a repressed artist's thoughts

I had a fabulous weekend in many ways and some how I found some space for my mind to think through so things that have been rolling around but not making much progress.  I only wish that I could write as fluidly and expansively as the thoughts in my head.  I almost dread forcing it down into linear words on a page.   However I also find there is something almost freeing about writing down thoughts that are just bouncing around in my head until they lose momentum and become lifeless.  I have several topics that I will not get out today but I want to claim them as thing that I want to write about this week.  Creativity, meditation and faith are the things that kept rolling around this weekend and I want to approach them in that order as the last - faith - is the hardest for me to speak to.

One of my skills in life is to be able to put things together with some relative ease.  It is like the thing I am trying or want to do is a puzzle and I see all the pieces and just need to get them together in the right order.  The pieces can be thrown down at any time and in most circumstances and I can quickly put together enough to get a good picture of what needs, could, might be done. I am a world class problem solver.  It is a huge advantage to the specific work that I do but it is also very useful in my every day life.  It helps me be a good explorer and adventurer as it does not feel difficult to put together a plan on the fly.  Perhaps it is my own flexibility and acceptance of whatever happens but in the end the plan comes together and makes for great memories.

The place where I struggle and fall short is creating something new rather than putting the pieces together.  If I am not trying to solve a problem but create a brand new thing free of an already existing construct without an immediate need or value I am overwhelmed.  The expansive openness is a struggle for me as often the blank page is for writing and I am never sure where to start.    I feel this most when I go and listen to musicians (great or not) as I have such envy for their ability to take a construct like the musical scale and language and turn it into something brand new.  I wonder if artists ever look at it like it as trying to solve a problem of putting the pieces together to express their ideas.  The idea of writing a new song, a poem or even a book terrifies me as it seems like it would be impossible because I struggle with what is the point, what is the problem I am trying to solve.  I am scared away by the idea that I can define what matters and what is important.

Creativity is frightening because it is laden with emotional triggers and judgement for me.   The irony I guess in this is that I am creative in ways I am comfortable with but they are non-traditional, internal and do not publicly consumable.  If my success plan at work is not working, I readjust and that is what good problem solving requires creativity to think outside of the box.  If my adventure hits a road bump or some thing is going wrong I am able to come up with new ideas then change and adjust quickly and recover.  The difference is that I have not stood up and claimed it as important or interesting and presented it to the world to judge.  I am never claiming it as mine and asking the world to listen.

Do all artists considered it with this level of gravity or maybe they believe in their art (and themselves?) enough that they are not caught up in the judgement and correctness of their viewpoint.  I have not yet had the courage and the belief in myself to put myself out there and in the end, I am not sure I have something valuable to share with the world. I have more of a nagging want and curiosity than what I think artist needs: confidence, drive to share, and a passion to create.  If you think of how many artist are depressed, suicidal, alcoholics, and generally struggling with life I wonder if the drive and passion is overwhelming or the vulnerability of putting yourself out there or just maybe creativity comes at a price to some.  

I wonder why there is such allure to create rather than just enjoying and incorporating it as part of my life. It is interesting as I think about it there are many ways to be creative - chef, painter, sculptor, architect, landscape artist, photographer and the list goes on however it is words and music that pull me to cling to the desire to "be creative".  I love music, poetry, and books - perhaps it is not necessary to be an originator but just a spectator and yet there is some strong emotional pull to try.  I used to write stories, poems, songs in my head when I was young and a coping mechanism to deal with teenage angst.  Now the energy has been refocused to running a house, the kids, the job, the dogs and most likely the thing I consider my real skill - problem solving.  As I find space in my mind and my life, I find myself hankering for a little space to find that voice again or maybe for the first time, if I can just turn down the judgement and all the questions about is it important or right.