moving forward...

I tried to get up earlier this morning but the tiredness of all the exercise definitely weighed heavily on me this morning not to mention I had no real motivation to pull myself out of bed.  I am still not eating as well as I could or should be to sustain the exercise and lose the weight but so far 100% on the exercise and I am feeling very good.   I have not wavered or doubted my commitment and really have embraced the new plan. I am not sure what is different this time, but I will say I think the meditation weekend helped but things in a better perspective.  Not drinking has not been nearly the issue I thought it was going to be, but the real test is this weekend.  I have no desire to drink because I want to stick with my program and not put on the weight I am trying to lose.  I have to remember to keep telling myself that when I am feeling the pull.

Things I have noticed is that the amount of calories burned by exercise is much lower than is in my head.  I go through thoughts like I could eat that since I exercised but the estimated calories from the different programs are much lower than the food I would like to inhale as a treat.  I have also been working on rewards overall for sticking with my plan although I do not know how successful reward systems are for me. Creating a rewards plan has never really kept me on track before or drove me to the end goal so I was hesitant to go down this path again.  However, this time I want to look at these rewards as more of a celebration of my success and sticking with my goals.  The celebration I have so far are:  A massage (easy choice) right out of the gate (week 2) and for 3 months of sustained 80% or greater - a trip to NYC.  I am trying to decide if I am going to have a month 2 celebrations.  The reason for it is that it is the hardest month for me - as I start to see success to not relax and reward myself right out of my goals.  Month 2 might be a tattoo that I have started putting together - but I have committed to it yet...still mulling it over.

I noticed something else yesterday. I was on the verge of signing up for Pema Chodron workshop and when I realized the cost I began to doubt and question why I would spend that type of money on a workshop.  The money could be used for savings or for other more valuable things and I questioned why would I need to spend it on something so frivolous. Was my search for something so out of whack that I needed to spend my hard earned money and a weekend of my time on listening with a few hundred others a Buddhist nun?   I struggle with spending money for things that are a luxury for my own whims and question why I would ever need or want it.  Even when I do it every now and then (Precision Nutrition last year) and I tend to hold it against myself and use it in the future as an example of failure.  I missed the workshop sign up as they filled up because I wavered and they sold out.  I immediately put myself on the waiting list and signed up for the weekend in the fall. I feel nervous even thinking about it now because I feel it is a scam or a neediness of myself I am uncomfortable with - is it all just a money making scheme or is there real value?  I am holding on to the decision that Pema Chodron is one of the few people in my life that I find inspirational and the opportunity to be taught and experience her teachings is something I can allow myself to splurge on.   I am fortunate to have someone that inspires me and I live close by and able to afford the experience.   Perhaps it is all a silly search for something to fulfill my life that is unnecessary and representative of the frivolousness of our society, but I am hoping I get in for the May Workshop and looking forward to it.

No more waiting....

Found this on reddit and it rang true!

 

morning thoughts that take too long.....

I hate daylight savings time as it completely messes with me. This morning is harder than most because my eyes feel dry and really I do not feel rested at all.  My sleep definitely felt fitful at best but alas it is morning and we are facing another day/week.   I have a hard enough time with sleep and getting up in the morning and this will make it more difficult.  However I have put together a training plan that is generic but specific.  It has morning and night activities and I cannot let the time change, my period, the week, the weather or whatever excuse I can find to derail me from my path.  Some of this attitude comes from my weekend and some comes from the fact I have hit the time and place where there are no more excuses.

I figured out why it is hard for someone to blog about the Shambhala Warrior Training.  It is a very internal practice and could be re-tagged Meditation training as the majority of what we did was learn and practice meditation.  The meditation practice is different than some other practices because you are not support to focus on an object or a sound but work on the light touch of noticing your out breath and try to find space in your thoughts.  As I knew, I have very loud internal voices but what surprised me more was the layers of voices in my head and their adamant demanding to be heard.  The first day at one point I almost went screaming out of the room because I could not stand another minute of those voices fighting for control and center stage.  There was no judgement other than what was in my own head and no one could tell how well or poorly I was doing but I found it excruciating.

It is odd to think of your mind as a third party in your body but when trying to turn off the thoughts it felt like battle.  By Sunday, I was more comfortable with my inability to master my thoughts and I had a bit more success or at least felt at least less beat up about it.  The question that was brought up by both myself and another woman was  - what is the point?  How is this struggle of vacuous thought good or beneficial?  In the end from what I could understand it was the giving yourself the space to accept yourself for who you are as well as learn how to be in the moment without all the judgement.  The whole "being in the moment" concept is something that I can feel in my gut and psyche as value but between the difficulty of the act and how intangible the benefit is - there is a real struggle to believe in the practice.

While trying to be in the moment, I did notice that it did allow for a certain optimism and  motivation that did not previously exists. The openness did have a different feel than the other thoughts that were struggling to be heard.  I felt waves of confidence that I can accomplish my goals, enjoy my life, shed some of the pain that I carry; this all sounds so grandious but for a few moments between breaths and labeling thinking and the desire to bolt from the room; I felt a certain joy and hope.  I am not sure if it was the space or just the timing aligning with my own journey towards finding my strength to accomplish my goals.  It cannot be denied however that during the meditation I felt some real surge of joy and even though I was not sure if they were real (why would I question that?) or what to do with the feeling (other than feel it?) it was present.

