how my body reacts when I stop and have the courage to have day 1 over and over again as things happen in my life.  I think the other thing I am starting to wonder is do I really have it in me to be a real athlete.  The schedule is really hard on me and wipes me out completely.  I have a pretty stressful job and I guess I just have a body that is not designed to be one of these people that exercise two times a day and do miles and miles of exercise.  Is it me bagging out and giving up or is there a chance that my body is really does not adapt to the hard core routines?

There was a point this Spring where I did feel good and then slowly I just felt more tired and discouraged as I did not really improve.  I cannot help but wonder how much is it diet, mental or just my physical constitution?  As I start over again I dread the full calendar of exercise and am struggling to feel motivated.  I do believe the exercise helps my weight, my stress and ultimately gives me more energy but  I have not found the right place for me.  I know I have two big issues that impact my success.  My diet is pure shit.  I go from eating nothing to eating and drinking everything.   I have no sense of food as fuel and I continue to think and not change my diet.   The second is the constant berating of myself that I am not good enough and how awful I am.  It wears on a person.  I do not want this to be day 1 of another cycle like that and yet if I do not do something different.  It will be.  I am just not sure how to do it differently this time.