Reflections

It is that time of year again where I look back and evaluate, judge and beat myself up for everything I did not accomplish.  There is something about a random date of January 1st that gives an illusion of a brand new start another attempt at getting it right.  However in the dawn of the new start, I cannot help but look back at the year that is passing underneath me and wonder how did I fare this year?  Not very well from the outside - I weigh more, am less healthy, have unclear goals and motivations, and I am actively running away from myself.   This is not really surprising as every year the goals are the same and I consistently disappoint myself.

Highlights and lows from this year:

• Left my super-stressful job and went to another similar job but with about 1000% times less stress.  It cut my commute and the people I work with are much easier, but in the end I struggled with how to use my life better.  Still lost on the shores of inaction and avoidance.
• Swam in open water - long time fear never quite conquered but managed to deal with the very high anxiety of not drowning.  I even managed to go to the pool and swim actual laps.
• Reintroduced myself to Shambhala Buddhism which is bringing a new grounding to myself and my life.  I had hoped in some ways it would solve my whole lazy unmotivated issues but it is creating an openness and a path I had not seen.
• Started working on my plan to get out of my current work into something more meaningful.  I made some hard choices and turned down some really interesting opportunities and I think it is the right choice.  I am excited and nervous and terrified I will plan this change to death and never step towards the path.
• My boys are amazing.  I love them more every year.  I miss them more too.  Their steps into adulthood and away from their mom is heartening and melancholy at the same time.  I can see the days ahead where they are lost to me engaged fully in their own lives.  
• I found out my adoptive father passed away this fall from google.  I was not mentioned in the obituary and my last attempt to reconnect that i sent early this year was ignored.  It is so very sad to have lost that opportunity to reconcile and has left me with much to contemplate.
• Lost all motivation toward running, losing weight, marathons, health, and have been on a see-saw of anxiety of HATING the way I look to HATING the idea of self-discipline and motivation.  At a real loss on this one - but that is not anything too new.

2011 in a nutshell.  Some highs.  Some lows.  Heading down a path that is kind of in progress.  Each and every day I struggle to stay present and accountable.    A few things I am doing in the near term:

• more writing as I am trying to get back on that horse again.
• meditation and dharma study
• contemplation on my self-destructive eating and drinking habits.

Same stuff.  Different year.