On the cushion for a weekend

I had the fortune of spending my weekend being taught by Pema Chodron who is one of the great teachers of Shambala Buddhism.  We spent the weekend talking about the four limitless qualities.  We said a chant before each session:   May all sentient beings enjoy happiness and the root of happiness.  May they all be free from sorrow and the root of sorrow.  May they not be separated from the great joy devoid of suffering.  May they all dwell in great equanimity, free from passion (clinging want), aggression and prejudice.   The four qualities are loving kindness, compassion, joy and equanimity.   There were many points through out the weekend that really stuck home but there were two that were very true to me.

In our practice we had to imagine a benefactor someone that you knew loved you and wished you happiness.  You had to meditate on the idea this person(s) sending you happiness, compassion and joy during different meditations.  You then had to turn to yourself and believe you deserved happiness, compassion and joy.  You expanded out your meditation to neutral people, people that were difficult and eventually to every sentient being on the planet.  There were several interesting things about this practice.

Pema said frequently that in our world people often can only trust their pets to be their true benefactor.  It is difficult to find the ones you really trust in to focus on for this exercise.  Many people talked about their experience of going numb and unable to reach the emotion.  The other hard part was the self acceptance step as it was difficult to repeat I deserve to be happy and enjoy the root of happiness;  I deserve to be free of suffering and the root of suffering;  I deserve joy in my life.  One woman said it best when she said stood up and said I think I am missing the receptor to accept this from others and myself.  We struggle with receiving and believing in ourselves which is maybe why we have a hard time believing in others true intention to give to us.  We discussed that to give you must be able to receive these beliefs to truly give be able to give to others and that was challenging for almost all 550 in the room.  There were times that I felt flat and unmoved and other times we practiced there were tears in my eyes from the waves of emotion that overwhelmed me both from the accepting and the giving of the practice.  It was not an easy practice but one that for moments in time I felt more compassion than I thought I was capable of.

All the anecdotes Pema tells during the weekend are priceless but there was one story that touched home.  Pema has always said you cannot change who you are as that impossible but you can change how you respond and move from a solid to a fluid accepting the impermanence.  So what the hell does that mean?  A story she told made it clear to me finally.  There was an abused girl that she was working with that looked at Pema and said I guess I am just going to have to realize that I am always going to be insecure and self-doubting because of where I come from.  It is the acceptance of the way you are and the things that will not change and then learning to have the space to realize when you are in those patterns and reactions and not letting it drive everything about you.   It is hard to put into words but when you sit and you see the space between your behavior and the world you see that there is room there to be who you are but without it owning you.

I have spent years spinning over and over again about the nitty gritty of the parts of me I will never change.  I have spent years trying to change those parts of me and have had little impact.  I have noticed though over the last five or more years that I have learned to work with who I am and not let it limit me and control my life.  I am ready for that next phase where it is not an anchor around my neck that I am dragging around and doing things in spite of but that I have developed an awareness and an ability to once in a while find the space to not hold on to the edges of the flowing river but to ride down the middle.  Maybe some more time on the cushion will help.

the voices

Have you ever experienced a moment in time that was by all definition fun and enjoyable but instead a darkness of regret and disappointment lurked and swirled around creating an uncomfortable edge tainting every breath?  In some ways it is a strange progression because before without blinking an eye I would abandon my plans and only in the late hours when I should be sleeping the waves of regret would hit and jolt me into anxious state of awakened distress. In the end, I continue to suffer from the brutality of self recrimination for failing to make the right choices. Combing through inspirational videos and motivational quotes the theme is clear to "Just do it" or to "Make the right choice".   This morning I read a post of Tony Horton's Closet Garbage Eater and followed by the Warhawk Matt Scott in Nike "No Excuses" Commercial and I feel like someone kicked me in the butt.

