Reflections

It is that time of year again where I look back and evaluate, judge and beat myself up for everything I did not accomplish.  There is something about a random date of January 1st that gives an illusion of a brand new start another attempt at getting it right.  However in the dawn of the new start, I cannot help but look back at the year that is passing underneath me and wonder how did I fare this year?  Not very well from the outside - I weigh more, am less healthy, have unclear goals and motivations, and I am actively running away from myself.   This is not really surprising as every year the goals are the same and I consistently disappoint myself.

Highlights and lows from this year:

• Left my super-stressful job and went to another similar job but with about 1000% times less stress.  It cut my commute and the people I work with are much easier, but in the end I struggled with how to use my life better.  Still lost on the shores of inaction and avoidance.
• Swam in open water - long time fear never quite conquered but managed to deal with the very high anxiety of not drowning.  I even managed to go to the pool and swim actual laps.
• Reintroduced myself to Shambhala Buddhism which is bringing a new grounding to myself and my life.  I had hoped in some ways it would solve my whole lazy unmotivated issues but it is creating an openness and a path I had not seen.
• Started working on my plan to get out of my current work into something more meaningful.  I made some hard choices and turned down some really interesting opportunities and I think it is the right choice.  I am excited and nervous and terrified I will plan this change to death and never step towards the path.
• My boys are amazing.  I love them more every year.  I miss them more too.  Their steps into adulthood and away from their mom is heartening and melancholy at the same time.  I can see the days ahead where they are lost to me engaged fully in their own lives.  
• I found out my adoptive father passed away this fall from google.  I was not mentioned in the obituary and my last attempt to reconnect that i sent early this year was ignored.  It is so very sad to have lost that opportunity to reconcile and has left me with much to contemplate.
• Lost all motivation toward running, losing weight, marathons, health, and have been on a see-saw of anxiety of HATING the way I look to HATING the idea of self-discipline and motivation.  At a real loss on this one - but that is not anything too new.

2011 in a nutshell.  Some highs.  Some lows.  Heading down a path that is kind of in progress.  Each and every day I struggle to stay present and accountable.    A few things I am doing in the near term:

• more writing as I am trying to get back on that horse again.
• meditation and dharma study
• contemplation on my self-destructive eating and drinking habits.

Same stuff.  Different year.  

Push Homework Redo

I am thinking about my goals and my push goal and it does not set well with me.  I feel like I made another list like I do every year where it doesn't really push me to a new place that I want to be.  I am also with some of my goals of if they are really things I want to do.

So this was my list.

1. I have run a 4.5 hour marathon

Do I really want to do this?  Am I ready to commit to the level of effort that I need to do this?  This is time consuming and physically exhausting.  I really would like to be able to say I am "real" runner.  I think this one has to stay.

2. I have complete a triathlon

This is a definite.  I am disappointed with myself for not having this one knocked of this year.   These goals are going to take real discipline towards working out.

3. I have lost 15 pounds

This one will happen if I work towards 1 & 2.  I don't think weight loss should be my goal.  If I am doing the things I want to be doing this will just happen.

4. I meditate every week as a regular practice

This is a keeper.

5. I have paid off my credit card debt

This is a keeper.

6. I have moved into a new home in the city

This is a keeper.

7. I have a regular yoga practice and I can touch my toes

This is a keeper too, even though it feels like a lot to take on yoga, meditation and running/tri.  However I think it is a necessary component for my mind/body balance.

8.  I have written a short story

I am not sure this one is still real.  I talk about writing all the time but I never write.  I have a story in my head that I would like to get out.  Is this a goal that is really one of my top 10 that I would like to do?  I think this might be a keeper but I am on the fence.

9. I have performed a story or poem at an open mic

This is like the short story goal that it is something I would like to do but I am not sure I would put it as my top goal.  It is a balance activity that gets me doing something more than just exercise.  I am not sure if this is a keeper.

10.  I can swim with confidence and no fear of drowning.

This was a lame goal.  If I can do a triathlon I can swim.  I must have lost steam and just through this down there.  

So where do I land:

Push: I have become a teacher or mentor for others to live a better life.

