A bit of contemplation going down this morning

Meditation felt like a roller coaster this morning.  My mind was so busy with nothing that mattered and I sensed it was like a defensive strategy of my mind.  I was so busy with diversion thoughts that I felt very far from the real essence of things.  I noticed that all I was about was thinking about problem solving work issues or replaying things that have happened or might happen and it felt disingenuous.  It is difficult to not be consumed by these irrelevant strands of thought - the natural activity of the mind.  In my meditation practice, we leave our eyes open  during the meditation. One of the weirdest things I have experienced is to realize your so lost in thought that you are not even really seeing anymore.  It is almost like I am suddenly blind or they have stopped transmitting to my brain.  I snap to and wonder where I have been, even though I know I have been on the cushion but really I have been miles and miles away.  The eyes turn off when these thoughts take over which makes me wonder what I am missing in my real life when I get so caught up in thought.  

I noticed this specifically after listening to my Shambhala Contentment in Everyday Life final class.  It was an amazing teaching that I keep going back to and trying to really absorb.  My teacher spoke about how we all know there is more to us than the natural activity of the mind, especially once you start to really notice what that natural activity entails.  We have a basic distrust of ourselves and how others interact with us because we know that we do not really know who we are.  She spoke of accepting that we are more than these thoughts, we are basic goodness and that when you have faith and trust in this fact you are free to be more honest with yourselves and others.  "We want to tell the truth and still celebrate who we are"   She said we have a natural longing just to know ourselves. I am not sure if this true.  As a society we seem to strive to stay numb and asleep at the wheel, and it is still a struggle for me why we go away from ourselves rather than towards.

She taught that we all have a source of wisdom and compassion in our being and it is open and clear, naturally inquisitive, and never fails us. We have to experience a glimpse of this and we do that through self-awareness and on the mat with the contentment and meditation practice.  This is why the Buddha sat with himself for so long - to get through the deception to the truth of his being.  Once we get a glimpse of this natural wisdom and power, this knowing haunts us and an appetite starts to develop.  The more we see of this the more we begin to trust ourselves because we know there is this capacity and faculties to know ourselves.  We begin to notice when we are a little arrogant or creating deception or puffing ourselves up on and off the mat and we look for the strength to be more honest and see the truth in what we say and do.

It is funny to me that it comes back to trusting in yourself.  I have more trust in others than I do myself.  It is easier for me to believe in others because I do not know the same dark secrets I know about myself.   My fear of failure and success, my lack of execution and the emotional limitations create a deep sense of distrust in myself.  If I cannot trust myself what can I really offer others about myself and the world.  Perhaps this is what attracts me to the Shambhala training.  The idea that I am basic goodness.  The idea that I could experience myself at a deeper level and really know who I am.  The idea of an honest real interaction with the world.  Something to contemplate.