Do not be part of the problem, be the solution

Where have I been? I am not even sure myself.  I haven't been writing, reading, cooking, exploring, laughing or any of the things that I know of myself.  Instead I have been sick, in pain, struggling, stressed, lost, and defeated for the last month or so - maybe longer.  I have finally caught wind of one of my most destructive cycles that I continue to fight for my whole life but has created mass destruction to my very being.  I have been goal driven my whole life as a way to get beyond my fear, beyond my limitations to be successful and drive toward a better me.  I have always have goals that have taken me to my limits and beyond and have thought that is what makes me who I am.

However the slippery slope and trap I set for myself is that I never celebrate my successes. It is more than that though as it is not only that I do not celebrate them, but I often do not even acknowledge them.  I feel good for an instant after a victory and then immediately upgrade my goals and get down on myself about thinking about being excited about the  minimal success I just accomplished.  I berate myself for not being better and why that was a poor goal to start. It creates an environment where I have to work harder and harder until I literally break down and cannot take it any more. There is no relief, no safety and just more failure even in the face of success. Eventually I break and run, hide and disappear from everyone and everything and berate myself for my failure. I stay locked away only to get tired of my state and start all over again thinking THIS time I will break free and be successful.     


The lack of ability to celebrate myself and my victories degrades my entire life enjoyment.  The inability to stop pushing, the need to continue to work harder is down right soul exhausting.  I never achieve a base of health, fitness, eating habits, meditation practice because everything I do is just not good enough, not enough for me and worse I think the whole world looks at me as a failure and a loser.  I assume they realize that I am incompetent and struggle to understand why I do not improve.  Because my criteria for success is always changing and moving I never value to progress I make or the challenges I have overcome.  I always feel three steps behind everyone else, embarrassed and humiliated that I am so inept.

I miss enjoying things and laughing at life and hell even myself.  I hate how I feel like I am on a death march just waiting for it to all be over with no real hope of feeling like I was ever a success. I have done so much in my life to be proud of yet at the end of most days I am in tears for the fact that I feel like such a failure at every turn.  Craziest part - this is all me as no one in my life now feeds this or supports this self-destruction.  In fact, I am surrounded by nothing but love and support for who I am and what I do, but I cannot accept it or adopt it.  I could blame my childhood and the fact my parents did not love me but lets be real, I am too old to not have stopped this by now.  Somewhere winner, loser, trying quitting, success, failure, and self-esteem all got mislabeled and misunderstood in my brain.  Time to fucking rewire people.

I am not sure why I have nothing to say, maybe it is that I am just trying to focus on the day to day and everything else just does not have room to thrive.  I am not sure what it is but I am seem to be unable to come up with any topic that is worthy of writing down and capturing.

I have a stream of thoughts - fear about the triathlon and failure and then at the same time encouragement about this is my first triathlon and I just have to try to do as good as I can and get better.  My first race I was last and now I am not last.   Such feelings of inadequacy when I see other people, and yet I know overall my life is doing quite well.  I am trying to take more financial management - first time really in a long time - and keep myself out of debt.  I hate some of the choices I have to make because of it but prefer it to the debt I managed to get myself into.  I am struggling with my diet and choices of foods, my desire to drink when it causes my stomach such turmoil.  I am trying to stick with my meditation and exploration into Shambhala ....all the while my work is gearing up to demand more and more.

The year of no fear is really going well.  I am riding bikes, swimming in lakes, rode my motorcycle to work, and have a real chance at some of my goals.  Yet somewhere there is an emptiness, a numbness to it all...what does it really mean?  What is really the point?  What I am hoping to accomplish?    If this moment and the next are all I have - am I spending them the right way.  Do my goals matter?  Sometimes it would be easier I think to support a doctrine that answers all the questions for you and have faith guide you through.  The free falling through life can be a bit overwhelming at times.

the struggle continues

I could write about the challenges I have been fighting.  They are the same old fights of now desires, laziness and avoidance rather than standing tall and making the more difficult choices that in the end result in a happier me.  I have walked away from the habits I was trying to build that would drive me towards that person and sank into the routine that for years have caused self-loathing, physical discomfort and a disappointment that settles in the core of my being.   It has been a difficult few weeks and I have done nothing  but slip down the path of indulgence and avoidance.  The good news is today is a new day.  I have a new coach, a new plan, and once again I will attempt to construct a world that allows me to feel relief from the self-flagellation that is my default nature.

So that aside, I wanted to write about running as yesterday - even in the throes of despair of my bad performance - I was able to appreciate the changes of our society towards running and exercise in general.  When I first started running there were people that said they ran slow and when probed further it was an 8-9 minute pace and as someone at a 12-13 minute pace I often was the last person of the race.  Yesterday at the 10K there were several people there that knew they would run a 12-13 even slower pace and seemed unembarrassed about it.  Even more remarkable was their plans for a bike ride or warrior dash after the run.   Races and events - at least in my head - were always for "real athletes" and if you were not skinny, healthy and a true competitor - you did not belong there.  

