Its been almost two weeks since I have written and as I am sitting on this plane I feel I have an opportunity to get some of the things out that have been bottled up and stuck inside me. I have a few things I want to write about so I am probably going to just blast the blog with several installments as all in one long post would get tedious, but I might lose steam or time as the words come out. I had an altering (life?) experience last weekend that added on with some other recent things makes me feel like I am starting to figure out - which at my age should not be such a miracle but it is.
I had a 25K race that I signed up for back in the early spring. I expected to have been training the whole summer and this to be a simple stop on the way to my marathon. Instead I have been struggling to do any run at all and have not committed to a real training program. I wonder now if I really believed I would be training, or if more of my typical behavior - hoping signing up would make me commit and feel pressure to succeed (even though it never does). So the last few races I had bagged out of, one due to sickness (which was real but I could have just done what I could regardless) and the other one was because of a complete mental breakdown and fear of failure and embarrassment. I was in no shape for this race and I knew it was just ridiculous to try.
My Guy has been great, doing all the races, running regularly and going to his track coach. He has kept to the program even through emergency surgery and honestly it has caused me personal resentment that he could stay so motivated while I was wallowing in - well whatever swamp of disillusionment I have been in. One morning last weekend he wanted to know how he could get me out of this depression/funk/self-deprication and I honestly did not know. The problems at work are tough - but it is just work right? I am allowing it to affect my entire life and I had to ask myself - really is it that bad? If I step away from the self-grandizing of the issues, its a job and I am struggling but it isn't that bad. The problem is that I have wound myself up so tight on everything I am a knot of indecision, depression, lack of motivation and have lost perspective.
The day before the race we had two choices, be smart and stay healthy and rested so we could do our best - or not. We, of coarse, chose to have a fabulous day that unfortunately included quite a bit of wine, food and staying out late - but it was an absolutely fabulous day. After weeks (months) of forcing myself to let go and laugh and have fun, this day felt natural and easy and it was really perfect.
The race morning was hard - headache, dehydrated, terrified. It is easy enough to be discouraged and beat myself up about things when it is just me and my guy, but this was me, my guy and a few of my friends that are awesome runners. I told my guy to make sure the fast people did not wait for me and everyone went on without me so I would not be horrified when I came in hours after them. He never agrees with my whole fear and shame attitude but he has learned that I am completely unreasonable on this topic and is a saint in the way he deals with it.
So we go off, the first mile is hard as it is the first mile in like 3 weeks and then after that I start to enjoy the run. It is a gorgeous day and I have no illusions that I will do well but I am on my own pounding the pavement with each step. About mile 4 - almost directly after thinking this will be better than I thought - we hit this hill and I have to laugh because I realize I am in for it and it is not going to be pretty. I some how managed to keep a good attitude and not start the self-beatings and run as much as I can and walk when I have to. Around mile 7 or 8, Stew starts being road crew. He brings me water, then a few miles later some Gatorade and then some red bull (which i have never had before and is really pretty strange). As we are running along - and lets be clear - there is a guy about 3 minutes ahead of me and a guy about 1 minute behind me and other than that there is really no one else I can see from the race. The town is awesome though as they are still out there cheering and I know they have been there for awhile.
A woman gave me a dark chocolate hershey mini bar that may have saved my life because I literally felt it add energy to my body. I managed to stay out of failure mode and keep a positive attitude. At mile 10 or 11, I actually felt pleased with myself because I could have done a half marathon and that made me happy. I didn't remember until later that it was a HALF marathon point and how ridiculous a marathon would be...but anyways. At mile 11 or so I asked Stew to tell my guy if he could I wouldn't mind him finding me and running me in. I knew I was running out of steam, my legs were wrecked and honestly just his presence next to me makes me feel better when I am stressed. Well....that turned out to be a decision that had very interesting consequences.
Stew's wife had been running in front of me...she was probably a good mile/mile and a half ahead of me (maybe more) and she turned around and found me and started running with me. By that time we were mile 12 and I was walking, jogging and whimpering. I felt awful that I ruined her race but her kindness towards me didn't let that feeling linger and I just focused on trying to finish those last 3.5 miles. About at mile 13 or Stew dropped off my guy and then my super fiend running friend showed up.
I laughed at one point to my guy and said "you know this is kind of the opposite of what I meant by make them go and not wait for me" and he shrugged said it was all Stew. Well I struggled with complete and utter embarrassment but the need to stay focused on finishing kept my mind focused because my legs were rocks and starting to cramp and I was going to finish that race regardless of the time or how I got there. My friends were so unbelievably supportive - even super fiend. I always feel so inadequate around him and them but they stuck to their guns about being there for me. It moved me ...it may have changed me forever I do not know but for right now, I feel like it broke some dam or something open. In that moment it was ok to barely finish and it did not make them mad or angry or like me less or anything that I needed to feel bad about. I was also amazed that during most of the race - I actually really enjoyed the run. Not being in battle mode and just accepting that I was going to do badly and just keeping moving - the day was beautiful and the run was gorgeous. It was a good run.
Later that week I was telling a friend about how badly I had done and how I was gaining weight. She said to me you are not overweight and I do not know where you got this terrible self-image. STOP BEING SO BROKEN. It hit me in just the right was as I realized she was right. It impacts everything. It is my default pattern so I am constantly in judge mode - but I allow myself to make the bad choices and then use them against myself. If I eat badly - see you are just a fat slob, if I do not exercise - I am so lazy, if I drink too much - what a hedonistic fool. Hell I even use other peoples actions against myself - she ran I didn't - he ate better than me - he isnt even hungry - i suck. what if none of it matters. what if I do the best i can and I leave it at that. could i really rewire myself to let go of the hatred and stop being so broken. God I hope so.
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