that moment when you realize

There is that moment where you realize

despite the assurances your fears are true

Wanted to be wrong 

Wanted things to be different

Alone having to live with the pain

Past Trauma re-enacted

What I hear is I love you but I cannot be with you.
What I believe is that you are going to enjoy your life and figure out how I fit in, if I do.
What I feel is rejection at the deepest level of me.
Trying to stay present to the experience and emotion
Am I clinging to love or avoiding the fear of being alone?
Are we learning anything or am i just being destroyed on bit at a time?
Should I let go because of the pain?
Should I hang on because of the love?

i want to let go.
i want to run away
i want to be with you

begin again

This morning I feel like writing - if only a little bit.  I have been lost for so long I am not sure where I am.  There were these days where I felt strong and my intention was clear, but I have long since slipped back into the swampland of confusion and indulgence.  I can feel the murkiness in my mind and lack the sword of clarity and wisdom or maybe just the strength to hold the sword so I shrink back into the darkness, waiting, unsure.

I feel fractured between the lives of my past and the potential ones in my future.  Where is it that I belong?  As I move forward, where do I need to exist?  Where can I exist?  Should I stay still and represent a life that no longer fits but still is important?  Should I move away and deny my wants and desires to be near and with those that matter?  I feel guilty saying things out loud that are not criminal, not harmful and yet feel like I am betraying my life until now.  When am I me versus who I was and are those things really that different?

So much time in my head.  I renounce my body.  I fight with the me of discipline and virtue and the me of hedonism and indulgence.  I have made no progress and yet I have come so very far.  I am still alone and still struggling.  Perhaps I always will be.