Health Goal: Run a 4.5 Marathon

1. I have run a 4.5 hour marathon
2. I have complete a triathlon
3. I meditate every week as a regular practice
4. I have paid off my credit card debt
5. I have moved into a new home in the city
6. I have a regular yoga practice and I can touch my toes
7. I have performed a story or poem at an open mic
8. I have gone on a vacation with my family.
9. I have become actively engaged with compassion orientated non-profit organization
10.  I have become a teacher or mentor for others to live a better life.

Push Jump Start Day 3 Homework

Push Goal - this is supposed to be the goal that is really the one that is going to make the other ones more likely.  I have thought about it and I think the regular meditation practice is going to give me right mindset for my other goals.  It is also very hard to put myself on the cushion and face the thought inside my head. Focusing on the here and now and not the future will also help my goals be more present in my mind.

Push Jump Start Day 2 Homework

Homework

The goals you set should be things that, when you achieve them, you’re going to be over-the-moon proud! They take work, but they’re exciting enough that you’re motivated to put in the sweat equity.

Think about the 10 things that you would love to see happen—financial, physical, personal, from a business standpoint, from a spiritual standpoint, from a relationship standpoint, anything that you can think of—12 months from now. (I told you this would be fun!)

Just list your top 10 goals. Leave your Push goal and your health goal blank for now. We will identify them in Days 3 and 4.

GOALS!

Date: 11/12/2011
Push goal: 
Health goal: 
1. I have run a 4.5 hour marathon
2. I have complete a triathlon
3. I have lost 15 pounds
4. I meditate every week as a regular practice
5. I have paid off my credit card debt
6. I have moved into a new home in the city
7. I have a regular yoga practice and I can touch my toes
8.  I have written a short story
9. I have performed a story or poem at an open mic
10.  I can swim with confidence and no fear of drowning.

So let’s take a look at your list of 10 goals. As you read over each one, ask yourself:

Is each goal specific? “I want to be thin” is too vague. Give it a measure: a size, a body-fat percentage, a specific range—something that can be quantified.

Specifics give you confidence, keep you accountable, and hold your feet to the fire. “I am making more money” and “I have paid off some of my debt” are way too easy and too vague for someone like you—someone who is going to kick ass in the next 12 months!

Do I believe I can accomplish this goal the next 12 months? When you set goals that are vague, such as “improve health,” you never really experience the satisfaction that comes with checking something off your list. Pointing to one of the numbers on your goal list and saying proudly, “Wow! I did it!” feels pretty darned amazing. I want you to set goals so cool that you can’t wait to tackle them.

Could I dream even bigger? Don’t be afraid to hope. Go big! When I did this goal worksheet with my best friend in the spring of 2010, she listed that she wanted to earn $500,000 with her home business. I said, “What?! No way! I know you. I know your passion and how organized and committed you are to growing your business. I also know you’re already on your way to hitting that financial goal. So what you’re saying is you hope you can maintain that momentum? No way, Monica. What’s a number that would be really exciting, but really tough? The kind of number that means getting focused?” She said, “Well, I guess to be earning $15,000 a week would be crazy cool.”

A year later, guess what she was earning? Yup! And hitting that financial goal allowed her to fulfill most of the other numbers on her list. Her husband retired from his full-time career to work side by side with her helping other couples navigate the waters of running a business together. With www.partnerwithyourpartner.com, she learned to snowboard, took eight vacations, cut back on her personal training clients so she was home more often, hired a personal assistant, spent more time with her family, and, most importantly, she created a far less stressful and far more balanced life for her husband and their triplets. (Yes, you read that correctly. Parents with triplets are living a balanced, low-stress life? Yup, and you can, too!)

I tell you this story because it drives home an important point: Somewhere along the way, people lose belief in themselves. They forget that they too deserve the possibility of a perfectly designed life.

So let me push you. Pretend right now that you and I are looking at your goals together. Would you be able to say your goals are very challenging? Are you stretching yourself? Will your goals require you to do things differently? Do they push the status quo? If you don’t aspire toward greatness, you cannot achieve greatness. It’s really that simple. And if you aspire toward small things, you will achieve small things. Sure, you can set your goal to be “I want to organize my closet.” And I bet you’ll actually achieve it. But, we’re talking about setting some jump-off-the-cliff, this-is-scary-but-I-can-do-it kind of goals!