There is a revolution happening and some of the non athletes are braving the way to being last and not caring.  They are taking advantage and enjoying the opportunities of the races and activities at one time felt like an exclusive club.  I have seen people in wheelchairs, people overweight, all shapes and sizes struggling to get to that finish line and know they faced that challenge and won - regardless of  how many in front and how many behind.  Maybe it has always been true but there seems more acceptance to it not being just about being the winner or the most fit, but whatever you can put into it.  Unfortunately my brain has yet to figure out how to enjoy being there regardless of performance - but there is some real inspiration out there.  They are the last few coming in when they are breaking down the water stations and the race barriers, they are either right in front of the truck at the end of the race or if you look carefully there are even some behind it.

trying to find my way back

Its been awhile and right now I am a little at a loss for words.  I have an answer - sort of - to my extreme stomach pain - gallstones.  Well I am not sure I believe that is the sole cause but in the end it all comes down to diet.  High fat - such as cheese and cream are supposed to exacerbate any gallstone issues.  Funny I thought I was just becoming lactose intolerant and in some ways I guess that is what it means.  My body is starting to suck at dealing with high in fat foods.  Alcohol too.  I have noticed a serious impact when drinking vs not about how my stomach/gut feel.  Oddly it does not really stop me nor have I been compelled to change my diet.

I read about healthy organic whole foods - rather than processed garbage - and I totally agree.  I think about making foods that support the environment and are better for me and yet I am paralyzed into cooking and eating better foods.  It all feels so overwhelming.   So many choices, recipes and work and it is so much easier to have a quick prepared high fat, high calorie, emotionally satisfying - kicking my body's ass meal.  Wouldn't it be interesting to challenge myself to only eat non packaged fresh fruits and veggies.  To make myself cook and eat "whole foods" for a while.  I know I would feel better in the end.  Something to ponder.

Speaking of challenges something else I have been pondering is to ban myself from the endless hours of the internet so I can actually get some things done.  Limited internet time is something that I think would be good for me as it would allow me to stop using the distraction of the time wasted lost in the interwebs.  I am amazed at how fast time can fly and 15 minutes of meditation can pass in a blink of an eye and I lose hours like I am breathing.  

Lots of thoughts but I am still trying to find my head after my gallstone debacle.  Tomorrow is another day. 

Time slips by so quickly that in a blink of an eye I have not blogged in weeks and I struggle to find my way back.  Life has been disrupted by me not feeling well, bringing home a new puppy and generally feeling out of sync of myself in the morning.   I have had too many mornings where at 4:00 am  I am awake, unable to sleep with a stomach ache or general malaise.  I am a bit lost from my morning self and am not sure how to find my groove.  I have a vision on how I want the morning to go and have not yet figured out how to make it happen.  I would like time to stop for about three hours in the morning once I am awake so I can gather myself  and get everything done.  The thing I miss the most is the energy, the perk, the desire to not just sit and get absorbed into my computer.

I have been doing quite well - although not perfect - on my whole exercise and diet plan so as that constant voice is receding into my mind becoming more subdued.  I realize there is space - a gap - that I am not sure how to fill.  Without the constant internal struggle about being fat and not exercising, my mind has more time to think about other things.  The easiest thing is to not think and quietly slip into TV or more likely the wide world of the internet.  However there is this foreboding under the surface a feeling of pure anxst and I think it is that I feel lost and confused about where I am and where I am going.  The other moments that are not anxiety riddled I think about the larger picture of my life and how I want to feel about my life.  I think if I could commit to meditation in the morning it would be a good way to bring relief to some of these thoughts bouncing around in my head.  Until then it is a bit of a struggle to stay on top of these really ill-defined waves of confusion and dread.  Ironic given things are going very well for me.

There is so much to do and so little time.  I have to figure out how to prioritize and make the things I want to happen...well just happen.  Something to think about.   Going to put some minutes on the cushion ...

On the cushion for a weekend

I had the fortune of spending my weekend being taught by Pema Chodron who is one of the great teachers of Shambala Buddhism.  We spent the weekend talking about the four limitless qualities.  We said a chant before each session:   May all sentient beings enjoy happiness and the root of happiness.  May they all be free from sorrow and the root of sorrow.  May they not be separated from the great joy devoid of suffering.  May they all dwell in great equanimity, free from passion (clinging want), aggression and prejudice.   The four qualities are loving kindness, compassion, joy and equanimity.   There were many points through out the weekend that really stuck home but there were two that were very true to me.

