I am not sure why I have nothing to say, maybe it is that I am just trying to focus on the day to day and everything else just does not have room to thrive.  I am not sure what it is but I am seem to be unable to come up with any topic that is worthy of writing down and capturing.

I have a stream of thoughts - fear about the triathlon and failure and then at the same time encouragement about this is my first triathlon and I just have to try to do as good as I can and get better.  My first race I was last and now I am not last.   Such feelings of inadequacy when I see other people, and yet I know overall my life is doing quite well.  I am trying to take more financial management - first time really in a long time - and keep myself out of debt.  I hate some of the choices I have to make because of it but prefer it to the debt I managed to get myself into.  I am struggling with my diet and choices of foods, my desire to drink when it causes my stomach such turmoil.  I am trying to stick with my meditation and exploration into Shambhala ....all the while my work is gearing up to demand more and more.

The year of no fear is really going well.  I am riding bikes, swimming in lakes, rode my motorcycle to work, and have a real chance at some of my goals.  Yet somewhere there is an emptiness, a numbness to it all...what does it really mean?  What is really the point?  What I am hoping to accomplish?    If this moment and the next are all I have - am I spending them the right way.  Do my goals matter?  Sometimes it would be easier I think to support a doctrine that answers all the questions for you and have faith guide you through.  The free falling through life can be a bit overwhelming at times.

the struggle continues

I could write about the challenges I have been fighting.  They are the same old fights of now desires, laziness and avoidance rather than standing tall and making the more difficult choices that in the end result in a happier me.  I have walked away from the habits I was trying to build that would drive me towards that person and sank into the routine that for years have caused self-loathing, physical discomfort and a disappointment that settles in the core of my being.   It has been a difficult few weeks and I have done nothing  but slip down the path of indulgence and avoidance.  The good news is today is a new day.  I have a new coach, a new plan, and once again I will attempt to construct a world that allows me to feel relief from the self-flagellation that is my default nature.

So that aside, I wanted to write about running as yesterday - even in the throes of despair of my bad performance - I was able to appreciate the changes of our society towards running and exercise in general.  When I first started running there were people that said they ran slow and when probed further it was an 8-9 minute pace and as someone at a 12-13 minute pace I often was the last person of the race.  Yesterday at the 10K there were several people there that knew they would run a 12-13 even slower pace and seemed unembarrassed about it.  Even more remarkable was their plans for a bike ride or warrior dash after the run.   Races and events - at least in my head - were always for "real athletes" and if you were not skinny, healthy and a true competitor - you did not belong there.  

There is a revolution happening and some of the non athletes are braving the way to being last and not caring.  They are taking advantage and enjoying the opportunities of the races and activities at one time felt like an exclusive club.  I have seen people in wheelchairs, people overweight, all shapes and sizes struggling to get to that finish line and know they faced that challenge and won - regardless of  how many in front and how many behind.  Maybe it has always been true but there seems more acceptance to it not being just about being the winner or the most fit, but whatever you can put into it.  Unfortunately my brain has yet to figure out how to enjoy being there regardless of performance - but there is some real inspiration out there.  They are the last few coming in when they are breaking down the water stations and the race barriers, they are either right in front of the truck at the end of the race or if you look carefully there are even some behind it.

trying to find my way back

Its been awhile and right now I am a little at a loss for words.  I have an answer - sort of - to my extreme stomach pain - gallstones.  Well I am not sure I believe that is the sole cause but in the end it all comes down to diet.  High fat - such as cheese and cream are supposed to exacerbate any gallstone issues.  Funny I thought I was just becoming lactose intolerant and in some ways I guess that is what it means.  My body is starting to suck at dealing with high in fat foods.  Alcohol too.  I have noticed a serious impact when drinking vs not about how my stomach/gut feel.  Oddly it does not really stop me nor have I been compelled to change my diet.

I read about healthy organic whole foods - rather than processed garbage - and I totally agree.  I think about making foods that support the environment and are better for me and yet I am paralyzed into cooking and eating better foods.  It all feels so overwhelming.   So many choices, recipes and work and it is so much easier to have a quick prepared high fat, high calorie, emotionally satisfying - kicking my body's ass meal.  Wouldn't it be interesting to challenge myself to only eat non packaged fresh fruits and veggies.  To make myself cook and eat "whole foods" for a while.  I know I would feel better in the end.  Something to ponder.

Speaking of challenges something else I have been pondering is to ban myself from the endless hours of the internet so I can actually get some things done.  Limited internet time is something that I think would be good for me as it would allow me to stop using the distraction of the time wasted lost in the interwebs.  I am amazed at how fast time can fly and 15 minutes of meditation can pass in a blink of an eye and I lose hours like I am breathing.  

Lots of thoughts but I am still trying to find my head after my gallstone debacle.  Tomorrow is another day. 

Time slips by so quickly that in a blink of an eye I have not blogged in weeks and I struggle to find my way back.  Life has been disrupted by me not feeling well, bringing home a new puppy and generally feeling out of sync of myself in the morning.   I have had too many mornings where at 4:00 am  I am awake, unable to sleep with a stomach ache or general malaise.  I am a bit lost from my morning self and am not sure how to find my groove.  I have a vision on how I want the morning to go and have not yet figured out how to make it happen.  I would like time to stop for about three hours in the morning once I am awake so I can gather myself  and get everything done.  The thing I miss the most is the energy, the perk, the desire to not just sit and get absorbed into my computer.

I have been doing quite well - although not perfect - on my whole exercise and diet plan so as that constant voice is receding into my mind becoming more subdued.  I realize there is space - a gap - that I am not sure how to fill.  Without the constant internal struggle about being fat and not exercising, my mind has more time to think about other things.  The easiest thing is to not think and quietly slip into TV or more likely the wide world of the internet.  However there is this foreboding under the surface a feeling of pure anxst and I think it is that I feel lost and confused about where I am and where I am going.  The other moments that are not anxiety riddled I think about the larger picture of my life and how I want to feel about my life.  I think if I could commit to meditation in the morning it would be a good way to bring relief to some of these thoughts bouncing around in my head.  Until then it is a bit of a struggle to stay on top of these really ill-defined waves of confusion and dread.  Ironic given things are going very well for me.

There is so much to do and so little time.  I have to figure out how to prioritize and make the things I want to happen...well just happen.  Something to think about.   Going to put some minutes on the cushion ...