begin again

This morning I feel like writing - if only a little bit.  I have been lost for so long I am not sure where I am.  There were these days where I felt strong and my intention was clear, but I have long since slipped back into the swampland of confusion and indulgence.  I can feel the murkiness in my mind and lack the sword of clarity and wisdom or maybe just the strength to hold the sword so I shrink back into the darkness, waiting, unsure.

I feel fractured between the lives of my past and the potential ones in my future.  Where is it that I belong?  As I move forward, where do I need to exist?  Where can I exist?  Should I stay still and represent a life that no longer fits but still is important?  Should I move away and deny my wants and desires to be near and with those that matter?  I feel guilty saying things out loud that are not criminal, not harmful and yet feel like I am betraying my life until now.  When am I me versus who I was and are those things really that different?

So much time in my head.  I renounce my body.  I fight with the me of discipline and virtue and the me of hedonism and indulgence.  I have made no progress and yet I have come so very far.  I am still alone and still struggling.  Perhaps I always will be.