I play with the idea of taking this all serious and being committed to my health, a good diet, good exercise plan.  I want to have PR runs, finish (survive) my triathlon, and I want to look well fit.  I have 20 pounds I would still like to lose - well maybe 15 but then there is the toning and muscles I would like to see.  Yet I do not cook veggies, I flinch on my exercise plan at the slightest cloud or raindrop.   I know that I am inherently lazy and would rather be sitting on the couch under the blanket than out running, biking, drowning (swimming).  I struggle with the energy drive and the emotional want to sustain to be that superwoman.  It is that voice - the tired, lame, lazy, broken voice that drives me into the ground.  The athlete voice has never been in my head so it is barely a whisper.   I need to decide how grow and strengthen my other voices.  Although maybe first I really need to decide and understand what voice I want leading the charge.  I may not be the superwoman that I have imagined in my head and yet I may have a little more energy than I believe.  I think I am just going to blame it on the weather.

I am going to a Pema Chodron workshop this weekend and I am looking forward to having some time to sit with myself.  There is an interesting tension that I have been thinking about recently about my drive and fight to get what I want and reach my achievements and a gentle kindness towards myself.  "Learn to value yourself, which means: to fight for you happiness."  Ayn Rand.  "We can drop the fundamental hope that three is a better "me" who one day will emerge.  We can't just jump over ourselves as if we are not there"  Pema Chodron   Meditation is difficult for only one reason - you have to sit with yourself and hear the thoughts that normally roll in the background without notice.  It will not be an easy weekend but I am looking forward to having a the time to focus and take a moment to gather some perspective.

Run Forest Run

Ridiculousness.   I expected my morning run to be fast, easy and a real mood uplifter.  Why?  Because I ran a marathon for 5 1/2 hours last weekend at my normal 12ish pace so just imagine what I could do in one hour a mere 5 miles.  I was ready to be amazed and I guess I was just not in the right way.  It was hard, slow and a little painful, the complete opposite of this mental jack rabbit I had conjured in my mind.  Surprisingly the same body with the same skill from before the marathon showed up for the run today and not a new and improved runner that I had imagined.

Someday I will write on what it is like to be a non runner like me.  I spent a lot of time during my run this morning drafting up this master piece and imagined it traveling like wildfire through the intranets.  Quotes like "5 1/2 hours, wow that is slow by runner's standards" and "Your not a real runner" and "I run slow too.  How slow?  A 8-9 minute mile." would pepper this riveting perspective to try to explain what it is like to be at the back of the pack - water stops drying up, traffic frustrated, even cops yelling at you to run faster or get on the sidewalk.  I am not sure if I am an athlete or one who just pretends to be until the race starts.

I do have a bizzaro gene though.  Here I am signed up for Triathlon sprints and Olympic and I am still not sure I will not drown or be pulled out of the water out of mercy.  However watching the Ford St George Ironman this weekend I was amazed, curious and completely inspired and when I got the email saying registration was open for 2012 the thought crossed my mind to actually just sign up and try it.  Perhaps it is Darwin at work or some sort of missing gene but I suck and yet it does not seem to stop me from believing I can do it, signing up for it and then being FREAKED out at the idea.  I was reminiscing a little when I was 200 pounds and started the Coach Potato to 5K program and running for 30 seconds and feeling like I was going to die.  The first swim lesson doing bubbles and scared to death that I would drown even though I was standing in the shallow end.  Now I think an Ironman is possible.  I guess not having to be "good enough" to enter a race may have its advantages.  Everything is intimidating but never a reason not to do something.  I have lost my mind.    Just saying.

wandering into my past present and future

My life has changed so many times in so many directions over the years.  Driving around in an area this weekend where I used to live conjured up memories and thoughts that had really just been discarded but were tickled by the proximity.  Sometimes when I look back I shiver and wish I could forget everything or that it had never happened. Other times I feels like it was someone else who lived that life as I have radically shifted from the person I was before.  Today I am dipping back into a past life to see an old co-worker and perhaps run into people I worked with year ago, followed by dinner with a close friend who is moving away for her own new adventure.

