stuck in the middle

“The irony of commitment is that it’s deeply liberating – in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life.” – Anne Morriss

I have been trying the whole moderation thing and honestly I am not very good at it.  Moderation has just become doing what I want in shorter more strategically determined times.  I don't drink all day - get my chores done - then drink a bottle of wine.  The good news is that I am feeling way more in charge of my life and not waking up in complete anxiety attacks because I have NOT done all the things I should.  The boys are better cared for, the house is better cared for, and my life is more normal.  The bad news - I feel more lost about my real purpose because life feels more duty orientated and the passion is lost.  I am working to make the right choices and do the right thing.  Some of this could be because I am still trying to break the habit of doing whatever I want - breaking the habit of just having fun is damn challenging.  

I have been two versions of myself through out most of my life.  I have been the one that does not care about anything and just does whatever I wanted to and had a blast.  t is great for awhile but then the emptiness takes over and I have to push further and further to have fun and keep life exciting.  I have also been someone who had to commit completely and focused my life on that it was all i did or think about it, eventually burning out.  I am generally a person of routine and I will keep my routine until one day I suddenly realize that I stopped and left that routine far behind.  One of the thing I admire most is passion and commitment to the passion and yet it is the one thing that I have never been able to achieve.

The inner mean girl reform school "lessons" have been interesting to me because they talk in depth about the voice in my head that just kicks my ass daily.  I am not surprised by this but I do not how to transfer my inner bitch to someone that helps rather than hurts me.  I have been lately able to stop myself, catch me before I downward spiral and I have started making some better choices and thoughts about why I am doing something rather than digging in deeper.  I am making progress and I should celebrate.

The version of me in my head is so much more who I want to be the one I see in the mirror.  She is stronger, braver, passionate, focused, empowered and I feel like if I could just break free of something I could be that person.  I am starting to wonder if I am so captivated by the person I could be and how to become her...that it makes me lost to my true self.