Time slips by so quickly that in a blink of an eye I have not blogged in weeks and I struggle to find my way back.  Life has been disrupted by me not feeling well, bringing home a new puppy and generally feeling out of sync of myself in the morning.   I have had too many mornings where at 4:00 am  I am awake, unable to sleep with a stomach ache or general malaise.  I am a bit lost from my morning self and am not sure how to find my groove.  I have a vision on how I want the morning to go and have not yet figured out how to make it happen.  I would like time to stop for about three hours in the morning once I am awake so I can gather myself  and get everything done.  The thing I miss the most is the energy, the perk, the desire to not just sit and get absorbed into my computer.

I have been doing quite well - although not perfect - on my whole exercise and diet plan so as that constant voice is receding into my mind becoming more subdued.  I realize there is space - a gap - that I am not sure how to fill.  Without the constant internal struggle about being fat and not exercising, my mind has more time to think about other things.  The easiest thing is to not think and quietly slip into TV or more likely the wide world of the internet.  However there is this foreboding under the surface a feeling of pure anxst and I think it is that I feel lost and confused about where I am and where I am going.  The other moments that are not anxiety riddled I think about the larger picture of my life and how I want to feel about my life.  I think if I could commit to meditation in the morning it would be a good way to bring relief to some of these thoughts bouncing around in my head.  Until then it is a bit of a struggle to stay on top of these really ill-defined waves of confusion and dread.  Ironic given things are going very well for me.

There is so much to do and so little time.  I have to figure out how to prioritize and make the things I want to happen...well just happen.  Something to think about.   Going to put some minutes on the cushion ...