Once you’ve listed your goals, asked yourself those three questions, and are satisfied that each and every one of the 10 goals you listed is both doable and crazy cool, go back and ink ’em. That’s right. Write them in ink. There! You’re committed now.

PUSH Jump Start Day 1 Homework

Today’s Homework

This little exercise has changed the lives, career paths, and fitness journeys of thousands. Read today’s assignment undistracted. Grab a pencil and paper. We’ll transfer this information to your smartphone, but your best thinking is done old-school style—with a sharpened No. 2 pencil and a crisp piece of paper.

Start by brainstorming your priorities.

Priorities are those things that are so important that if they were stripped from your life, you would be devastated, unfulfilled, and living without purpose. Who do you want to be? What do you want to accomplish? What makes you happy? What do you think is your purpose in this life? What gives you pride? What do you wish to be remembered for at the end of your life? What do you want people to know was most important to you? What makes you feel good about yourself? What areas of your life are of great importance yet you believe you must keep yourself accountable to honor them?

Renee's Priorities:  

Compassion to others and myself

Giving back to the world

Family - ensuring they are safe and taken care of and have what they need

My health and ensuring I am able to do what I want to do

Sal's happiness

Living life and experiencing new things

Financial Freedom

Place a star next to the five areas that are most important to you.

Now list the three priorities (in no particular order) that you have identified as most important to you. Use just a few words to identify each category, such as “faith,” “family,” “career,” “my charity,” “my health,” and so on.

Rewrite the list in order of importance to you

My number-one priority: Family - happiness, safety and ability
My second priority: Compassionate living - towards myself and the world
My third priority: Experiencing life -- freedom and openness to experience

Take the priority you’ve listed as number one and complete the following statements:

The reason(s) I have placed the greatest importance on this area of my life is because:

I will honor my number-one priority by doing my best to: ensure I am able to be clear, focused and compassionate towards others.  Making good decisions about work, finances and my own focus.

The following action(s) would be inconsistent with my commitment to my top priority:  Making decisions that would limit my clarity of mind and make me inaccessible to my family or the ability to care for them.  

To honor my number-one priority, I will limit the following:  Hmmm....not sure what I need to limit.  I think just the negative self-talk and restlessness and living life without purpose.

To honor my number-one priority, I need to make the following changes:  I need to make decisions that protect my family and yet still provide me with a healthy state of mind.  I need to build a life and world that is the role model and direction that keeps them safe, happy and provides while still allows me to feel as if I am living the life that makes me happy.

Now you’re ready for the last question on the worksheet—and it’s so important it gets its own section.

Creating Your Top Priority Statement

With as much detail as possible, create a “top priority clarity statement” in the space below. Here are some examples.

My number-one priority is to fortify and honor my relationship with my family by spending more time together, listening, engaging, and sacrificing to help each member feel important, admired, trusted, respected, and supported in our everyday lives and to limit activities and pursuits that might be harmful to these relationships.

My number-one priority is to build my business by being present, disciplined, and focused on serving my customers and committing to learning everything I can about leadership, management, and business success and eliminating excuses, distractions, and unproductive pursuits.

Here’s my own top priority clarity statement:

My number-one priority is to be present and actively involved in the lives of my husband and children; to demonstrate through my actions that my children are more important than any personal pursuit; to work to strengthen my loving, respectful, and supportive relationship with my husband as a means to provide the best possible environment for my family; to raise self-sufficient, confident children who believe they can do anything; to limit any activities, pursuits, or relationships that might take me away from my family; and to weigh all decisions against what would be helpful, harmful, or indifferent to my family’s emotional well-being.
Now write yours. Take all the time you need.

Write or print out your top priority clarity statement and post it on your computer, near your desk, in your kitchen, on the inside of your medicine cabinet. Memorize it. With this statement front and center, it’s miraculous how clear even the toughest decisions become.

