I have dropped off writing and I think it is the mere fear of being so redundant with the same gibberish month over month. Even I am tired of thinking about it over and over again so writing it just seems like unnecessary punishment. I am back in my cycle of health. After letting myself complete revert back both in weight and in cardio health I am back at square one. Maybe even further back as I can barely run 2 miles without having to stop and my heart rate shoots up even when going slow. I am working on the mental goading as it is hard to be in such terrible shape after being in good shape not 2-3 months ago.
I have consistently complained about my body doing this reversion when I stop exercising but this time I am not without a great deal of the blame. Yes I do not have one of those metabolisms and physical health that can ride through the times regardless of my actions but I also ate and drank as if I wanted to be obese. My mental state had become so fragmented that I just abandoned all and went for the numbing through food and alcohol. I actually think i had worn out my taste buds on white wine due to my massive consumption. All this culminated into a version of me that was unable to sleep, drinking and eating too much (and all the wrong things) hiding from dissatisfaction about myself. I thought I would love being an athlete and working out and getting in shape and maybe because I never really got through the hurdles of myself, I began to loath every morning thinking of the work I needed to do and the lack of capability I had to do it. I never ran very fast, never ride my bike very far...never quite made it to healthy and comfortable.
Is that because of the way I eat? Is it my natural genetics? Is it my thyroid? Why after working so hard for so many months was it still such a struggle for the basics? I wanted more. I wanted different. More than that though...I wanted myself back. All that focus on exercise and I had given up most things I love. I had not done a single thing all summer - maybe all year - that is recognizable as things I love to do. I had not been reading, traveling, or exploring. I have felt shut off from the things that I generally like about myself. Instead it was day in and day out of not being good enough, struggling through the workouts and only small joys. I think I might be rewriting history a little but either way this time around I am looking for balance. I want to be in shape and fit and I want to have time for the things that nourish my soul. Why is balance so hard to find?
I have consistently complained about my body doing this reversion when I stop exercising but this time I am not without a great deal of the blame. Yes I do not have one of those metabolisms and physical health that can ride through the times regardless of my actions but I also ate and drank as if I wanted to be obese. My mental state had become so fragmented that I just abandoned all and went for the numbing through food and alcohol. I actually think i had worn out my taste buds on white wine due to my massive consumption. All this culminated into a version of me that was unable to sleep, drinking and eating too much (and all the wrong things) hiding from dissatisfaction about myself. I thought I would love being an athlete and working out and getting in shape and maybe because I never really got through the hurdles of myself, I began to loath every morning thinking of the work I needed to do and the lack of capability I had to do it. I never ran very fast, never ride my bike very far...never quite made it to healthy and comfortable.
Is that because of the way I eat? Is it my natural genetics? Is it my thyroid? Why after working so hard for so many months was it still such a struggle for the basics? I wanted more. I wanted different. More than that though...I wanted myself back. All that focus on exercise and I had given up most things I love. I had not done a single thing all summer - maybe all year - that is recognizable as things I love to do. I had not been reading, traveling, or exploring. I have felt shut off from the things that I generally like about myself. Instead it was day in and day out of not being good enough, struggling through the workouts and only small joys. I think I might be rewriting history a little but either way this time around I am looking for balance. I want to be in shape and fit and I want to have time for the things that nourish my soul. Why is balance so hard to find? 
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