In our practice we had to imagine a benefactor someone that you knew loved you and wished you happiness.  You had to meditate on the idea this person(s) sending you happiness, compassion and joy during different meditations.  You then had to turn to yourself and believe you deserved happiness, compassion and joy.  You expanded out your meditation to neutral people, people that were difficult and eventually to every sentient being on the planet.  There were several interesting things about this practice.

Pema said frequently that in our world people often can only trust their pets to be their true benefactor.  It is difficult to find the ones you really trust in to focus on for this exercise.  Many people talked about their experience of going numb and unable to reach the emotion.  The other hard part was the self acceptance step as it was difficult to repeat I deserve to be happy and enjoy the root of happiness;  I deserve to be free of suffering and the root of suffering;  I deserve joy in my life.  One woman said it best when she said stood up and said I think I am missing the receptor to accept this from others and myself.  We struggle with receiving and believing in ourselves which is maybe why we have a hard time believing in others true intention to give to us.  We discussed that to give you must be able to receive these beliefs to truly give be able to give to others and that was challenging for almost all 550 in the room.  There were times that I felt flat and unmoved and other times we practiced there were tears in my eyes from the waves of emotion that overwhelmed me both from the accepting and the giving of the practice.  It was not an easy practice but one that for moments in time I felt more compassion than I thought I was capable of.

All the anecdotes Pema tells during the weekend are priceless but there was one story that touched home.  Pema has always said you cannot change who you are as that impossible but you can change how you respond and move from a solid to a fluid accepting the impermanence.  So what the hell does that mean?  A story she told made it clear to me finally.  There was an abused girl that she was working with that looked at Pema and said I guess I am just going to have to realize that I am always going to be insecure and self-doubting because of where I come from.  It is the acceptance of the way you are and the things that will not change and then learning to have the space to realize when you are in those patterns and reactions and not letting it drive everything about you.   It is hard to put into words but when you sit and you see the space between your behavior and the world you see that there is room there to be who you are but without it owning you.

I have spent years spinning over and over again about the nitty gritty of the parts of me I will never change.  I have spent years trying to change those parts of me and have had little impact.  I have noticed though over the last five or more years that I have learned to work with who I am and not let it limit me and control my life.  I am ready for that next phase where it is not an anchor around my neck that I am dragging around and doing things in spite of but that I have developed an awareness and an ability to once in a while find the space to not hold on to the edges of the flowing river but to ride down the middle.  Maybe some more time on the cushion will help.

the voices

Have you ever experienced a moment in time that was by all definition fun and enjoyable but instead a darkness of regret and disappointment lurked and swirled around creating an uncomfortable edge tainting every breath?  In some ways it is a strange progression because before without blinking an eye I would abandon my plans and only in the late hours when I should be sleeping the waves of regret would hit and jolt me into anxious state of awakened distress. In the end, I continue to suffer from the brutality of self recrimination for failing to make the right choices. Combing through inspirational videos and motivational quotes the theme is clear to "Just do it" or to "Make the right choice".   This morning I read a post of Tony Horton's Closet Garbage Eater and followed by the Warhawk Matt Scott in Nike "No Excuses" Commercial and I feel like someone kicked me in the butt.

I play with the idea of taking this all serious and being committed to my health, a good diet, good exercise plan.  I want to have PR runs, finish (survive) my triathlon, and I want to look well fit.  I have 20 pounds I would still like to lose - well maybe 15 but then there is the toning and muscles I would like to see.  Yet I do not cook veggies, I flinch on my exercise plan at the slightest cloud or raindrop.   I know that I am inherently lazy and would rather be sitting on the couch under the blanket than out running, biking, drowning (swimming).  I struggle with the energy drive and the emotional want to sustain to be that superwoman.  It is that voice - the tired, lame, lazy, broken voice that drives me into the ground.  The athlete voice has never been in my head so it is barely a whisper.   I need to decide how grow and strengthen my other voices.  Although maybe first I really need to decide and understand what voice I want leading the charge.  I may not be the superwoman that I have imagined in my head and yet I may have a little more energy than I believe.  I think I am just going to blame it on the weather.

I am going to a Pema Chodron workshop this weekend and I am looking forward to having some time to sit with myself.  There is an interesting tension that I have been thinking about recently about my drive and fight to get what I want and reach my achievements and a gentle kindness towards myself.  "Learn to value yourself, which means: to fight for you happiness."  Ayn Rand.  "We can drop the fundamental hope that three is a better "me" who one day will emerge.  We can't just jump over ourselves as if we are not there"  Pema Chodron   Meditation is difficult for only one reason - you have to sit with yourself and hear the thoughts that normally roll in the background without notice.  It will not be an easy weekend but I am looking forward to having a the time to focus and take a moment to gather some perspective.