My number-one priority is to live my life with compassion and inquisitiveness that allows me to provide the example to my children and live a life that can provide what my family needs to be successful, healthy and happy.   

contemplation

Phone is dead.  I use my phone as a meditation timer so as decided to write as my phone hopefully comes back from its current dead state.  I closed my mail to try to keep myself more focused when I write and hopefully will keep myself from wandering off too much.  I have decided to try to go on an information/data diet.   I am cutting back my RSS feeds, removing reddit from igoogle, and trying to avoid too much facebook time.   I am on the other hand building up my google+ and learning how to use the circles of people so I do not just consume anything that comes in.   I have come to realize that I consume so much that I am barely left with a moment of space in my life and definitely do not have the time or space to create my own thoughts.   All this data shapes my life and my thoughts and yet it is meaningless to my real life.  I find it interesting and desirable to learn, consume, be knowledgable and yet the price is making my life about the data I consume rather than the air and earth I walk.

Ok my fear.  My fear is this is just another theme that I am picking up and running with for a little bit and in a few months it will be long forgotten.  Why would it matter if it is?  I am struggling for meaning and without it I feel lost.  I do not mean meaning like why am I here, what does a god want for/from me, but more how do I bring value to this world.  What is my purpose as I see it and want it to be?  I do not think anyone can answer that question for you and I have been running from and toward this for years.  I like challenges and pushing myself to explore and learn but I do not like commitment to an idea.  I never want to say I believe or have faith and that I have chosen a direction.  I am really not sure why I am so adverse to staking a claim on a belief or direction and why I am so judgmental on myself about what direction I go.

There are so many things I want to do in my head but I never get close to them.  I would like to play the guitar, meditate regularly, story slams, write, play the piano, knit, exercise regularly, read, explore, burning man, art shows, literacy volunteer, and that is just the list that came out right now.  All of those take commitment, dedication, practice and time.  I have to pick as I cannot do it all.   I want to find the thing that fits me and work towards those thing but I am paralyzed into doing nothing and it leaves me feeling empty.   Thinking about the Buddhist philosophy and loosening the grip of the emotions not feeling the draw of some of my triggers makes me more confused not less because I try to guess which of these do not matter in the scheme of my everyday.  None of them really matter, which is why they just stay on the list and never really get done.  How do you choose which thing fits you best?  I hear runners talk about how much they love to run and how much they miss it when they are not running.  Not me.  I hear the same thing from meditators about the mediation practice.  Not yet.  A woman said last night - not at the beginning - but when I got used to the effects of meditation I would miss it if I stopped for too long.  Not everything is for everyone, but how do you know what is for you when in the beginning it is always awkward and hard?

What would you say to your 10 year old self?

My dear sweet self I know each day is a struggle, you are not alone.

Spending most moments begging for attention and hiding from trouble

You feel restless, never safe, and unable to sleep, you will find that place.

The world is a crazy place, beautiful, wild, harsh and kind.

You can choose to be an explorer, an artist, a poet or an architect.

There are such cool things you can do and see, you cannot imagine.

I know right now you only get to see people hurting or pushing you away.

You want so much for someone to love you that you put up with the hurt

Sweet self, this is not life, this is not your future, it is not what you deserve.

You know when you have your headphones on and your listening to your records

Your foot is tapping and heart is singing and the whole world drops away

Your life can feel that good for days, weeks, months maybe years on end.

A heart can be hurt so that it feels like it will never heals, but scars heal.

Days can seem so dark that the joy will never return, but the clouds lift.

Dreams can be battered down and lost, but hope can unearth them.

Try to learn to love yourself before you try to get it from anyone else.

The only way to stop the “I’m sorry's”, is to believe in yourself.

You are strong, compassionate and capable.  Life is waiting for you.

Forget TV and Videos.  In the future everything is at your fingertips.

You can learn anything, ask anything, see anywhere, and meet people from anywhere

Ideas are no longer limited to the people in your house but the entire world.  

Freedom is your future.  
Life becomes your choice.

You will feel love and safe

You will be excited and feel joy.

It is worth it in the end.   Hang in there.