The glory of the internet is to be able to turn over stones that before were unavailable, inaccessible, unrealizable before and with a single search and a few clicks there you are. Staring at pictures from the family that discarded you, found you unacceptable, and told you to stay away. They look so happy, in fact, they look like an incredibly normal family. My brother looks like my father and my mother looks so much the same even though it has been over 20 years since I laid eyes on her. My father has been gone for a year and I was not even mentioned on his obituary as part of the family, which is right because I was disowned and removed from the family so long ago. For a few minutes, I cannot breathe. There is a moment of clarity and awareness that feels as unreal as it does true; everything I work so hard to do is for them and everything I run from is running from them. While that specifically may not be true, I can feel that my heart that has never survived the trauma of my childhood. Fragile and wounded, I came to that family damaged and they did not understand what they had taken on and created deeper wounds of rejection and fear and nothing ever healed. I have always been proud of how I have survived the insanity in my life and at this very moment I realize survival is not living life.
In the wake of my biological father's horrendous death, I am faced to force that the demons that we have inside us must be healed or they will continue to haunt and taint the life that we try to live. Faced with normalcy and a seemingly happy future, he felt compelled to destroy his life and leave himself with no choices but to take his own life. Am I really living any differently? The destruction I lay upon myself is self-hatred and doubt, unworthiness and an emotionally stunted heart and relationships. I spent so many years surviving, fighting for my life that in the wake of the new solitude and the emptiness I am lost. I named this blog Courage to Be and I am still struggling to find the courage and the heart to really live. I am not sure what it even really means to look beyond the limited and find the spacious luminosity of life.
I have depended on self-reliant untouchable strong me that I loath and continually am disappointed in for so long that I am starting to think that this self definition of myself is the thing I have to let go. The wounds are kept alive by the solidification of the need to stay deeply protected and the fear of what lies beyond. I have to let that me retire from vigilance and protection and then what? Open up - open up to what? What the hell is the point of life beyond surviving? What do you do with the space and emptiness? How can I let go of the me I think I am and let myself be the me I am? What if real me comes out and it is an even worse version of myself than I have imagined. If I do not meet my demons at the door, will they take over my life and destroy everything I have because I can not move forward? What if there is no heart, no courage, even worse what it there is nothing to who I am other than just survival jane mode? I am so afraid and yet I feel like maybe there is hope a glimmer of love? Can I re-engage with my life that is not about necessity and is about living? What does that even mean?
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