The other thing that I really enjoyed this weekend was the Story Slam.  It gave me confidence that I could work on a story and be a live teller.  I was truly envious of the people that were carefree and did not prepare and just stood up and told a story.   Their stories were not the best told stories as they were raw and unstructured but to have that ability to just kind of say "fuck it" is an envious trait.  I wonder if I think I am better in my mind than I am but those people never think that and just put themselves out there.  Could I ever do that?  I think there are things that I have to say that are interesting but some of the winners told stories as an art form.  Is that talent?  Is it practice?  Mentally I immediately go to the place that if I am not going to be as good as the best one there - then why perform and be a sad copy of the real thing?  I then flash back to those people who just get up and do not care at all.  Must everything be a mental struggle?

It occurs to me that if I plan to write, exercise and throw in a meditation in the morning that 6:35 is not early enough to rise and shine.  I need another hour at least to get it all done.  I will not write all mornings but I need the space to be able to do it if I am feeling inspired.  Maybe there is no morning at 5:00 am that writing, meditation or exercise sounds like a good idea but it is after 8:00 and I have stayed pretty on track and I am out of time.  My goal is to stretch before swimming and I want (I do NOT want) to do 10 (I wanted to do 15) minutes of meditation this morning (do I have time?).  Ah well...time to go face the demons in my minds.

thoughts before the weekend

Storytelling class last night was really interesting as it was great to see everyone's progress in telling their stories.  At first this was a class that each person did not look like they could put a real story together and then last night the tidbits of story we all shared left you wanting more.  The quietest man of the group was shaking as he shared by far the most powerful story. He had started the night saying how uncertain he was about what he had put together and wandered through words trying to explain molecules of his being.  I told my story and although I started out with confidence, when I heard the other stories, I was left thinking my story was a bit blank and devoid of anything really interesting.  We have all gone through it during this class and if nothing else it has been almost reassuring that this is such a common struggle.  I was careful with this first story to not divulge too much to not expose the crazy world that I grew up in and I think I feel the echoes of that sterility.  I should not be stunned - but I am  - at my lack of ability to believe my story is worth the 2-3 minutes that I am spending telling it.  I wanted stand up and perform my story at a story jam but my as my confidence erodes so does my resolve.  Perhaps I need a better story...god knows I have a few, but would any of them ever be interesting?

I have enjoyed the mental activity of this class I am still aware I need to get back on the exercise wagon.  I have started "planning" all my activities and events from half marathons to triathlons again.  The idea is that if we plan enough activities that we will force ourselves to exercise - it only has worked marginally so far.  I love the planning part and finding and picking races - it is just the rest of it that is lousy.  :)  I have also thought about it  and reached out to get a coach on board.  As a friend of mine said, it is good way to get your ass out there until it becomes a habit.  It is really interesting to me that it takes a random stranger that you pay money to do something that you have total control over and could do for free.  The problem is sticking to it and not letting yourself "off the hook" for some random excuse.  I am dreading planning a new training plan for the 800th time - planning the activities is more fun - but it must be done.  I want to have a commitment on my plan by the end of the weekend and ready to start on Monday.   God help me I mean it this time.  The weather is warmer and I am fatter.  It is WAY past time.

This weekend should be a little crazy with the Shambhala class.  I have no idea what to expect and I was going to try to read some Pema Chodron before the class to reacquaint myself but I read a great post-apocalyptic book Earth Abides instead - it was funner. It has been years since I delved into this side of the spiritual world and I have trepidation if I have become too skeptical in my older years.   It will be a full weekend (8:30 - 6:00 Sat and 8:30 - 1:00 Sun) so I may not get back to this in a few days.   I cannot find on the intrawebs anyone blogging about this class even though it is offered world wide.  Crazy.  Maybe I will be the first one!  Have a great weekend!

ABC's of Me

My friend did this on her cool blog and I was so intrigued that I felt compelled to try this myself.  I am not super confident that I can pull it off as well but I thought I would give it a spin.

Age: 43 sometimes I feel like 20 and sometimes I feel like 60.
Blood Type:  O Negative.  Universal Donor but because of my anemia and thyroid  issues I can never donate.
Cats:  I have two and have had cats most of my adult life.
Dogs:  I have a gorgeous French Bulldog that I am totally gaga over.  I have had terrible dog karma over the last few year
Exercise:  I struggle with and hate the word.  I want to be better and do more and yet I do not.
Food:  I love all types of food - cooking and eating.
Goals:  I love to set them and I always try but I am never successful at really accomplishing the way I want to.
Home:  I am not sure where I really want to live but I loathe the fact I have this huge house with a huge mortgage and would do anything to live in a small little loft covered with books and records and art or maybe just art...i digress
Ice cream: I love ice cream and hot fudge.  I love when it is hot enough that I need ice cream to cool down.