I have never been one for being over sentimental as I have lost so many things in my life and become a bit numb to it all.  I have changed and reinvented myself to the point where I barely recognize myself in old memories and even now sometimes see myself  and wonder who I have become.  I accepted a long time ago the transient nature of things, people, emotion and circumstance and although I am not devoid of emotion - I have an ability to recover, let go, move on.  When I was younger I used to think this was a defect, a gap in my emotional DNA, however as I grew older I understood it as the defense mechanism - the psychological trickery I would play on myself.   I have questioned to the value of this defense in these days where I am no longer in true crisis, but I have come to realize that it is a deep mark on my person that may soften but never disappear.

My friend is leaving town and although our interaction has never been typical or representative of close friends she has outlasted anyone in my life in years of voluntary service.  With her I have shared and suffered, she has watch me metamorphosis into someone successful, happy, and yet still remain the me that loves to struggle and be tormented. She judged, criticized, supported and left me alone and through all these years I always knew she was there.  I have no idea if I have brought her anything other than interesting stories and a view into a crazy life but it seems to have worked ok for us. Another evolution, another life turn.

Monday morning in existential hell

Back to training today and personally I am seriously relieved.   Even after 6 weeks of a schedule my natural inclination is still not to training and to eat and drink to excess.  Ice cream, booze, cheese...I want it all and running and biking and swimming not so much.  It is interesting because inside I really want to become someone that could someday do an Ironman.  I want to look like those people that have no fat on them and just exude healthy and fit. I want it to just be part of my DNA and that without a doubt I have confidence in my commitment.   I know though that I need to make some changes in my thought process, eating habits and the way I think about relaxing before that will become a reality.  The journey is not over and if I get back on track, has really just begun.

The other thing I have noticed is my internet addiction is on the rise again.  I was starting to break the dependence on always checking email and always being on the computer but I have started to slip again.  Maybe it goes with the discipline of the training but I do not really like how pervasive it has become.  I hate the tethered nature of it and the illusion that there is something in the interwebs that is more important or better than actual real life. There is this drive or belief that some how a day or two of not checking email or being tapped in will make me miss something very important.  Flitting through information time just disappearing with every page click while my actual life is devoid of anything   It is one of those existential mornings bemoaning my lifestyle choices...when I am training I think I am too tired to care about my free time but it something I always want to try to keep an eye on.  I do not want to wake up one day and realize I only have training and debauchery...there has to be something in between.

Knowing that my guy reads my blog has created a silent tension with myself about what to write.   I do not want this to become a venue to air my problems or deal with our things passive aggressively.  However, many of the things that happen between us are most definitely things I would like to write about.  I have been struggling with this as I wonder - should I create a private journal for those entries?  Should I not publish my blog at all?

I bring this up because yesterday was mother's day.  It is a hard day for me for several reasons

1. My boys are older and do not have much guidance from any male on how to celebrate the day with me.  I appreciate what they give me and I know they care but it is limited and without much effort on their part.  
2. I realize it is a false holiday made only to generate a revenue stream but still it would be nice to have that semblance of normalcy and family that comes with these types of holidays.
3. I do not really have my own mom or dad to share these days with and it leaves me feeling a little lonely.

There were several things that made me feel a little numb and removed from it all.  My guy told me that since I was not his mom - he felt no compulsion to wish me a happy mom's day - get me a card or anything.  Not surprising since he does very little for his own mom, but we had this same conversation last year and it is a universal rule that you wish those around you a happy mom's day.  It is not that crazy.  The other thing I watched this comedian rail against mothers feeling the need to pat themselves on the back all the time.  It was funny but maybe it was just the wrong day for me.  I struggle with feeling valuable and worth it and ironically the day that is supposed to be a celebration to make me feel assured of my value, left me feeling needy and a bit sad.  Funny most holidays end up feeling that way for me but yet I can still not keep hoping each one will be better.

