Its early morning sunday the house is dark and everyone is asleep but me and the cats who are creating a ruckus at this very moment.  The sun is coming up and slowly the day is coming to light and I am sitting in the glow of my laptop trying to keep my promise to keep writing. Yesterday was a success as we went to the dog park and I managed to finagle the right phone upgrades - god I had forgotten how long all that takes.  We tried to see the movie but due to fire alarms we were unable.  We manage to scarf down some gorgeous oysters, crab legs and steak tartar instead.  I went to bed comparably sober which was a nice change but my stomach is still a weird acid pit that wants out of my body.  Drinking water now to see if I can settle it out.

I slept pretty well really except all the crazy work dreams and another weird dream where we realized that we were really just a colony on a large giant and not a planet after all - not sure what that was about.  The work dream was repetitive in I was trying to get a job and we were negotiating of 2K and while walking around the school there was a catholic priest giving prayer over lunch and outside there was a congregation of amish people and people from my current work were either joining this new company or talking to me about it - very strange.

We have our jingle bell run today and to say I am terrified is probably not over stating it.   I have gained a gazillion pounds and have not taken a step towards exercise in FOREVER.  I can either use this as the catalyst to start back up again or just suffer and forget.  You think it would be obvious which to do but it is winter and cold and I am struggling to find the motivation to exercise.  I have a friend that is probably right that I should pull back on my goals a bit so they do not feel like such trudgery (I know this is not an official word but it should be).  I have a google calendar called Renee's Training and really I have probably created it a dozen times over the last few years.  Carefully staking out each day's activity and the exercise plan that will get me....there...  but that is far as I get the plan to exercise rather than exercising.  I have the best intentions, the right ability to set goals and completely no follow through.  I have written about it a ton but the motivation is just not there.

I have been good that I told myself I would not sign up for big races, or buy new clothes or buy new cool clothes until I have been running and am on my plan...but none of that has motivated.  Although now my clothes are so tight I can barely wear them something has to happen ...I CANNOT buy fat clothes. I want to though because I want to walk into the first day of my new job feeling confident not like the walrus I feel like in my tight pants that barely button at the top.  My immediate fat points are my gut, thighs and butt (typical for a woman) which just destroy my pants.  When I was on the cleanse and lost the 6-8 pounds (must have been alcohol and sugar related - maybe carbs) I saw the thighs and gut immediately shrink down.  So what do I do - buy a few fat pants and try to remotivate or shove myself into my current pants and use the humiliation to motivate?   Jury is still out.

As much as it is the lack of exercise though - everything leads back to diet and food choices.  My brain knows this but when my other asks me would I like chicken and veggies, not only do I say no but part of me rebels and wants the carbs and "feel good" food more than I did before I heard the healthy option laid down.  I know I am not alone with this but damn it is a frustrating cycle.

Today's goals.  Run and try to have a good time rather than an emotional beating.  Go have lunch but do not overdo it on having beers and try to make some "decent" food choices.  This afternoon I have a few things of interest....work on the puzzle, make dinner for the boys (if they will be around) and maybe take the dog to the beach in the afternoon.  Tomorrow morning I have a Hot Yoga class in sight - which scares me a little because hot yoga destroys me but in a good way.

Alright I am going to go fire up my kick ass language class from Livemocha and try not to butcher the Italian language and after that I might sneak back into bed.   A domani!