Yesterday I tackled the stack of things I have been putting off for way too long. It was scary things like IRS big money issues all the way to tiny things like filling out my son's school paperwork. It had built up over time and between fear of the money I owe and working through all the information I have to collect it just felt like it would be impossible. Funny thing is it took less than an hour to do (although still have to wait for the IRS noose to tighten) and I felt better at freeing my backlog. It allowed me even catch up on things today that were not even close to being in the queue of things to do and I responded to some old emails, called on some things and scheduled some appointments. Dare I say for this moment I almost have caught up.
However this summer has been one of the most difficult in a while but different difficult than I have had before in my life. In the past I have been poor, unhealthy, struggling and made it through all of those challenges - not easily but survived. It is no longer about the basics and just trying to survive and it seems like I have leveled up my stress, fears and anxiety. I screwed up my taxes and have to pay the IRS back, my gallbladder gave because I am older and eating too much crap (I guess), both of my sons of have been having troubles that are part bad luck and part bad decisions. My job is great as far as the people and product but there is more to do than I can manage on my own. Everywhere I turn I feel like there is more needed than I can provide and I am terrified of when I run out of steam. What will happen when there is more than I can do?
I can not say that I have really enjoyed this year. I feel I have lost some of myself to something and I am not sure what it is. I can not say this year has been horrible either as I have had everything I really wanted a new job, a steady love, basically happy healthy boys and the ability to provide for them. Never before would I have survived this year without the things I had built up. Things are not really worse or terrible but it has just been hard. Why do I feel this year has been so difficult? The pain? The stress? The lack of progress in any direction? I used to say I need to figure out who I want to be when I grow up and by that I really meant work and never much about me. As the boys wander out on their own and the time is more mine it has brought that more to light and I have begun to think I do not pay nearly enough attention to making sure my today gets me to a better tomorrow?
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