I got the first installment of my tattoo last night.  I feel a little unsure this morning - one of my friends reactions about how big it was and just feeling like a woman in midlife crisis or something.  However, it is one my side somewhere few will see - so it is not all in your face - and I think it is actually very pretty.  People at work knew I was getting one and I think it kind of surprised them as I am not sure I seem like the type.  I have been trying to figure out why I would get a new tattoo and what "value" does it bring and  I realized it is completely superfluous but I still went through the effort, pain and expense.  I cannot really say why.  I also know that I will noodle away at another design and probably get another one some day.  It is just something that some how fits me - even though it does not.  I wonder what it says about me that even I have not yet figured out.

Yesterday had a few highs and lows for me.  I woke up and felt really good in the morning about yoga, meditation and my future goals.  Perhaps the writing inspired me to have some faith and conviction on my goals but as I read the yoga journal I felt a little "at home".  I realized that if I really wanted to reach my goals that I would have to make a commitment to the lifestyle of health and exercise more so than straddling the line and like the old days it seemed very natural and easy to make that commitment.  Come lunch the choices I made were good, chicken and no beer and I split a tiny brownie square - but maybe that was the beginning of the downfall.  I find it awkward to be in large groups and people I work with as I am social but not comfortable with it really.  I try to make conversation but really I would rather not be there and I tend to withdraw and never really settle down.  When someone asked me about my marathon another guy piped in and asked me my time and without a breath said wow that is really slow.  It crushed me but I know he is right.  I should not be so proud of myself for the time because as he said - well looking at it from a runners perspective that is really slow.  I thought about that as I went to a near by bar and had a few drinks while I waited for the time for my tattoo appointment.   I didn't feel defeated as much as I just felt lost and uncertain.

Someday I would really like to gather strength and be built up with the potential improvements, appreciate the dedication and celebrate how far I have come rather than feel so uncomfortable with who and where I am.  However what I would really like is to just be better - not so fat, not so slow, and that every training step would not so hard for me.  I want to be like some of my friends that are superwomen both personally and professionally.   They have families, jobs and amazing physical condition.  They would never sit in a bar and drink and bemoan ...I guess that is just an added feature of complexity for me.

trying to find my way back...

It has been a strange road since I last wrote.   I completely shifted from alcoholic sluggard to eating right and exercising regularly.  I have lost 10 pounds so far and recently ran the Providence Marathon without dying and cut an hour off my Chicago time.  I feel completely motivated (albeit exhausted from the Marathon) and I am on the right path to getting to where I need want to be.  It is strange after all those months (years) of struggling that I just flip the card over and am on the right path.  I am not really sure  how or why it finally happened, perhaps it was the weather, maybe it was just I had finally had enough but in the end I am working towards where I want to be.  I am a little terrified that the switch is just going to flip back and I will start struggling with it all over again.

I have not yet struggled with the feeling of monotony of the training which normally overwhelms me but mainly because I am just too dang exhausted to be bored.  We struggle with the over compensation on the weekend drinking and eating too much after training as it just feels like such a relief and well earned calories and fun.  I think we will find the balance or just continue to see-saw between training and reward but even that is better than where we were.  The thing I am struggling with is that I am not happy yet with our routine.  I want more from myself and I am fighting to figure out how to fit it all in.  The thing I really want is a better morning practice as  I miss writing and a mediation practice. I had started one before the training but I have not stabilized with the exhaustion yet or maybe it is just an excuse and I have not yet found my own balance.  I have a weekend away with Pema Chodron in a few weeks and I am hoping it will inspire me into the practice I am hoping for.

Underneath I am still struggling with my self image as I am still relentless about my progress or what I feel is lack of progress.  It is sometimes worse when I do better - weird right?  The marathon showed that with the right training I can do better but all I can think about is how much it hurts, how slow I run and how I am not a 4 hour marathon runner.  I actually think the meditation practice will help with those feelings and self-rejection so I really want to work on getting that back into my life.  Today is the first day just by writing these few scrambled words.