Finding my heart

Always a struggle for me to write, perhaps someday it will become more fluid and not so arduous and scary to start.  As I read comments on articles and posts and see how judgmental and cruel people can be it makes this whole public blog thing much more difficult.  Why do I have a public blog and not private one?  I tell myself that no one is really reading this and I am pretty uninteresting so it will not really matter to anyone out there.  I also pretend it is about technology and the ability to develop my own voice but I could do all that and not publish a single post.  There is something about making the decision to put words and thoughts out there that is both frightening and curious.  There is something about opening and sharing with the world at play with all of this.

Artist Thomas Sheridan

This weekend I went to an incredible yoga program The Intention of the Heart Practice for the Spiritual Warrior with Amy Sullivan.  I am disappointed I did not go to the Fire part of the program because I can only imagine how powerful the two days together would have been. It was a beautifully lead afternoon that had us connect with our heart and thinking about our intentions using the body and journaling.   Right now, I am all about trying to get to my heart and set intentions that are true to me instead of just required or goals.  What is an intention versus a goal?  For me, the difference is the heart and the outcome.  I have spent year after year setting goals to accomplish for the next year.  Marathon, Learn to Swim, Open Water swimming, all checks.  I push myself each year to do something that is hard or will make me a "better" person.  This person is never enough and needs to keep growing and accomplishing.  This year I started with many goals but I lost the passion for them.  I could not see the point of accomplishing these things that in the end do not matter to anyone but me and I did not really care.  Nihilism was running rampant in my mind and my life.

However this year I did do a few things that were kind of out of character for me.  I signed up for both an IDP Teacher training and Stanford Compassion teacher training with absolutely no idea what would become of it. An activity with no known goal.  I have nothing in my current life that can absorb those things easily but yet I felt compelled to do it.  It has been hard because I feel so out of place compared to my fellow students.  (Compared is a big problem in that sentence but I am working on that too.)  IDP program changed my life, but was not an easy peasy change that suddenly made everything better.  It made me aware of my nihilism, aware of my heart, aware of a strong desire in me to live a meaningful life.  All that awareness is actually crazy painful because there is no longer the ability to be numb without knowing I am trying to numb myself.  It is so difficult to crave human connection and the ability to share my heart with others and that they are open-hearted with me.  Vulnerable.  Exposed.  Longing.  Now - all I have is now.

The questions in my head for 2013 are

Who do I want to be in this world?
What type of communication and intimacy do I want in my life?
What can I do to make this a better world?
How do I spend my time to live a life that fulfills my intention?
How can I face my demons and keep my intention strong?

They are big questions but I have one life and each moment of time is an opportunity to relieve suffering and bring peace and joy to the world.