forcing myself to write this

I am not sure why I have such a fear of writing.  I think about it but instead of writing read Google+, Reddit or Facebook - anything not to start writing.   I am overloaded with things to think about, things I want to do and experience, and rather than chipping away at the list I avoid the things I think I want.   I want to start writing poetry again and I was playing with it a little this week and then it just evaporated and discarded.   I think about playing the piano or trying to learn the guitar again but it never leaves the thinking stage and feels like a million miles away from me.  Time disappears so quickly and before I know it the week is starting or ending and I have only thought about the things I want to do.  

I feel like I lose track of myself and escape into the quick, easy, and uncommitted tasks of browsing other peoples thought and ideas.  I observe others and yearn to be as creative and inventive but stay removed wanting without action.  I am actually wondering if I have lost the basic skill of staying focused and dedicating myself to one activity.  Even as I write this I feel my mind bouncing around like a ping pong ball on different topics, my email,  wondering about facebook, what should I do today.  I have developed strong context switching skills, rewarded at work and life for them, and it has become my natural state to bounce around.  I wonder if the mental muscle that is supposed to keep you focused still exists?

I think about creativity, being creative, creating, and admiring those who are creative all the time.  I think about that so much that I never try to create anything on my own.  It is the same as admiring all those physically fit folks and wishing I could be like them - without ever working out.   Where does time come from?  Where does it go?  How could I be this person in my head - working out, being creative, and still living and functioning in my life.  I waste an enormous amount of time doing nothing but my days feel full and I don't know where the room comes from.  There are those two questions that still linger in my head with no answer: 1) What do you really want to get out of life? 2) What can you offer the world that no one else can.  Maybe without a focus, an answer to the basics, it is difficult to provide focus, priority and a plan to make it happen.

In my Shambhala class this week, someone described the mind as a sixth sense - like seeing and hearing.  If you payed attention to every noise or sight you saw you would go crazy as it would be too much to take in and it would not be clear what was important.  We have learned to listen and see what matters at that moment and everything else we are able to let go of without even noticing.   We need to teach the mind the same capabilities - to filter the story lines and emotions that are irrelevant and just bring it back to what matters - which is just what is happening - really happening - right now.  Why is it so hard to do such a simple thing?  I guess the mind has been untamed for so long it no longer has the ability to filter or judge leaving us susceptible to the voices that are so loud and distracting.