body, heart and mind

Where did I live my mind, body or both? A question asked by the Week Of Inward Looking started by Susan Piver  and Patti Digh.  It is an exercise looking at the past year with 7 thought leaders, 7 questions in 7 days.  The whole question was actually:

Where have I learned and lived in 2012? In my head, in my body, or both? What would living more fully in my body in 2013 bring to me? How can I embody life and learning as I move through this liminal space between now and next? How can I more fully learn from the neck down in 2013

Ok, so I am a thinker and I love to think.  I even think about thinking with regular glee.  I have never felt comfortable in my own skin, and have always existed in my head.  I am clumsy, inflexible with almost no athletic talent at all and avoid looking or thinking about this strange vessel that carries me around.  The other day I was at yoga and looking at my feet.  I thought to myself - how long has it been since I actually looked at my feet? The key part of that sentence though is actually that I was at a yoga class.  I have started to see the mind, body and heart connection.  I add the heart to the body because I have realized that being physically engaged with yourself actually helps feel open with other people - at least for me.  Perhaps it is just unlocking myself from the mind cave and realizing that my thoughts are not all that defines me.

I am terrible body landlord.  I have fought tooth and nail to not know about its existence and necessity and berate myself for my body being incompetent and incapable.  It would break my heart to hear anyone talk to another human being the way I talk to myself and especially when talking about my body.  The divide between myself is like an epic battle that only I can see happening, imaginary friends at war.  I really want to be a total yogini: Skinny, Flexible, Graceful, Strong.  I also do not want to be anything like that as I am terrified of the embarrassment, pain and shame of trying to get from where I am to anywhere near "yogini-ness."  My mind has wrapped a tight little cocoon of safety around me that the idea of failure or physical exhaustion or pain would be the end - my demise.  My mind wooes me with wine, food, pajamas, and everything that keeps me safe, warm and protected.

However there have been moments, where I have seen the light through the thick cocoon.  While I wobbled, struggled to keep up, sweat, swore, and managed to not just run out of the room screaming, I have survived to live another day. More powerful than the fact that I did not spontaneously combust upon first sign of failure or get ejected out of the room with everyone laughing at me, it the feeling afterwards when success or failure it is done.  Afterwards my heart feels full, elated and alive and that can sometimes feels just as scary as the fear of failure.  Too elated, too hyped up, wow I am going to be so awesome - I go from not dying right into an intense overdrive of rockstar mode.  I move the bar of survivable failure so I am destined to keep struggling to just believe I can do it.  My mind is a dirty fighter as I am sure that is against the rules, I should be thrilled about the progress I make but instead I feel disgusted that I am not a master and never will be.  My heart shrinks back, my fear takes over and I have run away from the potential of a cease fire and a life outside the cocoon.

This year was particularly one that was owned by my mind.  While I have fought with this yo-yo affect my whole life I feel like through my meditation practice I have a language around what is happening.  I have to take this new found awareness sprinkle in some intention, wisdom and compassion and find myself a way to just be who I am - body, heart and mind.