Jazz: I used to love it and listen to it all the time now I find I skip over the songs and I do not know why.  Time to rediscover.
Kayak: I want to go kayaking this spring and summer.  I wanted to learn how to white water raft kayak but it looks so scary.  Learning to swim will make that more possible.
Lentils: I am afraid of them for some reason.  I enjoy them when snuck on a dish that I order, but I have yet to cook them even though I have bought them.
Medication: I hate taking medication.  I am supposed to take 2 pills a day at a minimum.  I often forget.   I should also take a multivitamin and some calcium (my age) and fish oil would not hurt.  Ugh
Name: I was born Brooke Renee Chancellor.  I have had 3 names since them.
Oatmeal: I love oatmeal, especially cut oats.  I should make it more.
Puzzles: I love putting together puzzles.  I hate how my cats destroy them.  I wish my guy enjoyed them more.
Quandary: How do I live the life I want and still enjoy the things I enjoy?
Running: I want to be a real runner.  How is that defined for me?  Under a 10 minute mile is all and regularly runs...maybe even loves it.

Swimming: I could actually pass a swim test now but I am still not really comfortable.  I need to train more, but still Yeah me for getting to the point where i can actually swim a lane without completely freaking out!
Travel: I have gone many places and it was awesome but now travel just seems so expensive but I miss exploring new places and things.
US Air Force: I was in the air force.  It feels weird to me that is a true statement.  3 lifetimes ago - I was just a child.
Vacation: I have not had a true vacation in over 3 years.  It might be time.
Work: I like work.  I need to be challenged.  Right now I am waiting for it to get there.
X Chromosome: I have two.
Yucky: Things I want to like but just can not seem to:  Olives, Sardines, Anchovies, cooking Chard, eating healthy :)
Zen: Karma and Yin\Yang really call out to me.  Balance of life is something that I struggle with and strive for.

Kind of interesting and glad I did it!

for something completely different

It has been a whirlwind of activity over the last few days and I am not really where to start or what to specifically write about this morning.  The weekend was an interesting mix of continued debauchery with a mix of exercise and branching out.  We cooked at home on Friday night, Saturday between the dog park, volunteering for Mother's Day in March for Wil Gilson's mom's greenhouses and then a late night snack.  The volunteering was interesting as we just went up and downstairs for 4-5 hours and afterward were physically exhausted.  We had done a run that morning (that was brutal on me) as well.  To say it was a full day was an understatement and we were exhausted when we went to bed.  The debauchery comes from the food before and after the event where we ate, drank and were merry.  Sunday we had a Slow Food's Boston Bookclub/Potluck based on the book Fannie's Last Supper by Chris Kimball.  We had a fabulous menu but we had to cook all morning and ate more food than we should have!  We made creamed oysters and leeks on toast, portabella mushroom soup, and lamb leg and stuffing with gravy.  It turned out well .  Sunday night we went to bed exhausted, stuffed to the gills and it felt like we had done a ton over the weekend.  I probably gained 5 pounds even after all the exercise.

I noticed during our run that the mental battle was difficult.  It was hard as I had not run in so long and I am terribly out of shape and carrying an extra 25 pounds. After the run I was thrilled that I had finally ran.  Yeah me!! However, by the afternoon I was already down on myself for it being so hard, moving so slow and not having been in shape.  I wanted to run Sunday but was exhausted from the Saturday night before.  I wanted to run during the week - in the mornings - but it was cold - I was tired - and really one again never got close.  I fit in none of my clothes and I feel huge.  I am full - satiated - and yet I keep eating.  Last night at dinner with a friend I noticed how I drank more and ate more bread with butter.  Why am I stuck in this pattern?  Why can't I break free?

This weekend we are going to something completely different - Shambala Training.  I was introduced to Shambala through Pema Chodron years ago and kind of wandered away once things in my life straightened out.  I am not sure what I am hoping to get out of it...what I remembered getting from the Pema Chodron books was a greater sense of acceptance of myself.   It gave me strength last time to get through some things - this time I am hoping to build a better foundation of myself so I can build the life I want to exist in.  I have no idea how it will impact me.  Will I be like a kid with a new toy all jazzed up but fleeting?  Will I feel disappointed because I look at the logic and reality and dismiss it?  Will it feel like just another interesting experience to be put away as something I did?  Perhaps - maybe  it will resonate and I will want to continue further?  Who knows - but it is only a few days away so not long to wait.  

Nothingness

I have started writing several times the last few days but close up without saving because I am at a loss of what to write.  I feel like my brain has run out of ideas.  Nothing has really changed except I have gained a few more pounds.   I have nothing interesting to offer and I am not sure what else to write.  A daily journal only helps if there are things to say and a blog is only interesting with a theme.  I have nothing right now.  It does not even feel all that bad, just feels empty.  I am all tapped out these last few days and so rather than ramble and try to fill the blank whiteness, I will just close down this session with a few words from someone else.

Hope and fear come from feeling that we lack something; they come from a sense of poverty. We can’t simply relax with ourselves. We hold on to hope, and hope robs us of the present moment. We feel that someone else knows what is going on, but that there is something missing in us, and therefore something is lacking in our world." — Pema Chödrön (When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times)


And one of my favorite poems, which I almost could not remember....