That is how the light gets in

I want to write which I think is why this is so hard to do.  I have been unable to be with myself ...just in the space of being...for some time now.  I have been so afraid to exist, afraid of my very existence, so much so that most nights I have drank myself to sleep to run from the fear of what might happen if -- not sure what the if was but terrifying all the same.  There was no relief to be had and every night led to more anxiety that I would somehow perish if I ever felt what was below the surface - if the wall fell down...so would I.  Tonight some how there was a crack in the pain and some light found its way into my heart and here I sit sober with myself breathing in the anxiety, the fear and the joy of living all at the same time.  I have hope I can find my way back in my own life.

As I have been thinking about my engagement of my own life, I have used the analogy of a movie.  I am one of those that hides their eyes in fear and cries when my heart strings have been tugged, basically I lose track of the fact that it is a story that has been carefully scripted and edited and fall into the storyline completely and with total abandon.  I am more comfortable losing myself in a movie than I am in my own life.  I try so desperately to block and numb the feelings that I have in response to real things in my life dressing them down and deeming them unworthy.  I have been running hard and fast from my feelings my whole life which is exhausting and cruel to my very being.  I wonder how it all spun out of control and I realized it started as a low moan of angst about the meaning of my life and turned into a screaming wail when my father destroyed his own life and then killed himself. The walls that I felt I had to erect to stay alive were soul crushing.  In matters of moments of a few breaths I became lost to myself and my life as I was ill  prepared to deal with the level of strong emotions and despair.  

Tonight I had an opportunity to share time with my sons and their girlfriends and I saw that they radiated joy.  Their lives are not perfect and will not always be happy but they know joy and for that I am thankful as it is a real blessing.  We saw a movie tonight and it was gorgeous, full of passion and adventure and there were definitely moments where I was swept away.  However tonight there were also a few moments where I revelled in the world that was able to be created so magically in this film.  A story with heart and heros, courage and fear and for a moment I could see the world and my own life as just as magical.  I thought about the pain and suffering I am feeling and realized I have felt this type of pain before if not more so, what could have changed and why now was it so devastating   The thing they do not warn you about when you delve into meditation is that once you have awareness and your heart starts to open to the interconnectedness of the world, you cannot go back.  You are left vulnerable where the old patterns and walls feel more like prison than they do salvation.  I know my life must have meaning beyond the numbness and heartless world.  I know I must help others in the world to be free from their suffering just like me we all want joy and peace.  All any of us can do is to try each moment of each day.